The death force is really after me lately. Really, really after me. I'd been having a bad week mood wise, with anxiety, irritability, depression...and then my t said I might have a personality problem...and all hell broke lose. I feel like I've lost everything. It's taken everything from me. I don't even know why it is trying to kill me still, when it has completely incapacitated me in life. Dead or alive, I can do nothing.

So freaking paranoid and overwhelmed right now. I just feel so cursed. Why did it pick me? Why make my life hell? Why try to kill me?

I feel like I can't even talk about this will my t because she will either will use it as further proof that I have a personality disorder, or think that I'm making it all up for attention. Or send me to the hospital where I'd see my doctor (whom I met in the hospital, is now my outpatient pdoc as well) who hates me. I think he is the reason why my t thinks I have a personality disorder. He thinks I'm malingering. Making it all up. He didn't believe that I'd been having hallucinations, probably because they were visual and he is used to seeing auditory. At the end of my stay, he asked me if I still had them. I told him I had seen a ghost that day, and he asked me if it was a "friendly ghost". So he clearly doesn't believe me. And he hasn't asked me about them since, which is how I know he doesn't believe me.

God, why me.

And the scary thing is the BPD description fits. I don't know if it only fits because my mood has been so unstable lately, though. I keep thinking in black and white terms because I've been so emotional, and that makes me feel more borderline. And then I'll feel overwhelmed and I'll hit myself. I thought I wasn't a self-harmer, but maybe I am just another crazy borderline.

How can anyone love me? People love you for your looks or your personality. I'm ugly. Now apparently my personality is pretty ugly too. I'm fairly intelligent, but no one can tell because I am such a space cadet. And there is no hope of me getting help for my ADD now, because I can't ask my doctor for ADD meds because he hates me and will just think I'm trying to get ahold of a controlled substance. And my t doesn't believe me when I say that I feel like I have ADD.

God, they all hate me.

It's after me. It's taken everything that made me feel like a worthy person. There is nothing left. I am an empty shell of a loser.