I think I’ve experienced real love, but I’m inadequate as a man

Hey guys.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I don’t know what’s relevant and what’s not to be honest.

So, the thing is, I think I've experienced real love for a very special girl that I used to know. I think many of you guys here on PsychCentral have heard me speaking about her before, and probably to some people’s ad nauseam I guess. I do apologize.

The feeling is real and hard to shake. I don’t have any idea how she feels about me, because she will no longer talk to me after I had told her how I felt. When we were together in our class at university, she seemed to like me. But, given the fact that I now know I have autism/Asperger’s syndrome, I can unequivocally say that I have no idea how to read other people and how they feel, so… She perhaps might even have tried to give me signs, and I would've been none the wiser. This sucks, a lot, because, no matter how screwed up and undecipherable my mind and feelings are, I know one thing – I love her. I love her so much.

It seems she hates me. It breaks my heart. How can I ever get over her? I know she doesn't want me, if she did, she would be happy that I had told her how I felt. I think she’s even afraid of me, afraid I might be some psychopath/stalker who wishes to take her for himself or harm her if he can’t. I'm not. I'm so not. I love her so much, I would die of heartache if I knew she was being hurt in any way. If she only understood how much I loved her. I know I can’t present myself in a form that is to her liking. I am who I am. I wish I could. I wish I could be everything that she wants. I know it’s all superficial, but it wouldn't mean anything because I know once she saw how much I loved her, she wouldn't need to rely on any of that other stuff to make her happy with me. She can’t see how I feel because of my condition which contradicts me on the outside, and only because I am in a physical form that she maybe does not find appealing.

About my physical form. I am overweight. I have been since I was about nine years old. I was very lean and beautiful before that. But, something horrible happened at school. Because I was autistic, no other children wanted me to take part in their games, activities or sports. How do I play sports on my own? My dad didn't want to do anything with me either, he just wanted to drink. He would spend five minutes trying to teach me something and give up, saying I was never ever going to master it. I know he didn't really mean it, that he was trying to get back to drinking again and looking for an exit excuse, but those words stuck with me. I've also had an extreme problem with hand-eye coordination and these sports-like activities feel super-awkward when I attempt them. I was not useless, I just had a problem that other children didn't. Oh, and I still can’t swim or drive properly. I had to teach myself how to ride a bike (my legs and knees are still scarred from all the accidents), throw a ball, catch fish, and anything physical. But, I mean, back then I was a kid, how much could I teach myself? How much initiative could one kid truly have? Most of my memories from that time in my life are repressed. I have no idea how I gained the weight, I can’t remember. The only thing I remember is that around that time, I had a real horrible teacher who used to threaten me every day with physical punishment (cuts), not because I didn't do my homework, but because I did my homework “on the wrong blank page” (in a book full of blank pages), accuse me of things I didn't do (for example telling my mom how much of a lousy teacher she was), and do everything in her power to isolate me from the rest of the class. I know this had to have scarred me somehow. This may seem like nothing, but to a young boy, who was already rejected and dejected, emotionally confused, naturally shy and introverted, autistic – this must have had an effect. I have come to the conclusion that my autism, isolation from other children and sports, and probably comfort eating during this time led to me gaining weight and falling into a groove of lifestyle from which escape is near impossible, as it became my world eventually. Oh, and I also remember having something one day which felt like a heart attack during this time. To this day, I can’t even feel my pulse in my neck or wrist, or the heartbeat in my chest.

But, the world doesn't judge you on merit or reasoning, they look at you the way you are now, and if you’re not looking good, then you’re not good, that’s it. Nobody respects a fat man, because everyone thinks he is so weak he can’t control his eating. It doesn't matter that there is a deeper reason for it all, people believe what they see and conjure up in their own minds, not the truth. It’s sad but it’s true. Well-presented men get away with anything, even murder.

Back to the love. I know I love her. I don’t fantasize about her sexually through masturbation or in any way at all, even though she is extremely beautiful, sexy and attractive. She was a down-to-earth jeans and t-shirt girl (which she looked so good in too). She is so smart, sensitive, kind and adorable, oh and really cute too (she's not tall in stature, only about 5 feet tall I would say). Every single little thing she did, I was always just amazed. I was never able, before that, to imagine a life with any girl. Marriage, home-making, raising children – not stuff I used to think about at all. However, when I met her and got to know her, out of nowhere in my mind I started having these pictures of us sitting together on a sofa, me asking her how her day was at work, us buying a home and me telling her she can decorate it just as she likes, it's hers, my only input is the chequebook (check-book, sorry USA), me cooking her a meal or massaging her feet after a long day, us going on holidays around the world and me telling her every day how much I love her.

My whole life, I used to watch my dad treat my mom like a floor-rag, like a piece of trash, like a woman who is just there to cook and clean, and wash laundry, a “help” basically. Then, he would still “show” her how lucky she is to have a home and how grateful she ought to be to him. For years I had to watch guilt-trips and emotional blackmail, and something similar was done to me too, but, I didn't cook and stuff obviously. For me it was always how lucky I was to go to university (even though I basically paid for myself through scholarships), among other things.

I could never treat my girl like that. Every day I would tell her how blessed I am to have her with me, and how I don’t deserve her, but I am so happy she is there anyway. I wouldn't let her do all the washing and the cooking and cleaning, I would help her, or get “help”. I would love to cook her something even, on a regular basis. I want to do all the things with her that my dad never did with my mom. I want to show my children what it’s like to have a dad that doesn't constantly judge and criticize, but wants to help, and what it's like to have a dad that loves them, who they can come to with anything, and then not constantly remind them how lucky they are to have a dad that provides them with food and a roof over their heads, but how blessed I am to have them for all the joy they bring to me and my wife, their mom.
I could easily become the same man my dad was, marry some woman I didn't love, just to say I'm not alone and I'm doing her a favour by rescuing her from poverty. But, I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. I want to do it properly. I want to do it because I want to, because I love my wife, because she is special and the only one.

I sit with such a predicament. There is another woman who loves me very much and has truly fallen deeply for me. I feel so bad and so guilty. I want to move on and give her all my love, but I'm really finding it so hard, because this previous girl is staying in my mind. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel I am hurting this new woman now so much. I feel so bad. She loves me. I wish I can give her my entire heart and just “forget” about the other girl whom I love. I don’t know what to do. I don't have the emotional capability to love two people at the same time like other people can. I don't know what to do.

And, on top of all this, I still have a physical problem too, a true man-related problem. I am not as much “man” as most other guys. I have many gifts, but size in the right places is not one of them. I am quite below average in the penis-area, and it is extremely embarrassing and emasculating. How do I keep any lady happy physically? All guys I've seen are about twice the size of me down there.

I am just not good enough as a man. I guess I’ll never experience what it’s like to be happy with a special lady.

I do not believe it is real love as it is not reciprocated. it is infatuation, obsession. the relationship only takes place in your imagination, you have no idea what the truth of it would be. the fact that she pushed you away after you professed your love shows she lacks compassion and is judgmental. meanwhile, you say you have someone who cares deeply for you. why not give that a chance? you don't have to toss your feelings aside immediately. that is going to take time. you are not going to instantly love another. it takes time to build feelings in a relationship. that is what dating is all about. you get to know each other and feelings build. as your feelings build for her, the feelings will decrease for the other if you allow it. and the size of your penis does not matter. it is how you use it. there are tons of ways to pleasure a woman. research it if necessary.

After all that we have talked about I could WRITE YOU A LIST of all the ways that you could keep ANY lady happy! But I won't do that here. You ARE better than most men I know! I'm gonna shut up now before I say too much.

I know you are right, I know you are, please believe me. Everything you say makes a lot of sense. You are right, I know you are, especially when it comes to the imaginary scenarios of our "marriage" that came into my head, you know, the images I spoke of where we are together doing things. I don't know the truth of it and maybe it won't even work out like the way I'm imagining. Maybe she would get angry if I said she must pick out the house's decorations and accuse me of being too lazy to help, maybe she would think it's lame when I cook her a meal and she might think I'm being silly and tell her friends how lousy I am as a man, that a real man won't do these things.

You see, I know it's conditioning, it's the way the people grew up. It's how she grew up, and it's how I grew up, that constructs the filters through which we view life. I know it's because I don't fit the mould her mom or sister/friends constructed in her mind of how a good man should be.

I know logically, all this makes sense. It's just the feelings won't dissipate. Maybe she is not a nice person, and by all logical reasoning, she isn't. But, for some reason I still love her, I can't explain why or how. It's destroying me, I know it is, but I can't imagine never meeting her, or never getting to know her like I did, it's one of those things where you can't imagine how your life was before that.

I know I'm stupid and weak, I know. I just don't know how to not feel what I feel so deeply.

It's like when before the great flood in the Bible, God was extremely hurt by all the wicked things people had done up until that point, He regretted ever creating mankind. But, here we still are, He gave us another chance, and another, and another. I can't tell you why. Why does He love us so much? Why did He sacrifice His perfect, purest Son to save us from sin? Because we could never fathom how much He really loves us. By all logic, He should hate us for what we have done to Him and his poor, innocent Son, but He doesn't. How do you explain such a thing? You can't.

Oh, but, I don't agree that it is infatuation or obsession. This has been going on for over 3 years already and it is as strong today as it was back then. It is not a "crush". I've had those before. I've had the most ridiculous crushes on some women already, even married women, my female teachers, etc. But, I knew what it was and it passed. This isn't a passing obsession.

Also, nobody ever said that real love has to be reciprocated for it to exist. If that were the case, we'd all be in trouble. Our parents would have left us to die for the first four years of our life then, and God would have just left us to die and fend for ourselves. How will you ever reciprocate that intense love these persons/individuals feel for you, I don't even think it's possible.

This is what I'm trying to say for so long already, let them who have ears to hear, hear me. It's not something that person did in order to "qualify" her for my love. By the same token, there is no measure of bad things she can do to "unqualify" her, just like God still loves us even though we sin constantly. She didn't EARN my love by being X, Y and Z things. She's not perfect, not the smartest girl, not the most beautiful. There are no "qualifiers". Infatuation and obsession are different because you are bowled over by that person's "qualities" or "attributes". They gained your attention, earned your interest. Love is something you feel for someone just because you do, there's no reason. The person doesn't deserve it. It is completely undeserved favour.

Of course I've dated already, it's the first thing I did as soon as I realized my love was unwanted by her. I've dated several women. I've slept with several women too. But, do you know how it feels when there is no love present during a date? It feels like I'm cheating on my wife with another woman. Do you know how it feels when you have sex with a woman you don't love? It feels like I'm raping her, and cheating on my wife with another woman. It feels like that and I'm not even married.

I know there are tons of ways to please a woman, I've read all of them, and applied them. I've been told I am great at it even. I've been told by women I'm the best lover they've ever had and where have they been hiding me all this time. And, you know what all of those compliments does to my ego, my confidence? Not a single thing. I still leave their house with my head hanging down low like a thief in the night. Because all of this is superficial stuff. But, if I'm with someone I love, I don't want to lose her either because of something as silly as having a small penis, so size does end up mattering.

I know love should conquer all of this, and if there's love, stuff like penis-size shouldn't matter. But again, it's the filters we grew up with. Girls learn to screen men on how good they are in bed. Yes, it is a stupid filter, I agree, but it's in place anyway.

Think of it this way. Imagine a gemmologist sifting gravel to find garnets, topaz's or rubies or whatever and he has said that he wants those larger than 5 mm in diameter/size because those are the ones that are most valuable. So he employs a 4 mm sieve and starts sieving. Well, I say he's an idiot, because he is missing out on the 2 mm sized diamonds and 1 mm gold nuggets that are just flying and flowing through his sieve, all going to the waste pile along with the sand and clay! Can you see what I mean by filters?

She is doing the same thing. She has filtered me out. I'm not saying I'm a diamond, as good as a diamond or whatever, but you get the point. I offer something different, and possibly of more value, how would she know unless she tried?

I'm just staggered at the people in this world today, how easily they dismiss, forsake, condemn and reject, just because something/someone doesn't fit the criteria, which is such an arbitrary criteria anyway. I mean, who on earth ever proved that the best men are the ones who are good at sex? Who comes up with this rubbish, and why does it stick like glue?

Hey You're not supposed to be posting here, you're being very naughty, LOL

And, some of it (I think you know which part), wasn't meant for your eyes.

Well, you know I'm watching over you, I'm you're Angel standing by lol! Behave yourself and I won't have to call you out like that! And besides, you had me worried! I had to check up on you.

Hey StbGuy, I've read quite a few of your posts, and I just want to say that I think you're a wonderful person with a golden heart and great values.

I can relate very much to your story because we think almost alike when it comes to women and relationships. We appreciate women.

Unfortunately, we are both victims of this world's way of defining gender roles and dating guidelines and whatever else should really be left up to us. So, we are brushed aside by women, and we fall through the gaps in the sieve !

I'm very tired so I can't write more this minute, but I will write more when I have the energy.

Till then, I just want you to know that you're an awesome lad, and that your heart's in the right place !

Thanks so much for your positive words, I really appreciate it very much, it means a lot to me.

I don't know what it is, but there must be some reason why women are rather special to me.

I mean, I know I don't tick the all right boxes in outward appearance, physical gifts and outward expression/body language, and I know it is that which is the measuring stick today, and so, OK, I don't measure up.

But, I can't help but feel for many women today. Many are abused, manipulated, ridiculed and controlled by their own "husbands", and the saddest thing I see is that women can actually accept this and say to themselves that it is probably how it is supposed to be, or they maybe deserve it in some way. That is truly sad. As a man that appreciates women, I wish there was something I could do for them, but as with many things in life, the onus lies with the sufferer to quit the suffering, to get out of the predicament he/she finds himself/herself in. That doesn't mean they can't request help, but it is often even that first step of requesting help/giving something a chance that goes by the wayside.

It's hard when you care about someone so much. I just didn't want her to get hurt some day. She was hurt already by another guy, and I could almost have predicted it was going to happen because I know those type of guys that just mess with girls always. But, I just had to watch because I knew she would've resented me even more had I tried to warn her. A snake is always the most intriguing and interest-piquing right before it bites you. Danger abounds and is hidden in most beautiful and alluring forms.

I guess all I wanted, after watching my the disaster which is my own parents' marriage, was just to do things differently, to base everything on love, and cherishing the one you love. I wanted to be a husband that she could be proud of, that she knew loved her 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and told her so everyday too.

I don't know, but I guess I messed up in my thinking somewhere and I suppose I am just the proverbial nice-guy after all, what the dating "guru's" would call the "average frustrated chump (AFC)".

Hey man, so I finally took the time to read your post in more detail and give it more thought.

I understand your predicament very well. This world, these days, can be quite harsh to someone who doesn't fit stereotypical images portrayed by the media. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you or I can do to change that. This condition will prevail.

So, given that we can't change how the world thinks, it follows that we need to look within ourselves to see how we can affect change in our lives. This is going to involve making compromises with ourselves. Maybe we can't be 100% true to ourselves. Maybe we can't be 100% original and authentic, because we need to adapt to the world a bit (how much is up to you), so that we are accepted.

Let's face it, it's unfortunate that we have to change who we are just because of the stereotypes, but it's either that or a lifetime of solitude. Which is better ? I think you know.

You seem to be aware that you're not in the best physical shape. What about exercise ? You mentioned some physical challenges, but are you able to do any kind of exercise ? Exercise really is a miracle drug, and can transform your life like you wouldn't believe. Not only would it improve your health, both physical and emotional, but it would also give you the confidence you feel is lacking. No need to chase after supermodel images … just enough to stay healthy and fit.

Let women see your best self. Let them see you proudly march in complete confidence and comfortable in your own skin. They will be drawn to you like iron filings to a magnet.

As for your values, esp. how to treat women, you're already in the right place, so, if you can add to that some improvement in other areas, you're gonna be Mr. Cassanova !

Give it your best shot, my man !

Thanks for those words. Yes, I am considering working out.

There is one issue though. I think at the end of the day, it is going to take a change throughout my entire life to become that guy.

I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but as for that compromise here, compromise there and still be 95% yourself, ah, sorry to say, but it doesn't work that way. You cannot be in the middle, it's either be a physical stud with cockiness and attitude or be the kind, gentle, loving, yet physically unattractive guy I am now.

You see, that's what I didn't want to do. I know, once you look great, that feeling I had for women will disappear slowly and I'll become like those other hot guys who date so many women they can't even count how many they've been with.

You said "you decide how much" one will compromise, it doesn't work like that unfortunately. It is literally becoming someone else entirely.

I don't know if you're Christian or religious in any way, but if you are, there's this book called "Destined to Reign" by Joseph Prince. In there he explains how "mixture" will always lead to failure.

In the Bible, in the book of Revelation, even Jesus says that you should be either hot or cold, because if you are lukewarm, He'll spit you out. What He is referring to is those people who are either fully making their lives hell by trying to live up to the ten commandments (the law), failing and then calling upon Him to save them, or those who accept Him as saviour and then have dominion over sin. Those who are in the middle (mixture of law and grace) are the one's who will fail and be judged, because they are choosing a "safe" option.

So, it's either look great and become the proverbial ladies man, or stay this way (100% me). But, compromise will lead to failure.