Rebuilding life after T

I just want to vent I guess. Life after therapy isn't like coming home after a holiday and picking up where you've left. It's like starting all over again and redefining everything, because I've changed so much. Not only my beliefs and opinions and things like that. I even feel different about some of my hobbies. That doesn't mean I'm not happy about the changes, because I am. Very very much.

It's hard work to rebuild my life. The more because I'm still missing my T. Grieving over him. He is what causes the pain and not the one to guide me through it, like he's guided me in the past years. I'm on my own now. The grieving takes up a lot of my energy. Energy that I don't have enough, because I haven't had the chance to gain it back. I was feeling better at the end of therapy, but the grieving set me back a lot.

I may have missed your story, but are you "ready" to be finished with therapy? I'm sorry it hurts.....they do become a big part of our lives, even though they're really not supposed to.

I remember you talking about your ending, your choice to end, I always wondered reading your story whether you were really ready, you had been seeing your T for a relatively short time, one and a half years, and I remember you saying how hard you found the ending at the time. Do you have the possibility of carrying on? Perhaps that would feel hard after all you have been through in ending. I know people do go back after ending. I don't have any answers about ending, I just see from reading people's stories on here how hard the endings often are. Maybe there are people who have had good endings that left them feeling settled who could say how they and their T did it?

In one of my other threads people asked me the same thing: are you really ready to end therapy? I sometimes think I don't, other times I think I do. I know I WAS ready when I made the decision. T and I talked about it and he agreed. Otherwise he would have tried to convince me to stay in therapy.

The termination process cost me a lot of energy. Not only because of the grieving, but also because we tried spacing sessions and that didn't work for me at all. When we tried another strategy, I felt better. But then therapy was over and I was still grieving.

There are other things going on in my life right now that don't make this thing easier. I haven't mentioned those before. I'll soon lose my job and have to look for another one. But the kind of jobs I like, are hardly available, so I have to rethink my career. And I really don't know yet what other jobs I like. That's causing a lot of insecurity. Because of the grieving, I don't have what it takes to think about my career and applying for jobs. I'm feeling more and more pressure because the clock is ticking. Combined with some other personal things, I'm in a downwards spiral.

Now I'm thinking more frequently: why don't I call my T for help? He said before I left that I could always call him. But I still don't want to. I think for me it's the easy way out. I was too dependent on him and I need to learn to do this on my own, with the help of my own support system. Also I'm afraid that I'll get attached again if I see him and have to go through the grieving all over again.

I have learned to open up to friends, but I've always found it the hardest when times are the toughest. Like now. So I want to learn to ask help and support from my friends in these kind of situations, not my T. I can't expect people to keep asking me how I'm doing like they did when I was in therapy. People think I'm doing better now (because I didn't tell them everything lately). I have to start the conversation myself.

Maybe it might have been better to have practiced this some more when I was in therapy. Maybe I did quit too soon. But I want to try on my own now, I shouldn't be dependent on my T anymore.

I do really miss the support I got from my T. I never had that growing up and my parents still can't give me the emotional support I need. They talk a lot but only superficial stuff. I didn't realise that before therapy (or ignored it to survive), now I do. It's really painful to realise and acknowledge it. During therapy I realised it too, but then I still had my T. Therapy met my needs in that area, I suddenly had someone who felt like a dad/parent to me and was always there for me. That is such a good feeling that I'll never get back. That leaves a whole in my heart.

I didn't think of all this when I started this thread. The thread and your reactions got me thinking. That's good, it helps me figure this out more. Thank you very much.

Instead of therapy you can try finding a "Life Coach". They might help you decide on a proper career path the will work well for you. Insurance companies do not cover their services so it would be out of pocket.

I get that it would be hard to contemplate having to go through the grieving process again. A life coach does sound like a good idea, it would ensure you put some time aside each week for thinking about your job/career. I find each week goes by so quickly and it is easy to let things that need to be done slip.

It sounds like you didn't really like the idea that you were having therapy?

I really get this. I had a similar experience - telling myself that I shouldn't go back and that it was time to deal with life on my own or use friends for support (in that equal supportive way that friends do). I'd also had the emotionally unavailable parenting and discovered how amazing T's 'reparenting' support was. For myself though, I recognised that I was forcing myself to cope alone, resisting my need to still have T's support.

If you're telling yourself you 'should' be able to cope on your own then it might be that you are forcing yourself to do this when your heart tells you that it's not the right thing? Ask yourself: If this was my best friend with this dilemma then what would I advise him/her to do? What would I want most for him/her to recognise?

How about asking T if you can have occasional support on a when-you-need it basis? That was what I did and it worked really well. It gave me the space and independence to develop my own strategies but with T's safety net there if I ever needed it.

Be gentle with yourself and take care.

No, that's not true. I was and am very okay with it. What gave you that impression?

Thank you so much for this! I do really need my T's support, this made me realise it even more. You're right, I am forcing myself to cope on my own.

Were you also attached to your T? How long after your therapy did you contact him or her again? Did you get attached again?

Sorry if I got that wrong, I think it was because you said you felt you shouldn't be dependent on him anymore, maybe it seemed like you considered seeing him 'being dependent', and that that was not good.

No problem. I don't not like the idea of being in therapy. But you're right about this.

These are some thoughts I have about being in therapy - I have friends who have really supportive relationships with their parents, and have had all their life, this relationship really benefits them. I have never had that. I've come to therapy pretty late - I'm in my 40's and started a year ago. This therapy is giving me something that others have had all their life.

Same here. I was two weeks from 40 when I started, and it's been just over a year. In a way, my therapy is giving me something others have had their whole lives, and strangely, it's been a strange transition. Sometimes I fight it. I know I'm nowhere near even thinking about "the end," my T thinks I have years of therapy ahead of me. I see her twice a week, and have for almost a year. That was only supposed to be for a short time, but it sort of stuck.

I'd done some therapy in the past, but I started my most recent stint, which has definitely been the most intense--when I was 34, after having my daughter. I'm now 38. Feel better that some of you are around my age

It's been two days, I've been thinking a lot about it since then. I was leaning towards contacting my T again. I talked about it to a friend and she gave advice similar to what Daisymay in this thread gave me. I still didn't contact my T after that, I stil didn't know if I should really do it. Something still held me back.

I also talked to some other friends yesterday and the day before. It wasn't easy, but I knew I had to do it. This is the perfect situation to do my "homework". I still don't feel very comfortable doing it, but I did alright. My T would be proud. I am proud. And it helped, I'm feeling a little better. I can think clearer.

I'm even leaning towards not contacting my T now. Maybe I can get through this without his help. Everytime I think such a thing, it hurts. I think it hurts to acknowledge that maybe I can manage on my own. Why does that hurt? It doesn't make sense. It also makes me so angry. Why is that? Is it my kid part that's angry at the mature me? The mature me will do just fine but the kid in me needs her T? And maybe even tricks the mature me into contacting her T again?

There is still something to say pro seeing my T. When termination came up, I wanted to space sessions, to slowly get used to life without therapy. That didn't work because I couldn't let my T go when he was still my safety net. It had to be one way or the other. Emotionally, that was the best. I'm not over him, but it's not like it was two months ago. Maybe now is the time to start phasing therapy out. To get my life together with his support and slowly merging into life without therapy. I'll have to set boundaries though, in order not to get so attached again.

As you can see, I'm still so very conflicted. I hope you have some advice me for me. I could really really use it!

Yes, I was very attached and felt very dependent on her for quite a while. I had strong 'maternal transference' feelings - kind of wishing she could look after me. It took a lot of understanding and passing of time and developing of myself before that lessened and turned into something that felt easier, lighter and 'healthy' to me. I didn't attempt to leave until I reached that point where my relationship with her felt kind of 'grown -up' if that makes sense. So, when I did get back in touch about eight months after termination - for the first of occasional checking in sessions by phone (which happen now a few times a year) - my dependency didn't get triggered again. So it's probably good to wait until you get to that point if transference/strong dependency feelings are an issue.

I felt I was allowing myself to ask for support I needed without getting all tangled up in feeling too needy. It still often feels like a whole new thing for me to allow myself to do that! Contacting her now has become just one of several things I might do when I need a bit of extra support.

So basically, don't end too soon. Be patient with yourself. Self-compassion is very healing
Take care.

There are actually quite a few of us who are around that age.....that helped me knowing that too.

Thanks again. The strange (?) thing is, I reached that point when I still was in therapy. It was in the fall of last year that I first felt a change in dynamics. The relationship started to become more equal. A few months later I felt ready to leave the nest, I was ready to be on my own. So yeah, 'grown up' makes sense, I know what you mean. I really did feel that.

But because I was grieving so badly, I now doubt whether I really reached that point or that I should've stayed a little bit longer. Although I couldn't have, because I wasn't able to let him go emotionally while still seeing him. The only way was to end therapy. Which felt okay at the time because I did feel all grown-up. I'm going in circles, aren't I?

I drive myself crazy over this. I'm now thinking I should call T and make an appointment just to sort all this out. I need to talk to him whether it's good or bad for me to be in contact again... Now that's confusing...

There's nothing wrong about calling for an initial single time session for processing. I don't know whether you terminated too early or not. I do know grieving for a past friend who you will never see again is hard. Even, if you know they are not dead. You just can't see them again. Perhaps, you had a very deep bond with your therapist. Unlike friendships and, say, moving you can't call them regularly just to chat and check up. If you saw T as a friend or greater your grieving could just be normal.

I agree.
The grieving is normal. And, Coco3, as it's possible to do so and if you need to do so, then getting back in touch occasionally can help. You might find that you can go longer and longer without the occasionally contact as you become more comfortable with moving on without T. For me knowing she is still there just in case seems to be all I need to know now.

You might find that contacting your T and having even a brief exchange will give you a burst of motivation and feeling of support. Maybe you will benefit from doing that a few times a year for a while. No harm in that, I think.

I'm doing better than a week ago, when I started this thread. I was so frustrated and conflicted and didn't know how to change that. A lot has happened since. I've sorted some things out and made some important decisions. I'm glad that's of my chest.

Which leads to... me being exhausted. I sleep a lot and I'm taking things slow. I'm too tired of even thinking about calling T. I don't think I need him so much anymore right now. I think I've gotten through it, for now anyways.

My vacation is coming up soon. I can really use the break. And I'll see how it goes when I get back. I'll deal with it later. Now I just need to rest.

I don't know how I will cope. 2.5 years now. It's been fortnightly though. And he's on his third break for this year already. So. I dunno. Maybe one day I'll get annoyed enough to nt bother coming back. I still need a safe place for my crap though.