In one of my other threads people asked me the same thing: are you really ready to end therapy? I sometimes think I don't, other times I think I do. I know I WAS ready when I made the decision. T and I talked about it and he agreed. Otherwise he would have tried to convince me to stay in therapy.

The termination process cost me a lot of energy. Not only because of the grieving, but also because we tried spacing sessions and that didn't work for me at all. When we tried another strategy, I felt better. But then therapy was over and I was still grieving.

There are other things going on in my life right now that don't make this thing easier. I haven't mentioned those before. I'll soon lose my job and have to look for another one. But the kind of jobs I like, are hardly available, so I have to rethink my career. And I really don't know yet what other jobs I like. That's causing a lot of insecurity. Because of the grieving, I don't have what it takes to think about my career and applying for jobs. I'm feeling more and more pressure because the clock is ticking. Combined with some other personal things, I'm in a downwards spiral.

Now I'm thinking more frequently: why don't I call my T for help? He said before I left that I could always call him. But I still don't want to. I think for me it's the easy way out. I was too dependent on him and I need to learn to do this on my own, with the help of my own support system. Also I'm afraid that I'll get attached again if I see him and have to go through the grieving all over again.

I have learned to open up to friends, but I've always found it the hardest when times are the toughest. Like now. So I want to learn to ask help and support from my friends in these kind of situations, not my T. I can't expect people to keep asking me how I'm doing like they did when I was in therapy. People think I'm doing better now (because I didn't tell them everything lately). I have to start the conversation myself.

Maybe it might have been better to have practiced this some more when I was in therapy. Maybe I did quit too soon. But I want to try on my own now, I shouldn't be dependent on my T anymore.

I do really miss the support I got from my T. I never had that growing up and my parents still can't give me the emotional support I need. They talk a lot but only superficial stuff. I didn't realise that before therapy (or ignored it to survive), now I do. It's really painful to realise and acknowledge it. During therapy I realised it too, but then I still had my T. Therapy met my needs in that area, I suddenly had someone who felt like a dad/parent to me and was always there for me. That is such a good feeling that I'll never get back. That leaves a whole in my heart.

I didn't think of all this when I started this thread. The thread and your reactions got me thinking. That's good, it helps me figure this out more. Thank you very much.