No more straw!!! (a vent)

*****Short, but potentially triggering part is in purple at the very bottom*****

I am FURIOUS!!!!! And upset, distraught, frustrated, scared and stunned in utter incredulity. There really isn't a word for the tornado inside my head. I have been in serious incapacitating pain for a month now. So today, I went in for an appt., being almost out of meds (They can't be called in, even though they are a joke. They manage to bring the pain under the rocking and wanting to die level, but they do not take it away by any means.)

We're not talking me showing up saying, "ow". This is documented. By 8 (yes, 8!) medical professionals. NO ONE thinks I am being a big baby. The consensus is that two things are aggravating one another in a viscous circle. I cannot work. Cannot. (I work with my hands, and there's no getting around having to use the arms and hands of both sides. I really, really tried. Not just because I'm stubborn, but because I make just over minimum wage. No benefits, sick days etc. You are there and working or you are not paid. Period.)

The only test that can concretely verify their diagnoses is unlikely to be under my coverage. So we're trying physical therapy. Fingers crossed and all, but I've already been to 2 of the 6 that will be covered. And been doing the exercises religiously. With no improvement.

She knows this. So what does she do? Prescribes almost enough of what is barely working to get me to a follow up. You know, if I only take 3/4 of what I've been scraping by with. By the time she got back with the Rx, I was in tears (exceedingly rare in Dr. appts.) and said something to the effect of, "so, nothing to improve?" Her response? "The physical therapy."

Yeah. That's all well and good, and let's hope for a miracle, eh? And every week before that hoped-for miracle is yet another without work. So, who knows when or even if I'll be able to go back to it. Like it would have killed her to give me something stronger or more, so I could stand a chance at functioning at all… I am so very f*****.

I went outside and cried for an hour.

I don't mean to worry anyone. I just needed somewhere to vent where people understand how stress for us BPers, isn't "just" stress. Other people simply have no idea with how much we deal with or how intensely it affects us. Unfortunately, my realizing that she doesn't know the amount of "straw" she added on the cart really isn't helping. I'm just really up against it.

(P.S. Follow up is with regular PHP. Hell, yes.)


***** Purple part **********

Just last week I'd finally admitted to my psych how NOT well I've been doing. She asked "those" questions and I admitted to having the thoughts, a lot, and that they'd been "less passive". This experience sooooo did not help. I've got a couple ideas to fight this with. The hard part is trying to keep from projecting their outcomes negatively. So, just trying to stay in the present, a moment at a time.

Oh my friend, I'm sooooo sorry you're going through this hell. I know you've been in pain but I had no idea it was this bad. I'm appalled.....(I'm light years beyond appalled!).....that this woman is so unfeeling and insensitive to your plight. How could she not recognize that your back's against a wall and you need more than 'business as usual' right now?!?!? As a fellow BP'er I understand every aspect of stress and how we're affected by it; I so wish I could remove some of yours'. I can't but I can listen and encourage you to vent especially when the thoughts try to take over. (PM me then and anytime, Innerzone, ok?) Remember, my friend, moment to moment......always, grey

Oh IZ, I'm sooo sorry that lady is a halfwit.


I wish I could take your pain from you, for 1, at least I get pain killers instead of candy, and 2, you could use a damn break right about now my friend.


Please continue to vent away, hopefully posting will help to dispel the intensity of those thoughts... I have found that they are quite heavy when kept a secret, but not so much when they're exposed...


Sending you lots of ssss and painless positive vibes across the ocean. I hope the end to your agony is in plain sight, that the Drs have a viable solution sOOn.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I despise the way we bipolar people are looked at by the medical community at times. I had a medical issue and was at the ER. I was asked by the nurse about my meds and what I took them for. I said "bipolar disorder" and I got "that" look. I pretty much wasn't taken seriously for my time there. Anyway, I hope you get to feeling better soon

Hey

When in agony and some asshat just makes things worse, you really should be given a free get outta jail card for beating their head in.. I so so get this

Please stay safe , vent all you need or want , Im always around PM if you want.

Awww, you guys are making me cry (in a good way though). And I hate to say it, but as crappy as this stuff is it's, you know… general. Bureaucratic frustration. One way or another, I'll deal. It's the stuff this got piled on top of that's ripping my soul out. Which undoubtedly feeds into my reaction. Yet as true as what you say is -- secrets are heavy, I can't bring myself to talk about the personal stuff. Just can't. It's a tsunami full of things I have no control over yet rip me up very to the core of my being That is what will take me out. It's f'd up. I know. But I've had many decades to figure out what I want and what I don't. It's my paradigm. To say the underlying pile is therapy-worthy is an understatement. Intellectually, I know the stuff. But I don't have the million years that would take for the intellectual knowledge to become actual personal belief.

Aaaanyhow, but yeah. I know there's this whole "thing" about this kind of med these days. In fact, the rules were just very recently tightened even more. (Hard copy only. No refills. Blah blah blah.) Everyone's having to deal with that. But I can't help but wonder if there's that bipolar = substance abuse assumption going on there. Sure, there's a high percentage of people who've dealt with both, and my heart goes out to them. But it's not my deal. And if this person knew me better, they'd know they could safely hand over a bucketful to me. Lol, but there's probably a law against that…

This is straw, but it's not THE straw by any means. Thing is, I woke up to write some very dark stuff this morning. So it just really wasn't a good day for a shove towards the edge. Turned out it was a straw sandwich day, as later I learned of 2 additional things in the personal pile that shook me 1/2 a xanax-worth. Didn't break though. Didn't even cry. One's feeding a major trigger point of long-standing despair though, so that one's got me worried stability-wise.

One healthy thought though. I know (and truly believe) that I never did anything to "deserve" the things that are happening to me. (Even at those times when I howl to the universe, "WTF did I ever do to deserve this??!?!!", I know that the answer is nothing.)

Yes this ^^^^^^ . You are a very very wise caring loving human being

Im so sorry you were let down by the medical field. Best wishes for the rest of your treatment.

Hows things going ?

Thanks for asking, Christina.

Fortunately the pain has come down for more of the time now. Still hand numbness and tingling. I'm nervous about work though. Going back for first time on Monday. (Since leaving from work grumbling, po'd and hurting as hell on a day a couple weeks ago between ER and realizing it needed serious rest, and that wasn't going to happen at work.)

I'm over the Dr. thing. Well, basically. I don't think about it at this point because the spans of time between needing the med have increased over time. That may change with work. Very likely, as they are in constant motion...

Well Im glad you took a step off the totally losing your shyt ledge Yeah things are still going to be a struggle , seems as tho that just never seems to change

I deal with Chronic pain daily and no treatment(s) help .at.all. So I understand how frustrating and scarey it can be , not sure of what is going to happen.

Stay strong and vent rant and rage anytime you need to