Hi, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have, well, a bit of a problem.
Lately it seems like I just can't win, no matter what I do. I have Asperger's and it's destroying me. My only "friends" are the two losers that everyone makes fun of at school, and even then we hardly ever interact. I can't speak to people, I make an idiot of myself every time and it just keeps discouraging me more and more.
I cringe at all the stupid mistakes I've made in the past and I know a year from now I'll do the same about my current self.
It sucks to be one of those self-aware Aspies that has a big heart and genuinely wants to be likeable but just ccannot pull it off.
No one ever talks to me and it feels like I'm invisible. The only people who do treat me like a child who needs to be protected.
I try going to social events. I end up running home and crying, and then people think I'm ignoring.
I tried talking to the one person that ever did anything thoughtful for me, she didn't even respond.
I'm so pathetic that buying something from a convenience store is an accomplishment for me.
I've never heard the words, "Wanna hang out?" in three years. I've never heard the words "I love you" or even "I like you a little bit" from anyone ever, who wasn't involved in giving birth to me.
There's a good chance my father might send me off to some sort of mental facility because I don't talk to him at all.
My own sister avoids me, and rightfully, because I used to rummage through her room when nobody washome . I don't do it anymore though, but it still stings thinking about the **** I've done to people.

I just want to quit, to live a normal happy life, or none at all. I'm tired of seeing people around me happy, laughing, hugging each other and just crying from it.
Is that too much to ask for? All I want is one person to care about me, as a person with feelings.

But as I like to say, no rest for the wicked, or the horribly unlucky.

I'm tired of staying at home in the dark every day because being social is so draining to me. Even if I try I always end up failing. Another black mark on my record.
I'm pale as a ghost and thin as a twig, even though I eat a lot. But it doesn't matter how I look because no one ever sees me anyway.

And now I feel like there's no point anymore. Like I'm just an empty shell, my soul leeched out of me. Like every day is just one more unbearable lash in a never-ending cycle of lashes. Like, I seriously have not been able to enjoy anything in...as long as I can remember.

I'm seriously contemplating suicide now, and I've tried to talk about it but there's no way I could even squeak the words out.
The only thing stopping me is how much it would hurt my mother. But that's literally the only thing. I've thought long and hard about it and it very well might happen as soon as I can get a helium tank.

And there's no cure. There's no way to get rid of Asperger's. This is how the rest of my life is going to be.
Is it worth it?
Why was I given this terrible curse? Why am I forced to keep myself alive for others that shouldn't care about me but do because we have the same blood?

God is the biggest **** I know.