Eskielover, I am sorry you have gone through that many years of pain. We ignore the red flags and hope things turn out for the best. I didnt manage to give myself the closure I should have back then.
That he wasnt the husband he should be to begin with is also one of the negative and painful memories I have. Its clear back then he didnt need me back then and if that is so then he didnt love me and never did anyway.
I struggle with unhealthy guilt, not wanting to hurt and disappoint him. That is crazy after what he did. Its quite sad and sick when I need to tell a lie ( which is a sin by the way ) to protect myself than rather say "I dont think I can remarry you because of this and that and what you did".
I feel very split and confused. I am aware that I feel and think many different and contradictory feelings. both guilt for telling him no, sadness for not marrying him, relief if not marrying him.
I hope I will find a way.
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Originally Posted by eskielover
Right there is your NO answer. There isn't any of your emotional rationalization that is EVER going to make it right.
That's because you didn't close it when he left the first time. Your closure needs to just be the fact that he didn't treat you like a H the first time & those things don't change no matter how much wishful thinking you want to have.....you are only going to end up sorry in the long run. I had huge red flags that I saw before I got married. I was talked out of them being real or reasonable & was told that he would grow up & change after we got married. I was miserable for 33 years in that marriage before I finally was at a point where I could leave. The first 20 years I basically hid out in my degree & career while our daughter was growing up....the last 13 years I was financially trapped in the marriage after my career collapsed.......why in the world if you see the red flags are you trying to talk yourself out of seeing them only because of your wishful thinking that he changed.....just tell him thanks but NO THANKS.....I'm sure that your list of pro's & con's would definitely show you that this would be a very FOOLISH thing to do.....don't look back on your life with that kind of regret & look back at how foolish your choice was.....remember, guys are going to try to sweet talk you & promise that they have changed.....it's all a con. Use your wise mind & don't go there....don't even waste your time talking to him about it or give him any false hope that you might really be interested.
You can do better than this....but you can't if you end up trapped in a bad marriage in his country that you will have a hard time getting out of......also it would be wise to know just how they would view your "born again" beliefs in that country also......that might be a cost you don't want either. You need to start being wise & stop being emotional & driving everything you do in your life based on your lonelyness. I would rather be single & alone like I am than miserable in a marriage like I was.
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