maybe i need to go to a damn psychologist and get this **** sorted out, because i keep doing stuff i don't want to do, have time lapses, everything is just lost, it feels like. yet i feel fine. maybe because i am so used to feeling this way, it feels normal. i definitely have childhood trauma before the age of 5. i do feel like everyone is slow and everything is slow. i have had out of body experiences since i was a small child, i have always felt like i am looking at myself from above, or through a glass window. not all the time, but it happens often.

the thing is, i'm not really ashamed of mental illness, i just... i don't want to hear peoples' **** about it. people are completely ignorant when it comes to education about mental illness that they ask stupid questions, speak at me loudly, talk slower. it's irritating. i'm already confused about why i can't be "accepted" or "normal" and all of that. i don't even care anymore, i have like 2 friends in real life, which is saying better than last year, and the last 8 years, i had 0 friends. i am a mess. i need help. but i just sit here. and i am a hypocrite. it's crazy. who is this. i keep saying i don't care, but i am annoyed with myself because i won't get off my *** and get help. the main problem is i literally live in the middle of nowhere, there is no help out here, i can't find it if it is. every time i try to get help, all of the numbers are disconnected or i live in the wrong county or my insurance doesn't cover it. this is when i'm getting ready to give up again. just fuk it.