Roll Call 41

im hearing and seeing stuff right now

i feel awful
idk whats happening to me

Peppermint tea is good for the digestive system, or if you prefer, just a peppermint or candy cane can help.

i second that peppermint tea thing. peppermint is good for indigestion and digestive stuff.

The death force is really after me lately. Really, really after me. I'd been having a bad week mood wise, with anxiety, irritability, depression...and then my t said I might have a personality problem...and all hell broke lose. I feel like I've lost everything. It's taken everything from me. I don't even know why it is trying to kill me still, when it has completely incapacitated me in life. Dead or alive, I can do nothing.

So freaking paranoid and overwhelmed right now. I just feel so cursed. Why did it pick me? Why make my life hell? Why try to kill me?

I feel like I can't even talk about this will my t because she will either will use it as further proof that I have a personality disorder, or think that I'm making it all up for attention. Or send me to the hospital where I'd see my doctor (whom I met in the hospital, is now my outpatient pdoc as well) who hates me. I think he is the reason why my t thinks I have a personality disorder. He thinks I'm malingering. Making it all up. He didn't believe that I'd been having hallucinations, probably because they were visual and he is used to seeing auditory. At the end of my stay, he asked me if I still had them. I told him I had seen a ghost that day, and he asked me if it was a "friendly ghost". So he clearly doesn't believe me. And he hasn't asked me about them since, which is how I know he doesn't believe me.

God, why me.

And the scary thing is the BPD description fits. I don't know if it only fits because my mood has been so unstable lately, though. I keep thinking in black and white terms because I've been so emotional, and that makes me feel more borderline. And then I'll feel overwhelmed and I'll hit myself. I thought I wasn't a self-harmer, but maybe I am just another crazy borderline.

How can anyone love me? People love you for your looks or your personality. I'm ugly. Now apparently my personality is pretty ugly too. I'm fairly intelligent, but no one can tell because I am such a space cadet. And there is no hope of me getting help for my ADD now, because I can't ask my doctor for ADD meds because he hates me and will just think I'm trying to get ahold of a controlled substance. And my t doesn't believe me when I say that I feel like I have ADD.

God, they all hate me.

It's after me. It's taken everything that made me feel like a worthy person. There is nothing left. I am an empty shell of a loser.

I had that this week too. A mechanic friend looked at it and said I could get power steering fluid from auto zone and he showed me where to fill it up. Cost me $10. He said mine was a slow leak tho.

Morning roll call,

Just woken up... sort of. Had a wee nap on the sofa. Turning into my Dad...

First day taking Abilify in the morning. Felt pretty good most the morning, didn't make a difference. Think I was just tired because I didn't sleep well last night, possibly from missing the dose of meds last night to take this morning instead.

Voices were definitely worse last night, first thing this morning... pretty sure that must have been the same reasons as above.

Are you taking your meds?

even if u are borderline it is not a death sentence and you can recover ! i know it must be hard to accept a diagnosis like that bc of the stigma around it even in the mental health community. but there are Ts who do not buy into the stigmas and are willing to work with people who have borderline PD. there are a couple therapies for borderline, mainly DBT, but also one called Schema therapy.

also, there are non-narcotic ADD/ADHD meds out there that u can try if ur pdoc wont prescribe adderall or ritalin etc

yeah. it seems pretty expensive...400 bucks. my mom took it to the shop while i was at work and the guy quoted her that for the parts and labor. im not sure what kind of leak it is. they had to order the parts from Toyota so thats prob why the parts are so expensive. it just sucks cuz last month i had to get an 800$ catalytic converter put in it just so it would pass inspection

got my cashiers check for my new landlord. going to sign the lease at 10:30! i am excited to start packing and thinking abt how i want to set up my new apartment. i will need to get a couch and a coffee table bc the ones i have now belong to my current landlord. but yea, i am excited about this!

I really feel for you.

When I had the BPD label I felt most of what you are feeling now. It was terrible. What got me through was knowing that I was a genuine human being with feelings and emotions. You are also a real person.

My mother once told me, "You are my daughter. I know you. The doctors don't know a thing about you."

I'll try the teas. Right now I'm drinking Perrier which seems to help with the nausea and indigestion.

i have been put on new meds "hint hint" newtus! guess! ok did u guess? ok sooooo i got put on haldol and im very tired and im having a rough time and ive been on it 3 days how long does it take to make it work?

for me haldol worked almost immediately. at the most within the first week of taking it. but i suppose its different for everyone. but its the strongest ive had.

Haldol worked very fast for me, especially in higher doses. Too bad it gave me really bad EPS...

Also, hi everyone.

Hey there Atypical! Haven't seen you around lately.

Yeah, I've been busy... Damn holiday season, lol. And yesterday I was curled up in my bed in the dark all day because of a bad migraine. Pfft.

ugh i get migraines a lot. sorry to hear that. i take topamax for my migraines. kinda helps.

im gonna start back my postcrossing again. its kinda like a postcard penpal site. works differently tho so you can stay a bit anonymous. ive gotten 32 postcards from around the world. i got my mom into doing it too.

http://www.postcrossing.com
^^^just in case anyone is interested...

That sounds cool

Hey everyone I have an important question. If you are talking to someone that seems real in front of you but then when you walk away for a bit and come back to talk to them again and they aren't there how can you really be certain that they were there at all?

the only way I know is to ask another person who has theoretically seen them----but in most cases people who seem real are real---it's supposedly rare for hallucinations to talk to you face to face its usually just voices or just visuals and not the combo....

idk why but i just feel so angry with the world right now. like almost every interaction with someone i have i feel angry. i suppose ill take my haldol. because i dont want to feel this way. i just know my anger is going to get my into trouble.

My parents tell me that all the time, it's really comforting.