unsolved grief/trauma

5 years ago my ex husband divorced me cruely, probably wanted a green card. Even I am not 100% sure if that is all he wanted. I have gone through a lot of pain and I am aware of that the trauma I went through with him is not solved within me. I still carry the grief and loss of what I dreamed of. He never came to my country.

He divorced me in anger as I had not done the process right and he thought he would not get here.He was very cold and cruel during the divorce and I still do think he might be an abuser and user. He divorced out of the blue when hearing me say I dont know if I get the papers I need. He changed demeanor with the blink of an eye. I would believe he was angry because he lost a lot of saved up money and they are poor down there, so I guess I can understand the anger?

I met another man after my exhusband. I left him as he used me. It was a struggle to get rid of him.

While I was still "half married" to my xhusband he vanished in anger during the revocable divorce he gave me because he wouldnt agree to see me during the process, which hurt me a lot, so I said its better he leave me if he doesnt want to see me, he vanished in anger and divorced fully, even behind my back.

I have stayed in contact with my xhusband for three years after he vanished for 7 months after the divorce ( going silent ) as he didnt want to give up on us having contact. Talked about having respect for each other. I gave in since I had a crush on this new man. I thought I would handle it fine and I did.

I left my new man ( user ) a year ago. I have no feelings at all for him anymore.

Half year ago my xhusband lost his father.

Two days ago my xhusband asked us to marry again, that I will travel to middle east, stay there and that we should do it all right this time and with no mistakes. I never thought I would even consider getting back with him and I dont know do I. I am not over the grief and trauma of the loss of what I hoped for with him. I know I dont love him the way I did as
he broke my heart and trashed my feelings cold heartedly with no consideration for the pain he let me go through. I feel stuck in the middle of knowing what I know and the still going pain from the trauma. I know somethiung must happen to get an end to being stuck. Be stuck like this or finally getting an end no matter what happens.

4 years ago I prayed to God to help me not loose him. My xhusband sent me a text those days "last chance or you have lost me" ( getting the papers right)
I was in the middle of fear of abandonment and lose him. He divorced me anyway in anger or frustration, giving me weeks of pain, on and off should he divorce or not.

5 days ago I cried to God to please give me a solution how to end the contact with my xhusband as I cant get over the grief or trauma otherwise.
At same time I cant bear to lose what I hoped for with him. I will believe this is difficult because I still have unresolved grief.
I dont wish to face the pain of cutting the contact for good. I dont want to feel his death ( emotionally )not being in my life.

Is that love or is it just the feelings of the unsolved grif/trauma?

I crid out to God from deep of my soul to please help me find an end to it as I cant do it myself, I need His help.
The last year I became born again ( I believe ) and two days ago my exhusband asked me to marry him again.

I dont know if God wants me to act or not or what to do. I will put my trust in Him. Maybe God has a plan. At least happen his will and not mine.

But I am left with lots of anxiety, confusion about what to do. Because I know by myself that something must happen for me to get past the
trauma he caused me. But I dont know what God wants me to do. I dont know myself what to do. Only I know that I wonder if there is a meaning with this.

Its weird, my sister said a month ago while I was crying "maybe its meant that he shall come to you". I said "what no no, after what he did, listen here!" I was almost offended.
But now he asked this because we now know each other. Dont know if he hs took some words from my mouth as I said this to him. Not that I really do, but at least better than 5 years ago.

He said "may God forgive him for what he did" ( to me ).

What scares me is will he do the same again, leave me. He promise he wont.

How do one solved unresolved grief/trauma. If you feel you have to do something or go throught something to get past the trauma should you do that?

I still dont know if my xhusband really knows emotionally in his heart what pain he caused me.

hi tearsinabottle
i would find it very difficult to trust a man that hurt me so. i would feel that he is manipulating my emotions and could not trust that he would not do the same thing he did to me the first time. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hi kaliope and thank you for replying to my post. I am thinking the same as you that I cant trust him and I dont. I dont think I would later either. But I dont know how to overcome the pain he caused me. It happened suddenly and cut off. I lost my xhusband in a minute that horrible day.

I experienced loss and abandonment in childhood and one death by suicide ( my brother )before age 14.

I hope my heart will be healed and that there will be a way.

I think the same that I cant trust him and I dont. I know I will still carry the grief unless something solves out about this. I guess I just have to trust that God will keep me safe if He see that more of my xhusband will only bring more grief.

Its difficult to believe that a person who caused you so much grief would change his character.

I am afraid I will always think about what could have been if I dont remarry him. At same time I hope there will be some obstacles in the way for marriage. I hope this not because I wouldnt wish to have what I dreamed of, but because at least I would be saved for (maybe ) more pain.

To add..it is 3 1/2 year ago my xhusband divorced me. And its 5 years ago since we met.

I think you need to stay single and work on your own issues.

Why do you repeatedly fall for men who use you? Why are you considering going back to a man who used you to get a green card?

Why don't you think that you deserve better?

Just because some grade-A jerk asks you to marry him does not mean that is God's plan for you.

It almost sounds like you never fully healed. You said you couldn't see yourself with him a month ago but just 5 days ago you didn't want to lose him? Plus you want to move to another country? (I'm assuming). He did stuff behind your back and you want to re-marry? Is this all correct? I may be reading it wrong. I would need more time apart with comm cut to really heal myself. Seems like a lot of unresolved issues there. Kali and I are picking up on those red flags (from what I saw of her input). Ultimately you should do what makes you happy we will be here for you

You are "FULLY" divorced from this guy & I would definitely LEAVE it that way.

I know that maybe in your culture a woman's value is determined by being married & maybe that's what's pushing you into these bad marriages because you haven't learned how to VALUE yourself.....but honestly like Chipper monkey said.....
You need to become more independent & STOP holding onto grief & loss from a marriage that long ago......it's OVER, it's OVER....you were used....LEARN from it & stop being used over & over again.

Until you can learn to be independent & stop trying to hang onto the past & start living in the future with goals & plans for yourself...not for yourself with someone else.....you will NEVER stop allowing yourself to be used or even OWNED by a husband.......women are NOT PROPERTY....we stand on our own with our own values & deserve respect not just love.......if you don't learn to respect yourself.....no one else is going to either....you just keep leaving the door open because you aren't changing anything so you aren't going to get any different results.....sadly, those values tend to attract abusers not chase them away.....being strong & independent usually doesn't allow the door to open to abusers because they usually KNOW they won't get away with it......

But then again, these are more westernized values that women here have learned to value over the years.......& that may not be where you are or where you are even able to come from......but these are definitely things that we have come to realize regarding relationships & marriage relationships in specific.

But you definitely need to know that there are other views on the way women relate to men....& so far you have basically proved that the way you are going about it ISN'T working

Hi all and thank you for your opinions. I know you are right. I had started to heal but that my xhusband should ask this came as a surprise and it ripped up the dreams I lost so suddenly back then. I have been thinking much and there are many negative memories that I have. Like he didnt nearly touch me down there, show no affection, didnt talk much and didnt share of himself. It was uncomforatable, but I thought it was because of his culture or way of being when we first met. I dont want to experience feeling that way again as affection and feeling wanted is a nessecity for being happy and fullfilled. He said he made mistake about this. ( just to say the first two days he was touching me, but then it stopped after marriage ). There is no way I would want to feel that way again and even he say it all will be different I am not so sure that he will be able to show affection and love. I dont think he has it in him, not only for me, but not for anyone. However I can be wrong.

I dont have support around me and I do need to continue work on my issues. I have a father and some friends. I am thinking about seeking support in some way from them. I am easily manipulated but I am getting a bit stronger and have a bit more power. Still I know I would be safe if I had support around me to confront my xhusband and speak to him and put him in place and tell him what I deserve. I think I do deserve a better way than what was happening down there and with the divorce.

Thank you all.

(((Tears))) From what I've read in your words, everything in you is crying out don't get involved with him again!!!! Please don't open that door again. Run in the opposite direction. See a therapist to help heal the hurt and show you what a healthy relationship looks like. These are tools you must have in order to experience a fruitful relationship in the future.

Ruftin, thank you for replying to me, you are right that there is alot in me that says not to get involved with him again. I dont think he will love me when he didnt back then. However people can of course change and it would be different if we both lived in same country, same city, then I could at least not fear him using me being out for green card. But its a big risk to take when he has done what he did to me and I will be very sorry if I did a mistake marrying him again and it turned out he only wanted green card and left me once again. He knows my concerns and understand them, but I think I must have a talk with him and tell him what "I" need to be happy and that I am not sure can he love me the way its needed. I dont think he will fullfill that and then it will be more pain and wasted years. There is some positive things too, I have met all his family and lived with them and that his family knows he has been talking to me for all these years. And again he wants me to live with his mother, him and some family members that still lives at home. My xhusband lives at home. But just because I have met all his family and lived at their house doesnt mean that he can love me. He may think he can, but I think that he doesnt know quite what love is or he cannot love. He has said things that are not normal to say. Thing that would make people look at you with disbelief and I think it must be part of his disorder whether it is narcissism or worse.

I am thinking so much and the voice in me tells me more to not go through this than to marry. I cannot forget how he treated me and all the mean things he said during the divorce. If I knew already that he really had changed and had repent and really meant he is sorry it would be different, but I dont know that. It is something that only could be seen when together but I doubt that it would be any much different. I dont know, but I think not. And I dont think I can take that risk unless I had something that made me safe. But what should that be.

I should need a therapist, I hoped to get one only to get letter in mail box I didnt have any need for it. This was letter from the health specialists. But I will try again and may get another therapist another place.

Is he the same born again religion that you are?......if NOT....then his asking you to marry you is NOT something that God would will.....

Another consideration....if you end up in his country in his parents house (you lived with them before?).....the thing is that if you end up being treated as badly, then you will have no where to go to escape the bad marriage & you may not be allowed to leave the country.....depending on what country you are moving to & the religious beliefs that are practiced in the country.

Honestly, I wouldn't even bother telling him what you need....I would just say, "I have considered your proposal & it's NOT the right thing for me to go back & remarry you". People just don't change like that & your thinking that he has changed is just really wishful thinking & probably has nothing to do with reality.....& living in the same country if you go to his.....it going to leave you with absolutely NO SUPPORT to turn to if there is a problem.....they you will only have to figure out how to get home again. Doesn't sound wise at all & bothering to waste your time to tell him what you need is pointless also IMO.

The saying "Once bitten, twice shy" comes to mind.


You got involved and married to him once before, not knowing how ugly he can turn on you.


To do it again, knowingly, I'm sorry for my bluntness, but that doesn't seem smart at all.


You have two separate parts of you trying to make this decision.


The part that hurts, that's lonely, that yearns for love, and the part that's logical that sees how you haven't managed to heal from his previous hurts and wants to protect you from subjecting yourself to that again.


My advice?


Make a Pros and Cons list, and don't add things like his family likes you, as that is of no consequence. Unless of course he abandons you and you get stuck in a foreign country, then it will help that they like you. Ideally, you want to stick to the relationship itself, write down all the good and bad facts and stack them up against each other. That way you can see black on white which ranks higher...

Hi eskielover and Trippin, thank you both for replying,

eskielover, we dont have same religion so its right this is also something I think about and I also think would God want that. I dont think so unless there was a meaning behind it all. He would not want us to live there, this is why I am thinking about the huge risk I would take and to be sorry if he did the same once again. I have lived with his parents, so yes you got that right.

Trippin, I know intellectually it doesnt sound smart at all, but I feel something still are not finished with this, like a chapter that needs to get its end or outcome. Its just a feeling. It might be a false wish thinking feeling. Maybe I can make a list and see if there would be some pros. I am aware of the fact that it is my wounds what he did to me that hurts and may be the reason this is difficult for me, to make a decision.

Right there is your NO answer. There isn't any of your emotional rationalization that is EVER going to make it right.

That's because you didn't close it when he left the first time. Your closure needs to just be the fact that he didn't treat you like a H the first time & those things don't change no matter how much wishful thinking you want to have.....you are only going to end up sorry in the long run. I had huge red flags that I saw before I got married. I was talked out of them being real or reasonable & was told that he would grow up & change after we got married. I was miserable for 33 years in that marriage before I finally was at a point where I could leave. The first 20 years I basically hid out in my degree & career while our daughter was growing up....the last 13 years I was financially trapped in the marriage after my career collapsed.......why in the world if you see the red flags are you trying to talk yourself out of seeing them only because of your wishful thinking that he changed.....just tell him thanks but NO THANKS.....I'm sure that your list of pro's & con's would definitely show you that this would be a very FOOLISH thing to do.....don't look back on your life with that kind of regret & look back at how foolish your choice was.....remember, guys are going to try to sweet talk you & promise that they have changed.....it's all a con. Use your wise mind & don't go there....don't even waste your time talking to him about it or give him any false hope that you might really be interested.

You can do better than this....but you can't if you end up trapped in a bad marriage in his country that you will have a hard time getting out of......also it would be wise to know just how they would view your "born again" beliefs in that country also......that might be a cost you don't want either. You need to start being wise & stop being emotional & driving everything you do in your life based on your lonelyness. I would rather be single & alone like I am than miserable in a marriage like I was.

Eskielover, I am sorry you have gone through that many years of pain. We ignore the red flags and hope things turn out for the best. I didnt manage to give myself the closure I should have back then.

That he wasnt the husband he should be to begin with is also one of the negative and painful memories I have. Its clear back then he didnt need me back then and if that is so then he didnt love me and never did anyway.

I struggle with unhealthy guilt, not wanting to hurt and disappoint him. That is crazy after what he did. Its quite sad and sick when I need to tell a lie ( which is a sin by the way ) to protect myself than rather say "I dont think I can remarry you because of this and that and what you did".

I feel very split and confused. I am aware that I feel and think many different and contradictory feelings. both guilt for telling him no, sadness for not marrying him, relief if not marrying him.

I hope I will find a way.

I'm sure you grew up being taught to feel that kind of guilt or it wouldn't be so easy to fall into that being your norm now. That's so easy to have happen as many parents feel that women especially should be taught to feel that way......but we know that's NOT the way God wants us to feel.

There is no time like now to start working on changing those guilt feelings that you have been taught to feel. You will NOT be hurting him as I'm sure he will go find someone else who may not be so convenient....you don't even know who may be pushing him just to get married again...there may be something going on in his life that is pushing into needing to be married & you are the convenient one who's been hanging around feeling guilty from the first time married to him......I'm sure he will find someone else to get married to who may fit his beliefs & culture if you tell him no......you don't even have to give him a reason....just tell him no. The more information & talk you do with him, the more confused he will try & make you trying to convince you that your thinking is wrong....You thinking ISN'T wrong so there is no point in even discussing it with him......I know your wishful thinking is to have what you didn't have the first time.....but that's NOT going to happen & it's wrong in more levels than just that.

I know that you can be strong.....stand with God's strength support. That's where your strength comes from....I know it's where mine has come from over these last few years since I left my marriage. God has provided more in my life than my H ever did & finally free to figure out who I really am......you can do this also

Pray for the strength to say NO.....as you know that marriage would not even be pleasing to God let alone good for you in so many number of ways & it could even be dangerous for you.

Thank you for your caring words. I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I have lots of FOO issues. I am trying to heal and start live for me, trying to live by the fact that I have needs myself. I try be able to speak my needs. To speak our needs is almost impossible with an abuser, narcissist or sociopath.

I have been thinking a lot again, and I do have a plan that I think will work fine. Most likely my xhusband is not going to like it and probably get slightly defensive and withdraw from his idea to marry again or he will understand. Either way it puts me in a favored situation and I dont think he is ever going to handle it. I need to do this my way because I know already I am not going to be able to say just no.

God doesnt want bad for us. He knows what is best for us and He see everything. I dont think really that I will hurt my xhusband, not like we get hurt. These abusers/users usually just get hurt merely because they dont get their way. I guess their hurt are more a defense. But he has been so normal for these years that I have a hard time trusting myself on this. I do at least remember him turning into Hyde in blink of an eye. It was a shock.

I dont think he is getting pushed to marry as he needs his parent accept to marry ( now again, crazy )and even need a yes from a sheik. Long story. I think its because he see an opportunity to try the same as before since he did a mistake back then stepping in the salad. You should have seen his face drop when he stepped in the salad wanting divorce, then hearing I may get him here and then a second later he would not divorce. His face dropped as he knew he had exposed himself. It is clear he wanted one thing. I guess a green card. He even said he was afraid of leaving me if he got to my country. He even in the process of getting him here, he said out of the blue like nothing ( while I was his wife thinking things were ok and I could get him here ) that he may not want to go to my country, maybe he wanted to go to Australia. He said this while I was his wife! And another time he said "I feel for you, but I dont feel very very much for you" The he said "I didnt say I didnt love you" when I asked so you dont love me?.

These statements and words from him are shocking and odd. It has become clear to me I cannot forget all the things he said to me ( there are more ), its not reparable unless he agreed to follow my plan. Something I dont think he can handle. He cant handle that if he is fake.

I am sure you and for those who may read this will sit in disbeief over what he has said. I think its part of his disorder not having empathy. He also said when divorcing me to stop cry, what are you crying for, are you finish now?!. Zero consideration for how I felt. This was very traumatic for me, not to mention when he dragged me to the computer to tell me he wouldnt dicorce, then jumo on and off torturing me with not divorce/then divorce, this did go on for 3 weeks. I didnt sleep or eat.

I hope I too will find the strength like you did and that God will provide me with words to speak. I do think my plan will make him withdraw.

Thank you for your caring words. I grew up in a dysfunctional homes so I have lots of FFO issues. I am trying to heal and start live for me, trying to live by the fact that I have needs myself. I try be able to speak my needs. To speak our needs is almost impossible with an abuser, narcissist or sociopath.

I have been thinking a lot again, and I do have a plan that I think will work fine. Most likely my xhusband is not going to like it and probably get slightly defensive and withdraw from his idea to marry again or he will understand. Either way it puts me in a favored situation and I dont think he is ever going to handle it. I need to do this my way because I know already I am not going to be able to say just no.

God doesnt want bad for us. He knows what is best for us and He see everything. I dont think really that I will hurt him, not like we get hurt. These abusers/users usually just get hurt merely because they dont get their way. I guess their hurt are more a defense. But he has been so normal for these years that I have a hard time trusting myself on this. I do at least remember him turning into Hyde in blink of an eye. It was a shock.

I dont think he is getting pushed to marry as he needs his parent accept to marry and even need a yes from a sheik. Long story. I think its because he see an opportunity to try the same as before since he did a mistake back then stepping in the salad. You should have seen his face drop when he stepped in the salad wanting divorce, then hearing I may get him here and then a second later he would not divorce. He knew he had exposed himself. It is clear he wanted one thing. I guess a green card. He even said he was afraid of leaving me if he got to my country. Then saying he would not leave me if I got him there. He even in the process of getting him here, he said out of the blue like nothing ( while I was his wife thinking things were ok and I could get him here ) that he may not want to go to my country, maybe he wanted to go to Australia. He said this while I was his wife! And another time he said "I feel for you, but I dont feel very very much for you" The he said "I didnt say I didnt love you" when I asked so you dont love me?. I think this is what broke my heart the most.

These statements and words from him are shocking and odd. It has become clear to me I cannot forget all the things he said to me ( there are more ), its not reparable unless he agreed to follow my plan. Something I dont think he can handle. He cant handle that if he is fake.

I am sure you and for those who may read this will sit in disbelief over what he has said. I think its part of his disorder not having empathy. He also said when divorcing me to stop cry, what are you crying for, are you finish now?!. Zero consideration for how I felt. This was very traumatic for me, not to mention when he dragged me to the computer to tell me he wouldnt divorce, then jump on and off torturing me with not divorce/then divorce, this did go on for 3 weeks. I didnt sleep or eat. He even said to me on and off how he didnt know should he divorce or not, if he did a mistake or not and he said this because he didnt know would I get the papers I needed. All while I cried and lay sleepless in pain and not eating.

I hope I too will find the strength like you did and that God will provide me with words to speak. I do think my plan will make him withdraw.

Just wondering if all his other plans didn't work out either the way he wanted them to & maybe parents are pushing him to get married because he's getting older & not married & maybe no one else will agree to him marrying their daughter because he is divorced so maybe his parents feel that you are the only choice that's still left & since you married him before & were so devastated because of the divorce initially they think you will jump at the chance to marry him this time.

Remember, he might not be as abusive as it's the culture he's brought up in.....marriages are usually arranged & not for LOVE & many times the wife is looked at as property & not a partner wife, It sounds like you weren't very aware of the culture that you were marrying into either & definitely had different expectations than he did out of the marriage even if it had worked out. It does seem obvious that the green care thing was probably his highest priority to use you for.

Just beware because many times a guy who is good at manipulating will end up agreeing with you just to manipulate you into the marriage then afterward not end up going along with it after it's too late for you to JUST SAY NO. I know that my situation wasn't as serious as yours but I had a whole list of things that I threw at my fiance before we got married & told him that if there was any problem with any of them, I didn't want to get married because of the red flags that I saw with him. He agreed with me on everything. When I finally left him 33 years later, I asked him why he had agreed with me when in reality, he hadn't agreed with any of the things I sat out as being my demands in the marriage. He said that he didn't believe that I really meant what I said so he went ahead & agreed with me on everything ......what an idiot!!!!! Guess he wanted to get married a lot more than I did. Those red flag issues I had with him caused me to NEVER respect him & honestly I never did love him....I just hadn't realized it until I was able to look back at the marriage after I finally left....I could see all the bad things so much more clearly just as you are doing.

Just be careful if it does end up agreeing to your plan that it's an honest agreement & that he's not just manipulating you in order to get you to do what he wants.

I am a little surprised that a sheik would agree to him marrying someone who is born again & of a different religion unless they figure they will be able to bring you over to his religion especially if you are living in HIS country....that could be a very dangerous situation for you not only mentally but physically......be ware & be careful.

Eskielover, thank you for having taken the time to read my post and to reply.
I dont know if he had any other plan that didnt work out. I do think his mother wants him to get married as he is getting older. I do think his father also wanted that when he lived. My xhusband has told me his father wished him to get married, but to me it sounded like his father had said that after the divorce with me. But I believe his father wanted it for many years even before me and my xhusband met. My xhusband has been divorced before but their marriage never got consummated. My xhusband told me she cheated on him but it makes me wonder who did really cheat or if something else happened all together. If she cheated how come he lost the mahr ( bridal money ) he gave her. In this case I think he would have the right to get it back. It makes me wonder if she experienced his uncaring side, just like I did.

I dont think the abuse he inflicted on me had anything to do with religion because the things he said and did has nothing to do with being religious at all. His contradictory and odd statements is rather a sign of a disorder rather than being religious. I did have expectations that he would treat me as a wife after marriage. All that includes being husband and wife. He did opposite, at least after marriage. He was aloof and didnt even try meet my eyes. I remember one time I was looking at him to try make him make some eye contact, but he just gave me a blank stare for a second, he avoided meeting my eyes. He just sat there aware I was looking at him. I remember I thought is there something wrong with him. It was something I could not put my finger on, it was just bizarre.
I do think green card was what he wanted most of all. Now when he asked to remarry he said he wanted to make real with me and him, that he didnt want to remarry only thinking about himself and do it for himself ( because I was suspicious ), but do it for me and his mother too.

Getting a yes from a sheik is because I converted to Islam some years ago but didnt know they didnt believe in Jesus death and resurrection. I quickly went back to Christianity. My xhusband knows I left Islam and he needs to answer the sheik if I will say yes to go back to Islam. I dont want that. I guess he knows that the sheik will say no to him to remarry because my xhusband cant marry someone who has left Islam. But I will not go back to Islam. Maybe this will be enough for my xhusband to not be able to remarry.

You also had a plan and your xhusband agreed to everything but after marriage didnt follow up. I know this is how they manipulate and it is scary. I dont know if my plan is any good but I dont think my xhusband is going to be able to be intimate with me and love me. I truly dont think he is able to be close to a woman the way he should. He told me back then one day that its not normal to be close to a woman, did I think he is rubbish now. When I was down there in middle east he said "do you see how I am laying", while we should sleep down there. He lay half meter away from me like I was garbage. But the strange thing is that he didnt act like this before marriage. It makes me wonder if he hates women. One day I asked him if he was gay. He was shocked. I thought maybe its the madonna ***** complex that narcissists have. But all this, I dont think my xhusband is ever going to be able to meet my demands for closeness and intimacy and making love. Of course I cant know, but I doubt it. I will tell him I will just go home not looking back if he acts like a "no husband." Maybe this will scare him off wanting marriage. The hole in my plan is that he can, as you say, manipulate me because intimacy cant happen before marriage but I will tell him I will go home not looking back if he cant meet the normal duties of a husband. I have heard of those men who were out for green card only, that they had big problems being intimate and loving if they were not attracted to the women they married.

In july me and my friend with family will go to Crete. I booked before my exhusband asked me to remarry. I have not told him I will go. But I dont have to say anything now. It will be a nice holiday

Before my xhusband asked me to remarry I many times felt I wish I would be back with him. But now when he actually has asked and its a reality and I remember all he said and did, I feel like I know I dont want to remarry. I dont know. Maybe the meaning with all this is that I should find out this and then be free to move on emotionally from the trauma. Not having to wonder anymore. Not having any longing for what I didnt have with him back then.

I forgot one thing that may be the most imortant factor that he would withdraw. I will tell him I cant stay married to him if we cant have time together down there as a married couple. The fact he lives at home, he is going to say we cant be making love because we are in his mothers house. But I will say I cant come down there and cant stay married if I cant see proof of his love when down there. There is no way for me to marry him again with same circumstances as first time. I married him after two months, after three four days after meeting him in real. I had no time to see if he really could love me. He didnt. And I will under no circumstances be that follish again and do same naive mistake. And I dont think he will agree to this, telling me we have no place to be private.

Last time we had another flat, we were allowed to stay alone at his sisters and her husbands flat as my xhusband had asked for this, but even so he did not touch me and acted the way he did. It was a huge disappintment, telling me he would wait til he got to my country. Why on earth would he do that when we were already married. For green card.

So I think he will get defensive and withdraw or he may agree and not follow through. But I will stand my ground.

I think this will definitely be enough with just this for the marriage to NEVER happen....as long as you are firm that you WILL NOT convert back before ever getting to the point of marriage. You need to be firm in your belief.......even if he were to say it would be ok for you to not convert.....honestly, you would be putting yourself in a very dangerous physical place at that point & a bad marriage would be the least of your problems......don't know if you are aware of the feelings toward Christians in that area of the world......you would have to be not paying attention to any news not to know how dangerous it is.....but for your own safety it would be foolish even if he would accept that you wouldn't convert or even if he would tell you that to trick you into coming....you need to know better than to get tricked again.

You definitely didn't even know him long enough to even KNOW him.....& definitely not long enough to ever know that what you were feeling was love....love grows it's not something that just happens without knowing the person.....that is called infatuation or wishful thinking that you are wishing it would turn out the way you DREAM.....but remember, DREAMS are NOT REALITY.....& you seriously need to get in touch with reality....& the reality of that area of the world in relation to your beliefs. When we don't research & get to know things before we do them....that's when things like converting to something you don't even believe happens because you had no idea even what you were being asked to convert to.....You definitely need to start becoming more knowledgeable about the things you are getting involved in & honestly....the difference in religion should be a huge enough thing for you to not even play the games you are playing with him to get him to not want to marry you.....those things you are requesting he can so easily lie to you about to get you to go along with the marriage....you really need to stand on something a lot more firm than that IMO......& your safety in the country he wants you to live in with your beliefs should be scary enough for you to never even consider messing around trying to manipulate him to rethink asking you to get married.

My heart & my prayers are with you in this & asking God to give you the strength to stand up for your beliefs strong enough so that they are what gives you the strength to say NO....& that you know that your safety is really what is on the line if he were to not get defensive but want to manipulate you into marriage....that would prove that he doesn't care about you because he doesn't care about your safety.....he knows exactly how the people in his country act toward people who have chosen to LEAVE his belief......& it's NOT a good picture no matter how he tries to paint it for you to see.....do your own research & you will see. ....know it's not easy since you just said that not long ago you were born again....but holding onto that is so much more important than being married to someone who doesn't care.....remember, God tells us not to marry into a situation where we are unequally yoked......that means of differing beliefs....God warns.....we need to pay attention to that warning...especially in situations like this.

I hope too that it will be enough to not get married. I will be firm that I will not go back to Islam. I have seen and heard bad stories both on the news and from people who have been in a marriage with an abuser in Islam or third world country. I used to be fearless before because I was very naive and trusting, didnt know that people could be so evil and treat someone so heartless. The last 4 years has opened my eyes and I know now that people "can" be that heartless and that there are many horrible dangerous situations.

I must be wise enough to not get tricked into a loveless marriage again where he only wants a green card. I pray God to protect me from more pain and to save me from a loveless marriage. I was naive and though there would be love even one marry quickly. But I have learned that its important to get to know the man first. To know that he is a good person and not someone who has bad intentions. Its right I was infatuated with him. I attach very quickly, but I have gotten wiser and I am not naive anymore. There are wolves in sheeps clothing everywhere.

There is a longer story why I converted to Islam. The man ( also a muslim ) I met after my xhusband said I had to convert if we should get married, but he fooled me and lied to me and only used me for sex. I was infatuated with him too, but his personality got so disgusting with time that I had to withdraw and leave him. I converted partly because I wished to get married with him and partly because I thought Islam also believed in jesus death and resurrection. I was foolish and hoped so much for love. I have grown in many ways. I have learned that I need to be true to myself and that I am worth being loved for being me. I have learned that I dont have to change anything about myself to be loved. That if someone loves me they will love me for me, that if they dont like something about me then they just have to go. I have heard from others that it doesnt work for me to be nice as I easily get manipulated otherwise.

My xhusband doesnt want us to live there, he wants us to live here in my country. This is why its a too big risk for me to marry him. I know there would be worse risks if we should live there and if he would manipulate me into marriage without getting defensive. But I think he wants the green card more than anything. A year ago he talked about what a dream it would be to be here for only one day. Never did he say he would long to be with me. The fact he said out of the blue he may want to go to Australia when he had me, his wife, working with the papers here is unbelievable.

I was mixing religion with culture when you mentioned his abuse/culture. I am sorry about that and I know more what you meant now. I agree that since they have arranged marriages they often marry without love. His first x fiance and him was arranged.

The rest like saying he would go to australia and sending me threats to make the papers or I have lost him and all that is disordered thinking.

I have not read about how they treat people who has left Islam, but I will make research. Thank you for making me aware and thank you for your prayers. It is true God tells us not to marry into situations where we are unequally yoked. I dont think that he would convert to my religion. They even refuse to read in the Bible which is sad. If they did they would get to see history and the true Jesus.

Xhusband agreed in everything and was amazingly understanding. I honestly had expected defensiveness. He even said its my rights. I am still surprised over how he can be totally different than before.

Anyway, as expected, I stood my ground concerning my faith and he cannot marry me if I dont convert. He used much energy hoping to proove to me that Islam is right path. So as long as I have my faith there wont be any marriage.

Its a bit sad because it seemed like my xhusband was totally changed I can only wonder how or why. I know though he still hopes for me to make shahada again. But I will never believe another gospel unless God revealed it to me.

I'm so very glad to hear that you stood your ground concerning your faith & it's good that is the road block to the marriage because it needs to be a road block as much for you as it is for him.

Hold onto your faith stronger than you hold onto anything else in your life as God will give you eternally something that no man can give especially one who is trying to pull you away from your faith.......you have me standing with you & my prayers are with you for strength & growth in your faith.

Only way he would be totally changed enough for marriage would be if he would come to believe your faith. Eternity is a lot more valuable than the "hear & now"

I know for me, my faith has grown so much over these last 8 years when God has provided for me better than my H ever did....not in material ways, but in providing in difficult situations that are things I know only God could have done.

Any time you need any support or have any questions....you are always welcome to PM me. I am so Glad that God revealed the truth to you & gave you strength to stand strong in your faith..........you are in my prayers

Thank you, eskielover. My xhusband had the chance to have me as wife when he had me but he trashed me when he thougt I could not sponsor him. I think in some way God is with me a second time. He saw what was happening back then. And now its the faith that blocks. I feel sad these days because of the hurt he let me go through, it still hurts. To trick someone into a loveless marriage for a green card ( mostly for the green card ) and to lie about love and ruin someones dream and life is one of the worst thing someone can do to another. Even he seesm to have changed it can still be a mask. Probably it is. It makes me sad but he broke my spirit and changed my life forever. I see the world with different eyes after that traumatic experience. I was trashed in a second when he thought I couldnt sponsor him, he left me to bleed while he did not care at all. I didnt know people could be so cruel. That is something very hard to forget if ever.

I pray though for my xhusband, that God will reveal the true Jesus to him, that he "did" die on the cross. God would not deceive the people with a false religion for hundred of years and being an incomptent God who couldnt get the message across. It makes sense that Quran may be antichrist or part of it. Its opposite gospel than the Bible concerning Jesus. It makes mocking of that they killed the Messiah. The weirdest thing is that in Sura 19:33 in the quran it says about Jesus : " Peace on me the day I was born, the day I will die and the day I will be raised again." The quran says here that jesus died

I am glad too I stood my ground. Like God provided better for you I think maybe God have something better for me too some day. It makes me sad these days, I guess because things got ripped up emotionally again. Even if my xhusband would say "ok you dont need to convert, lets marry", I dont think I ever could forget what he did to me and I would always feel insecure and not quite happy because of it. Things like these are not repearable unless God healed us both and it came a miracle. My xhusband wasnt the one who was abandoned, trashed and forgotten, he wasnt the one who cried for weeks alone while I went on not caring. How could I love someone if I treated someone that cruel. I feel theres no hope to find love again, I dont even know if I am able emotionally anylonger either to want someone new in my life. I guess its here I am stuck in the grief and trauma. It makes me sad to think of finding someone new and leave me xhusband behind, but I cannot forget what he did, so it seems like its neeeded only Gods healing and miracle, that he will raise me up.

Blessings and prayers to you, eskielover, thank you for your care and support