It happened again...

I've been doing so well that my T and I agreed to stop having regularly scheduled sessions. And then my Pdoc and I agreed to decrease the frequency of checkups and also reduce the amount of effexor I'm taking. So when all has been going great for several months...

WHAM!

I made an impulsive action last night that has sent me into the darkest pits of despair. This ALWAYS happens and there is NO getting away from it. I just want it to STOP. What's worse is I don't think my spouse will be able to put up with it for much longer. I imagine my life separated and not being able to see the kids but 2 weekends a month or something, and how terrible that is. I could not stand it. I love them so much that I would be tortured to death 1,000,000 times over just to ensure they have a happy and healthy life.

It's like it's not a question of if it will happen, but when. How could anyone put up with someone like me? I am an unpredictable waste of life.

What I wouldn't give for a shut of some powerful drug right now.