What feels like endless grief.

Hi there,

Thought I'd write about this here once again as I can't seem to move forward.. I've been feeling really sad again lately about my mum 'abandoning' me. I don't even know anymore if that's the right word to use, but I feel it was the 'ultimate betrayal' from her that she didn't take me away from a dad who didn't want me. The fact that she subjected me to him meant I had no choice but to dissociate, cut off most of what was 'me'. This man who didn't want to see me.. And then my mum didn't either, in other ways.. Becoming aware of this has made me realise we really need other people to see and hear us in order to become who we are.. other people wanting to know us!

I feel I've had this problem of not being able to cry, though, for as long as I can remember. Lately, I've had this feeling in my chest and behind my eyes like something, tears, are waiting to come out or should come out, but I just can't do it! I'm thinking, 'What's the point? No one will care anyway..' And that's how it was with my parents.. My therapist once said that if no one reacts to a child's crying, the child has no choice but to ultimately stop. Why cry if no one is going to do anything, not going to help you out! But I feel I really need to let go of this grief energy somehow..

Thank you for reading

i havn't been able to cry even when people die. i had a great cry years ago it felt so good i think i cried a river. ever since then i havn't been able to cry. boy it felt good too. if i were you i wouldn't be afraid to cry, maybe you just can't. good luck

Hi d.o.a, I'm sorry you're still struggling and it doesn't matter how many times you write about it on here, getting past/working through the experiences you've had can be real tough I know
But remember that you're looking at what she did through your eyes (and plenty of us would see it that way too, but...........) not through her eyes. It sounds like she had a lot of "problems" and she may not have understood/seen/felt the gravity of what she did/didn't do as we'd see it. To her it may not have been a betrayal, or maybe she felt she had no alternatives???
Maybe she just felt you should have a dad regardless of his problems, maybe she felt that she couldn't hold onto you without him being around, maybe she just wanted to pass everything over to him.........lots of possible reasons, but I know none of them makes what she did "right" for you
But you have come so far in realising that it was about them/their failings, not about you.
And they have put you through more than enough already, you deserve to work your way on to putting them more behind you.
Because now you can find people who want to know you, who will listen to/understand you, people who do care. They are out there, in fact there's plenty of us on here!!!
And the crying........maybe that will come in time as you gradually feel your emotions more "validated" (by yourself and by others). But just keep reaching out for support when you need it, hey?? We're here for you.

Alison

it's totally understandable to feel the way you do. i'm so sorry you had to go through such an awful experience

I'm sorry you feel this way. You should have had some support from a parent who is supposed to be trusted with your care. You have abandonment feelings and it is hard to overcome them. I too suffer from this and am disassociated from people. There are not a lot of people who you trust with your care because the ones that were supposed to packed you away. I do not have many friends but have found some happiness here on PC because we have all suffered some sort of pain. We do not judge, we understand. We do not kick out, we embrace, we do not hate, we love. I feel a great weight lifted when I post and get a lot of love from people who are not obligated to me in any way but yet they continue to give advise and hope. There is hope here and I hope that you receive it. You are not alone in your battles, you are in an army that will stand to the end. You feel like you are alone and there's no point in letting out your feelings because no one is listening. I too do not cry, but I hope to soon, I believe that you will too soon and when you do it will be the release that you have been waiting for. I hope this helps to let you know that you are not alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words, everyone!

I think you're right about the crying, I probably shouldn't worry about it. I'll cry when the time is right.. The odd thing is, though, that I can be a real cry baby when it comes to stories I hear about other people. When I hear about something bad happening to my friends, I'm in tears. Films and TV shows move me deeply. But when it comes to me and what I've been through, I close off. I'd feel pathetic crying. I have a feeling it's because I was never hugged or comforted when I cried as a child. I learned to treat myself coldly as well, probably even thinking there's something wrong with crying. Guess it's self-preservation..

I know I should probably see things from my mum's perspective.. I mean, obviously, she had her reasons for doing what she did. It just seems so mental to me to marry a man who didn't want to get married, and then have kids with this man who called her crazy for wanting children! They have a really strange bond, that's all I can say..

I would like to turn to my own life, but it seems like such a mess.. I'm so insecure I've spent the last year almost completely cut off from people. I can't work because of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and I can hardly go to the shop due to fear, shame, blushing, social phobia.. Can't afford to get help either. I really don't know how to get my life back on track! And yet, I have to do something..