Hey guys.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I don’t know what’s relevant and what’s not to be honest.

So, the thing is, I think I've experienced real love for a very special girl that I used to know. I think many of you guys here on PsychCentral have heard me speaking about her before, and probably to some people’s ad nauseam I guess. I do apologize.

The feeling is real and hard to shake. I don’t have any idea how she feels about me, because she will no longer talk to me after I had told her how I felt. When we were together in our class at university, she seemed to like me. But, given the fact that I now know I have autism/Asperger’s syndrome, I can unequivocally say that I have no idea how to read other people and how they feel, so… She perhaps might even have tried to give me signs, and I would've been none the wiser. This sucks, a lot, because, no matter how screwed up and undecipherable my mind and feelings are, I know one thing – I love her. I love her so much.

It seems she hates me. It breaks my heart. How can I ever get over her? I know she doesn't want me, if she did, she would be happy that I had told her how I felt. I think she’s even afraid of me, afraid I might be some psychopath/stalker who wishes to take her for himself or harm her if he can’t. I'm not. I'm so not. I love her so much, I would die of heartache if I knew she was being hurt in any way. If she only understood how much I loved her. I know I can’t present myself in a form that is to her liking. I am who I am. I wish I could. I wish I could be everything that she wants. I know it’s all superficial, but it wouldn't mean anything because I know once she saw how much I loved her, she wouldn't need to rely on any of that other stuff to make her happy with me. She can’t see how I feel because of my condition which contradicts me on the outside, and only because I am in a physical form that she maybe does not find appealing.

About my physical form. I am overweight. I have been since I was about nine years old. I was very lean and beautiful before that. But, something horrible happened at school. Because I was autistic, no other children wanted me to take part in their games, activities or sports. How do I play sports on my own? My dad didn't want to do anything with me either, he just wanted to drink. He would spend five minutes trying to teach me something and give up, saying I was never ever going to master it. I know he didn't really mean it, that he was trying to get back to drinking again and looking for an exit excuse, but those words stuck with me. I've also had an extreme problem with hand-eye coordination and these sports-like activities feel super-awkward when I attempt them. I was not useless, I just had a problem that other children didn't. Oh, and I still can’t swim or drive properly. I had to teach myself how to ride a bike (my legs and knees are still scarred from all the accidents), throw a ball, catch fish, and anything physical. But, I mean, back then I was a kid, how much could I teach myself? How much initiative could one kid truly have? Most of my memories from that time in my life are repressed. I have no idea how I gained the weight, I can’t remember. The only thing I remember is that around that time, I had a real horrible teacher who used to threaten me every day with physical punishment (cuts), not because I didn't do my homework, but because I did my homework “on the wrong blank page” (in a book full of blank pages), accuse me of things I didn't do (for example telling my mom how much of a lousy teacher she was), and do everything in her power to isolate me from the rest of the class. I know this had to have scarred me somehow. This may seem like nothing, but to a young boy, who was already rejected and dejected, emotionally confused, naturally shy and introverted, autistic – this must have had an effect. I have come to the conclusion that my autism, isolation from other children and sports, and probably comfort eating during this time led to me gaining weight and falling into a groove of lifestyle from which escape is near impossible, as it became my world eventually. Oh, and I also remember having something one day which felt like a heart attack during this time. To this day, I can’t even feel my pulse in my neck or wrist, or the heartbeat in my chest.

But, the world doesn't judge you on merit or reasoning, they look at you the way you are now, and if you’re not looking good, then you’re not good, that’s it. Nobody respects a fat man, because everyone thinks he is so weak he can’t control his eating. It doesn't matter that there is a deeper reason for it all, people believe what they see and conjure up in their own minds, not the truth. It’s sad but it’s true. Well-presented men get away with anything, even murder.

Back to the love. I know I love her. I don’t fantasize about her sexually through masturbation or in any way at all, even though she is extremely beautiful, sexy and attractive. She was a down-to-earth jeans and t-shirt girl (which she looked so good in too). She is so smart, sensitive, kind and adorable, oh and really cute too (she's not tall in stature, only about 5 feet tall I would say). Every single little thing she did, I was always just amazed. I was never able, before that, to imagine a life with any girl. Marriage, home-making, raising children – not stuff I used to think about at all. However, when I met her and got to know her, out of nowhere in my mind I started having these pictures of us sitting together on a sofa, me asking her how her day was at work, us buying a home and me telling her she can decorate it just as she likes, it's hers, my only input is the chequebook (check-book, sorry USA), me cooking her a meal or massaging her feet after a long day, us going on holidays around the world and me telling her every day how much I love her.

My whole life, I used to watch my dad treat my mom like a floor-rag, like a piece of trash, like a woman who is just there to cook and clean, and wash laundry, a “help” basically. Then, he would still “show” her how lucky she is to have a home and how grateful she ought to be to him. For years I had to watch guilt-trips and emotional blackmail, and something similar was done to me too, but, I didn't cook and stuff obviously. For me it was always how lucky I was to go to university (even though I basically paid for myself through scholarships), among other things.

I could never treat my girl like that. Every day I would tell her how blessed I am to have her with me, and how I don’t deserve her, but I am so happy she is there anyway. I wouldn't let her do all the washing and the cooking and cleaning, I would help her, or get “help”. I would love to cook her something even, on a regular basis. I want to do all the things with her that my dad never did with my mom. I want to show my children what it’s like to have a dad that doesn't constantly judge and criticize, but wants to help, and what it's like to have a dad that loves them, who they can come to with anything, and then not constantly remind them how lucky they are to have a dad that provides them with food and a roof over their heads, but how blessed I am to have them for all the joy they bring to me and my wife, their mom.
I could easily become the same man my dad was, marry some woman I didn't love, just to say I'm not alone and I'm doing her a favour by rescuing her from poverty. But, I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. I want to do it properly. I want to do it because I want to, because I love my wife, because she is special and the only one.

I sit with such a predicament. There is another woman who loves me very much and has truly fallen deeply for me. I feel so bad and so guilty. I want to move on and give her all my love, but I'm really finding it so hard, because this previous girl is staying in my mind. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel I am hurting this new woman now so much. I feel so bad. She loves me. I wish I can give her my entire heart and just “forget” about the other girl whom I love. I don’t know what to do. I don't have the emotional capability to love two people at the same time like other people can. I don't know what to do.

And, on top of all this, I still have a physical problem too, a true man-related problem. I am not as much “man” as most other guys. I have many gifts, but size in the right places is not one of them. I am quite below average in the penis-area, and it is extremely embarrassing and emasculating. How do I keep any lady happy physically? All guys I've seen are about twice the size of me down there.

I am just not good enough as a man. I guess I’ll never experience what it’s like to be happy with a special lady.