Awww, you guys are making me cry (in a good way though). And I hate to say it, but as crappy as this stuff is it's, you know… general. Bureaucratic frustration. One way or another, I'll deal. It's the stuff this got piled on top of that's ripping my soul out. Which undoubtedly feeds into my reaction. Yet as true as what you say is -- secrets are heavy, I can't bring myself to talk about the personal stuff. Just can't. It's a tsunami full of things I have no control over yet rip me up very to the core of my being That is what will take me out. It's f'd up. I know. But I've had many decades to figure out what I want and what I don't. It's my paradigm. To say the underlying pile is therapy-worthy is an understatement. Intellectually, I know the stuff. But I don't have the million years that would take for the intellectual knowledge to become actual personal belief.

Aaaanyhow, but yeah. I know there's this whole "thing" about this kind of med these days. In fact, the rules were just very recently tightened even more. (Hard copy only. No refills. Blah blah blah.) Everyone's having to deal with that. But I can't help but wonder if there's that bipolar = substance abuse assumption going on there. Sure, there's a high percentage of people who've dealt with both, and my heart goes out to them. But it's not my deal. And if this person knew me better, they'd know they could safely hand over a bucketful to me. Lol, but there's probably a law against that…

This is straw, but it's not THE straw by any means. Thing is, I woke up to write some very dark stuff this morning. So it just really wasn't a good day for a shove towards the edge. Turned out it was a straw sandwich day, as later I learned of 2 additional things in the personal pile that shook me 1/2 a xanax-worth. Didn't break though. Didn't even cry. One's feeding a major trigger point of long-standing despair though, so that one's got me worried stability-wise.

One healthy thought though. I know (and truly believe) that I never did anything to "deserve" the things that are happening to me. (Even at those times when I howl to the universe, "WTF did I ever do to deserve this??!?!!", I know that the answer is nothing.)