Hi d.o.a, I'm sorry you're still struggling and it doesn't matter how many times you write about it on here, getting past/working through the experiences you've had can be real tough I know
But remember that you're looking at what she did through your eyes (and plenty of us would see it that way too, but...........) not through her eyes. It sounds like she had a lot of "problems" and she may not have understood/seen/felt the gravity of what she did/didn't do as we'd see it. To her it may not have been a betrayal, or maybe she felt she had no alternatives???
Maybe she just felt you should have a dad regardless of his problems, maybe she felt that she couldn't hold onto you without him being around, maybe she just wanted to pass everything over to him.........lots of possible reasons, but I know none of them makes what she did "right" for you
But you have come so far in realising that it was about them/their failings, not about you.
And they have put you through more than enough already, you deserve to work your way on to putting them more behind you.
Because now you can find people who want to know you, who will listen to/understand you, people who do care. They are out there, in fact there's plenty of us on here!!!
And the crying........maybe that will come in time as you gradually feel your emotions more "validated" (by yourself and by others). But just keep reaching out for support when you need it, hey?? We're here for you.

Alison