Help

Hi, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have, well, a bit of a problem.
Lately it seems like I just can't win, no matter what I do. I have Asperger's and it's destroying me. My only "friends" are the two losers that everyone makes fun of at school, and even then we hardly ever interact. I can't speak to people, I make an idiot of myself every time and it just keeps discouraging me more and more.
I cringe at all the stupid mistakes I've made in the past and I know a year from now I'll do the same about my current self.
It sucks to be one of those self-aware Aspies that has a big heart and genuinely wants to be likeable but just ccannot pull it off.
No one ever talks to me and it feels like I'm invisible. The only people who do treat me like a child who needs to be protected.
I try going to social events. I end up running home and crying, and then people think I'm ignoring.
I tried talking to the one person that ever did anything thoughtful for me, she didn't even respond.
I'm so pathetic that buying something from a convenience store is an accomplishment for me.
I've never heard the words, "Wanna hang out?" in three years. I've never heard the words "I love you" or even "I like you a little bit" from anyone ever, who wasn't involved in giving birth to me.
There's a good chance my father might send me off to some sort of mental facility because I don't talk to him at all.
My own sister avoids me, and rightfully, because I used to rummage through her room when nobody washome . I don't do it anymore though, but it still stings thinking about the **** I've done to people.

I just want to quit, to live a normal happy life, or none at all. I'm tired of seeing people around me happy, laughing, hugging each other and just crying from it.
Is that too much to ask for? All I want is one person to care about me, as a person with feelings.

But as I like to say, no rest for the wicked, or the horribly unlucky.

I'm tired of staying at home in the dark every day because being social is so draining to me. Even if I try I always end up failing. Another black mark on my record.
I'm pale as a ghost and thin as a twig, even though I eat a lot. But it doesn't matter how I look because no one ever sees me anyway.

And now I feel like there's no point anymore. Like I'm just an empty shell, my soul leeched out of me. Like every day is just one more unbearable lash in a never-ending cycle of lashes. Like, I seriously have not been able to enjoy anything in...as long as I can remember.

I'm seriously contemplating suicide now, and I've tried to talk about it but there's no way I could even squeak the words out.
The only thing stopping me is how much it would hurt my mother. But that's literally the only thing. I've thought long and hard about it and it very well might happen as soon as I can get a helium tank.

And there's no cure. There's no way to get rid of Asperger's. This is how the rest of my life is going to be.
Is it worth it?
Why was I given this terrible curse? Why am I forced to keep myself alive for others that shouldn't care about me but do because we have the same blood?

God is the biggest **** I know.

I'm not so sure your father can commit you, for not talking to him. High school for most, is the pits! I wouldn't choose to base the rest of my life off of those four years. Nor choose to decide the future is pointless during high school and under the same roof as the parental units and sibling(s). It may 'feel' that way now, but it isn't reality. High school sweethearts are historically overrated, barring the .001%

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Hey Dingus, I once found myself feeling the same way that you describe in my younger years - so I can relate to your feelings/emotions.... I'm older now, 33.... I do know that how you feel feels very real to you... That you feel like a victim of circumstances that appear unchangeable or outside of your sphere of influence...

I know what I'm about to say may sound very foreign to you... 'Life' is not what it seems on the surface.... Your physical mind creates a distorted perception of your sense of self - it creates a distorted perception of your circumstances. There is good news.... You highest identity and true nature is NOT defined by your Asperger's condition. It's not defined by your physical body, your skin tone, your weight, etc... It's not defined by your social relationships (or lack thereof). Society incorrectly conditions us to believe that we are should define ourselves by all these external circumstances that exist outside of and around us - things we have little (or no) control over. Even though life can strongly appear that way (at first) - it's absolutely not the case and we eventually come to this realization when our lives are viewed from a state of HIGHER awareness.

Suicide ideation is like a form of escapism, it only provides a superficial (false) sense of 'release' and relief from your suffering. Please trust me that such a course of action will not solve your affliction - it will not help you in the grand scheme of things and will cause harm/pain to others whose lives you are a part of, and you don't want to do that (you already sense this, which is good)....

You have to work your way through this challenging period of your life. I'm not saying this 'just because' - there is something very valuable to be gained by enduring through this adversity. As difficult as it might be to imagine, you will strengthen your character and refine your soul by working your way through these struggles. Suffering is an agent of refinement - but it's absolutely vital that you 'hang in there' and continue to push forward. These self-defeating thoughts, uncomfortable feelings, and negative perceptions of yourself will be transmuted, healed, and transcended over time. Be patient please. It's not your external circumstances that you need to change, it's your internal circumstances that you need to address and work on. I know that this physical world gives you the impression that your external circumstances control and dictate your internal state of being, and this makes individuals feel helpless and like a victim - but that is all part of the illusion that we ultimately learn to see beyond and overcome.

Do you like to read? Would you considering reading books which can serve to promote vitally important contemplation and self-reflection - which over time will serve to alter your perception of your life, your circumstances, and of your existence? Please consider this as a course of action that you absolutely do have control over, something you can proactively engage in that will improve your internal state of being. There is no 'quick fix', and that's not what this life experience is about. Please continue to write about your innermost thoughts and feelings - even if you don't save what you write, and no one else reads it. Just the act of writing things down is therapeutic and carthartic because it allows you to consciously acknowledge and process the emotional energy you are holding onto - which is very important.

You're not alone in how you feel. I've been there too, so have countless others. The hardships bring you to a point where you finally realize that a certain way of thinking and perceiving is not working for you anymore, and that you've had enough of the 'old way' of operating... This course of events pushes you into new areas of awareness & perception. And you modify and change your 'inner world' over time. That is the way out. It's not about controlling all these things outside of you that you perceive to be the true cause of your suffering, it's about elevating and expanding your Awareness, and thereby altering the way that your perceive (which influences your thoughts & feelings/emotions). Introspection, self-reflection, contemplation are your 'best friends' throughout this process...

Feel free to reach out to me should you feel the need to.... I'll leave you with two of my favorite inspirational quotes of wisdom:

"You believe (and upon this little word belief hang all your sorrows and joys) that outward things have the power to make or mar your life; by doing so you submit to those outward things, confess that you are their slave, and they your unconditional master; by doing so, you invest them with a power which they do not, of themselves, possess, and you succumb, in reality, not to the mere circumstances, but to the gloom or gladness, the fear or hope, the strength or weakness, which your thought-sphere has thrown around them. You say you are chained by circumstances, you cry out for better opportunities, for a wider scope, for improved physical conditions, and perhaps you inwardly curse the fate that binds you hand and foot. It is for you that I write; it is for you that I speak. Listen and let my words burn themselves into your heart, for that which I say to you is truth - You may bring about that improved condition in your outward life which you desire, if you unswervingly resolve to improve your inner life. I know this pathway looks barren at its commencement (truth always does, it is only error and delusion which are at first inviting and fascinating) but if you undertake to walk it; if you perseveringly discipline your mind, eradicating your weaknesses, and allowing your soul-forces and spiritual powers to unfold themselves, you will be astonished at the magical changes which will be brought about in your outward life." ~ James Allen

"One cannot alter external things to suit his passing whims and wishes, but he can set aside his whims and wishes; he can so alter his attitude of mind toward externals that they will assume a different aspect. He cannot mould the actions of others toward him, but he can rightly fashion his actions towards them. He cannot break down the wall of circumstance by which he is surrounded, but he can wisely adapt himself to it, or find the way out into enlarged circumstances by extending his mental horizon. Things follow thoughts. Alter your thoughts, and things will receive a just adjustment. A disturbed mind gives a distorted reflection of the world. Subdue the mind, organize and tranquilize it, and a more beautiful image of the universe, a more perfect perception of the world-order, will be the result." ~ James Allen