Hi,

I used to think I was Bipolar II. My infrequent episodes last a few day. No sleep was the worst of it.

From Thanksgiving to a few weeks ago I was in an unbelievable (to me) episode. Psychosis, pissing off everyone I know, hallucinations, and losing 25 lbs. in a month. It was so intense.

Here's the f-d up part. Right now I've crashed. I've been horribly, horribly depressed for over a week. I'm especially so disturbed about a relationship I ended with a girl I truly loved. AND ALL I WANT IS TO RETURN TO THAT MANIC STATE.

It seems so favorable to this almost suicidal hell I'm going through. Sure I destroyed relationship, blew through all my money, and yet I want it back.

Can anyone relate? It's like coming off a bad acid trip, and being like, "Let's do some more."

I want everyone here to try to understand what I've been through and give me your feedback. How can euphoria and total sense of power lead to a depression so low you don't want to get out of bed.

That's where I'm at. I tried to be as descriptive as possible. Unfortunately, I can't remember what I did in the manic state. It's totally blocked out, like a drunk after a blackout.

I know it's biochemical but I'm hurting so bad right now. I'm not suicidal or anything, but a life that seemed like it had all possibilities becomes a world where everything you believed while manic was a lie. All those grandiose thoughts, the great ideas...all seem so silly and meaningless. The mind of a madman.

Sorry to go on and on. I'm just in a lot of pain, and it was a lot more fun when I was out of my mind.

If someone understands, please reply. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt all this. I equate it to being on a terrifying rollercoaster, and being, like, "Yeah, let's do it again." That's exactly how I feel right now.

Thanks for reading all this.

But here's th