I finally decided to write down what has been going on. Here’s exactly how i felt about 4 ½ months ago.

I think I'm depressed, I feel ****** all the time and I don’t want to go out with friends. I spend my nights crying over things that shouldn’t matter. I feel like i am really fat sometimes and I try to not eat and exercise a lot but i am too tired after doing it for 2 or so days. I wear myself out after doing "exercise"( 20 pushups and squats in my bedroom) . I've been scratching myself a lot . It makes me feel better somehow. I think out taking pills and overdosing but i would never do it ( i don't think) Some nights ( really bad ones) I would pretend i would kill myself I also think about what it would be like if I died. I've only cut once , i cut my wrist with my razor blade ( for shaving my legs) . I didn't like all the blood so stuck to scratching my stomach. Sometimes i feel like a burden on my friends . I hide the way I’ve been feeling by acting really goofy and “random” so no one would ever guess how I felt.

I even tricked myself, I thought , I’m fine see? Im having fun but I wasn't really having fun . I felt like I was just acting in a movie. I decided to tell one of my friends and she just tried to outdo me by saying things like “ how could you be depressed are you kidding I’M depressed” She later went on a fair ride alone with my crush ( who I was going to ask out on the fair ride) she was a ****** friend.

The first paragraph was how I felt for the entire 8th grade and summer going into 9th. At the end of the summer I played really well at a viola concert and then the next weeks I felt free. I thought I fixed me/my problem, which I denied was depression , however its what i called it because I don't know what else it could be. I was " better" for 4 ½ months but yesterday I started freaking out. I couldn’t breathe very well and couldn’t stop crying. I only started crying because all my clothes were dirty and I couldn't find an outfit to wear to go meet a family friend ( I ended up not going and telling my parents that I wanted to take a shower instead) . Everytime I saw something that reminded me of when i was "depressed" ( I always wore these black jeans and I really liked this one body spray) I would start feeling like I needed to scream . I was in my bedroom home alone. I could've gone anywhere in my house but i couldn't move from my room. I felt dirty and that everything i owned needed to be burned. Now i feel like i did four months ago. Like a worse version of myself. After yesterdays freak out I feel myself slipping back to my "depressed state" and i am terrified.Even as I am writing this I feel like I am exactly back where I was.I thought I fixed it . I feel like I am playing a part. I want to tell someone and get help but when I am about to I say to myself "you have no reason to be depressed you have a great life, and you're just overreacting , you're a 14 year old girl. You probably just liked the drama of it, you WERE in middle school. You made this all up " and I don’t do anything. Am I overreacting or is there something wrong with me? Sorry if this is unclear. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.