Needing advice , whats wrong with me?

I finally decided to write down what has been going on. Here’s exactly how i felt about 4 ½ months ago.

I think I'm depressed, I feel ****** all the time and I don’t want to go out with friends. I spend my nights crying over things that shouldn’t matter. I feel like i am really fat sometimes and I try to not eat and exercise a lot but i am too tired after doing it for 2 or so days. I wear myself out after doing "exercise"( 20 pushups and squats in my bedroom) . I've been scratching myself a lot . It makes me feel better somehow. I think out taking pills and overdosing but i would never do it ( i don't think) Some nights ( really bad ones) I would pretend i would kill myself I also think about what it would be like if I died. I've only cut once , i cut my wrist with my razor blade ( for shaving my legs) . I didn't like all the blood so stuck to scratching my stomach. Sometimes i feel like a burden on my friends . I hide the way I’ve been feeling by acting really goofy and “random” so no one would ever guess how I felt.

I even tricked myself, I thought , I’m fine see? Im having fun but I wasn't really having fun . I felt like I was just acting in a movie. I decided to tell one of my friends and she just tried to outdo me by saying things like “ how could you be depressed are you kidding I’M depressed” She later went on a fair ride alone with my crush ( who I was going to ask out on the fair ride) she was a ****** friend.

The first paragraph was how I felt for the entire 8th grade and summer going into 9th. At the end of the summer I played really well at a viola concert and then the next weeks I felt free. I thought I fixed me/my problem, which I denied was depression , however its what i called it because I don't know what else it could be. I was " better" for 4 ½ months but yesterday I started freaking out. I couldn’t breathe very well and couldn’t stop crying. I only started crying because all my clothes were dirty and I couldn't find an outfit to wear to go meet a family friend ( I ended up not going and telling my parents that I wanted to take a shower instead) . Everytime I saw something that reminded me of when i was "depressed" ( I always wore these black jeans and I really liked this one body spray) I would start feeling like I needed to scream . I was in my bedroom home alone. I could've gone anywhere in my house but i couldn't move from my room. I felt dirty and that everything i owned needed to be burned. Now i feel like i did four months ago. Like a worse version of myself. After yesterdays freak out I feel myself slipping back to my "depressed state" and i am terrified.Even as I am writing this I feel like I am exactly back where I was.I thought I fixed it . I feel like I am playing a part. I want to tell someone and get help but when I am about to I say to myself "you have no reason to be depressed you have a great life, and you're just overreacting , you're a 14 year old girl. You probably just liked the drama of it, you WERE in middle school. You made this all up " and I don’t do anything. Am I overreacting or is there something wrong with me? Sorry if this is unclear. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

Hi Tiger
Thank a lot for sharing your experience. I am not an expert but just a fellow here. I do not think you like drama or something like that. You feel depressed and that is a real feeling. It would be important to determine whether your depression is a regular feature of your adolescence or a condition itself. Is there any counselor you can talk to?
I am sending you a hug

8th and 9th grade were hard for me too, and actually so was most of high school - but take the ups where you can get them, and try to focus on them when you're in the middle of the lows. Try to focus on doing things that enrich you and make you feel better about yourself. Love to read? Check out some of the classics like Jules Verne's 'Mysterious Island' or any other book you want. Love food? Learn to cook something new. Want to travel? Take time to lean about the culture and history of places you'd like to visit. (just some ideas)

I wish I could tell you it gets better with age, but I'm 27 now and sometimes I still feel as mixed up as I did when I was 14. I think the important thing (and I wish someone would have told me this when I was young) is to learn how to take care of yourself and rely on your self. No one in this life is going to make all your problems go away, and for the most part no one is going to do the work for you. It takes a lot of time and practice to learn, and I'm still learning too, but that's what growing up is for. Hugs.

From what you said, depression is very likely. The next question is what to do. First, talk with your parents or school counselor to see treatment options for you. A therapist or counselor can help you learn new skills of how to deal with life when you feel down. Post here when you need to, its a great coping skill. If you need ideas PM me and I'll see what I can do to help you. Remember people do care about you. And there is always support here for the hard times. And many friends to make. Hugs