When I was 19 I stayed at my sister in laws house for two weeks. It made an impression on me that still affects my life in a positive way.

One day I asked if she had a phonebook. She immediatly went to a cupboard and got it. Then I asked for a pen and paper - she opened an organised drawer and pointed. Inside were little containers with everything a person could want. pens, notepads, paperclips, safety pins, rubber bands - all in their seperate compartments.

I think my mouth dropped open. I realized, that week had been the first time I had lived in an organized home. I reflected that I hadn't had much anxiety that week. That there was an underlining feeling of stability in that home that I hadn't known prior.

I spent the second week observing this strange creature who always got up and went to bed at the same time. She always looked together. Her make up done, clothes unwrinkled. Who could juggle a full time job, 3 boys, and a husband. A clean home, supper on the table each night at the same time. The beds made daily, the clothes in the drawers were folded - even underwear - folded. She made life seem effortless. Just a movement from task to task without seeming frazzled. How was this possible?

I thought, if organization came make things seem more calm, I want some in my life. But what comes easy to one person can seem impossible to another. Especially if their life is ruled by inconsistency due to mental illness.

I mean, how can we? When one day is so different from the next, is consistency possible? When we have no idea what we will wake up to? For me, the last two days were normal, today I only slept 3 hours and am fending off delusional thinking as best I can. Scatter brained and inconsistent. I am connected to nothing, and floating in memory.

That reminds me, I have to take my meds (been up 4 hours and forgot).

Okay, back and ready to go: Creating consistency - how can we feel like we are just living if we rigidly write out a daily schedule? This doesn't work for me. As much as I want to be my sister in law, I cannot live this tightly and feel allowed to exist as is.

What I have learned to do is watch my hands.

When I notice my mind starting to wander, I try to look at my hands and see what they heck they are doing. Example: washing a dish, use my eyes - look - see - do.

By learning to live in the moment, I have shed some of the frazzled erratic feelings about my lack of control over my life. If my body is walking across the floor, I try to have my brain aware of my feet.

This simple definition of how to exist in the time and place I am in is how I occasionally achieve that feeling of calm.

That and trying to remember it is easier to return a pen to the pen cup then to find a pen that is missing.

One step at a time.