Coming down and wanting to go up

Hi,

I used to think I was Bipolar II. My infrequent episodes last a few day. No sleep was the worst of it.

From Thanksgiving to a few weeks ago I was in an unbelievable (to me) episode. Psychosis, pissing off everyone I know, hallucinations, and losing 25 lbs. in a month. It was so intense.

Here's the f-d up part. Right now I've crashed. I've been horribly, horribly depressed for over a week. I'm especially so disturbed about a relationship I ended with a girl I truly loved. AND ALL I WANT IS TO RETURN TO THAT MANIC STATE.

It seems so favorable to this almost suicidal hell I'm going through. Sure I destroyed relationship, blew through all my money, and yet I want it back.

Can anyone relate? It's like coming off a bad acid trip, and being like, "Let's do some more."

I want everyone here to try to understand what I've been through and give me your feedback. How can euphoria and total sense of power lead to a depression so low you don't want to get out of bed.

That's where I'm at. I tried to be as descriptive as possible. Unfortunately, I can't remember what I did in the manic state. It's totally blocked out, like a drunk after a blackout.

I know it's biochemical but I'm hurting so bad right now. I'm not suicidal or anything, but a life that seemed like it had all possibilities becomes a world where everything you believed while manic was a lie. All those grandiose thoughts, the great ideas...all seem so silly and meaningless. The mind of a madman.

Sorry to go on and on. I'm just in a lot of pain, and it was a lot more fun when I was out of my mind.

If someone understands, please reply. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt all this. I equate it to being on a terrifying rollercoaster, and being, like, "Yeah, let's do it again." That's exactly how I feel right now.

Thanks for reading all this.

But here's th

It's the nature of the beast. I don't have bipolar, but I can understand through people I've known with the disorder how awesome the highs CAN be and how painful the lows are. Every single one of them does struggle a little on medication because the highs can be super gratifying. But it just shows why medication is so essential. Think about being able to have a really good day without feeling like you're losing your mind and then being able to have a bad day that doesn't make you feel like a dried up raisin. Being able to lessen how high the highs get can also help keep the lows from becoming unmanageable. It's really tough, but the two phases really do go hand in hand. There are several different medications that can really help even you out so that you start feeling a little more normal and can help you maintain the state of mind needed to not make any drastic life changes (like breaking off a perfectly good relationship that you had been happy with).

Are you in Therapy right now?