The working through of the magical thinking.

I feel very depressed. All the things you think of in depression, the loss of interest, the not being able to see any future, well I can feel them all. I feel as if my cloak of magical make believe has been taken away. That the rosy coloured tinted glasses I viewed relationships with have been taken away. the reality of seeing myself as a grown adult that is at the end of the day alone, is right there in front of me. The feeling of vunrablity to lifes pains is right there in front of me, the powerless of the human condtion is there right in front of me.

Feelings that were unavalible to me before are now there right in front of me. The reality of the pains from so long ago are right there in front of me.

I feel a sense of great loss and saddness. I journalled asking why I am not holding onto the normally sweet soothing thoughts of T and therapy? Its because I know exactly what they are now and what they are not and what responsibilty I have in realtion to this now.

Its like being a child and being the centre of attention and being given tremendous encouragement for everything you do to all of a sudden being a grown up in a grown up world and knowing you are no more special or deserving then the next person. That there is no "right" to take, no right to anything that isn't rightfully yours. Its about knowing that my responsiblity is about growing up and learning that others have needs too. That people are not sitting around waiting to make my life ok.

That people will give what they can and no more and why should they. Its about knowing now that I am solely responsible for my wellbeing, my inner world. I can sit and cry "woe is me" for ever, but that doesnt take away the reality of what being a grown up is all about. Its time to take responsiblity for my own mental wellness. Its not an excuse any longer. I am no more a victim then the next person. A victim is a way of thinking. Everybody has moments when they would love to taken care of.

Its about building ones inner strenght. Having the courage to carry the load, gracefully. I know now what is meant when they say the "real" theraputic relationship. I know I entered therapy with a childs mind but everything T has offered has been real, the growing has been real the insights, the support, and the gradual meeting of two adult minds both having that unspoken acknowledging of what is really going on and what is real and what is fantasy.

Its time to grow up.

(((Mouse)))

Happy Mother's Day from the U.S.!

It sounds to me like your inner child is crying today and feeling abandoned, so the adult is depressed because she thinks she has lost her inner child....Does that make any sense?

Being a responsible adult doesn't mean we have to do everything alone. For me, I just found my inner child and I can take some comfort in mothering her. Maybe you can do that today and offer her comfort and tell her not to be frightened. Take her to somewhere fun just to play. Love her.

Holding onto our Ts as a comfort is a difficult thing, for me as well. How have you held on in the past?

Yes, we are truly adults in an adult relationship with our Ts but that doesn't mean our inner child has to die or go to sleep.

Be good to yourself.

(( mouse ))

Growing pains.

T is still there for you and this is still a process. You don't have to do it all at once. Growing is a lifelong process and it adds to the quality of your life.

I understand your grief and loss. I hope you will also come to a place where more growth---you've already done loads of growing and have so much to be proud of !!---sounds exciting and wondrous, too.

Yes we are human, powerless to the reality that we all suffer. That is also what connects us. Like the saying goes: "Life's not Fair! ....But it IS fair, because it's not fair for everyone."

Happy Mother's Day, Mouse!

We all have an inner child. Even as we 'heal' the child is still there... however, like you, we have to learn to function in a more adult-like manner. I admire you for taking this on. I know that I am nowhere near this yet. It is so understandable for you to mourn the quieting of the child-- to feel like you are not going to be special, cared for. Yet, at the same time you are starting to accept it, even if it doesn't feel great. Your T will still care for you. Both the child and the adult aspects of you. She will care for you as a whole person. And soon, you will care for you like that too.

This too shall pass (as my grandmother use to say). Nothing good goes away (the useful/friendly magical thinking) without being replaced by something and I think your "bedrock" of grown adult reality and life pains will grow a much more satisfactory way of dealing with it. Remember that "working through" means there's something "better" on the other side, if nothing else, no "tunnel" vision anymore. Never did like the cold, dark, spooky, drippy tunnels.

Hey sweetie. Sounds like your therapy has evolved to a different level. Painful, yeah. But ultimately... More satisfying. I guess thats how it is supposed to go.

> the reality of seeing myself as a grown adult that is at the end of the day alone, is right there in front of me. The feeling of vunrablity to lifes pains is right there in front of me, the powerless of the human condtion is there right in front of me.

Yeah. But you know... It doesn't have to be that way. t is there willing to be with you in the moment and willing to walk beside you. Other people too. Doesn't undo the hurts of the past but can help make the present and future a whole heap more pleasant.

> Its like being a child and being the centre of attention and being given tremendous encouragement for everything you do to all of a sudden being a grown up in a grown up world and knowing you are no more special or deserving then the next person. That there is no "right" to take, no right to anything that isn't rightfully yours. Its about knowing that my responsiblity is about growing up and learning that others have needs too. That people are not sitting around waiting to make my life ok.

Maybe... Instead of that being about being grown-up... Maybe it is about growing up. How at some stage as a child you have this need for mirroring and... People let you down. Don't fulfill that need. And then... One comes to think that... The world will never be able to fulfill that need. That that is the way the world works. Ones needs are simply too great to be met. That is life. That is a realistic view of life.

Sounds like the big black hole to me :-(

I spend a lot of time there too.

Can you take extra special care of yourself right now? Try and do little things to care for yourself. To care for little you. How do you wish you had been treated? Can you do some of those soothing things for yourself? YOU would never abandon little you. You would mirror her and care for her and treat her like she is wonderful and special (which she is).

> Its about building ones inner strenght. Having the courage to carry the load, gracefully.

Yeah. But its also time to take extra special care. And to take comfort from the people who do care about you.