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Originally Posted by llleeelllaaannneee
Sorry I couldn't get my systme to cut/paste but you mentioned something about not being yourself around the people you know, that you conceal how you truly feel. This sooo resonates with me and I like what SeekingPerspective said about sharing yourself more.
I've been doing so much soul searchiing these days and one of the things I've come to realize is that I don't let people know how I feel and what I truly think. I too feel very disconnected and not close to anyone.
I have past trauma/abuse and a history of being and/or feeling not listened to. It's like I never developed the skill of expressing how I felt or thought in the moment because it seemed too messy or like no one would want to hear it or they wouldn't listen or like me.
My Dad was abusive and he didn't listen. But then he got really old and decided he wanted a relationship with is kids. There's a part of me that will always be closed off to him but I started telling him things because he was the only one listening and then I told him more and I've felt some closesness. What I mean to say is, it may take time and the right person/people but I think there's something to the 'be yourself' thing.
'Be yourself, everyone else is already taken' -Oscar Wilde
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I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you, llleeelllaaannneee
Yeah I know what you mean. The thing is that I do act like myself but I conceal my thoughts and opinions (i feel like my opinion doesn't matter/not very important). I more so just crack jokes a lot and am joking about 800% of the time with my friends (I do like to joke around). But idk it's like I can't feel the closeness. If I did start sharing my thoughts/opinions with them they may think I'm weird because I'm actually a very hopeless/pessimistic person and I much rather not be pessimistic around them so I keep to myself. Sometimes with my friends I go to the point of not messaging them for weeks on end - I pull myself away. Then I give them a dumb excuse of "sorry, I had an extremely busy week I couldn't get to your messages," when in reality I'm just browsing YouTube, sleeping around or literally doing nothing and staring at a wall. I think that nobody really knows the
true me. I can get really depressing sometimes and they wouldn't even know it.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
As a child, how well were you treated and listened to by your parents?
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I wasn't very close to my parents since I was a kid. They wanted a boy but they had me - a girl. I have other younger siblings as well so they got more attention than me. My parent also used to fight a lot so I spent a lot of my time crying in my room as a child. I also tried to run away once but I didn't succeed (obviously) because I'm still here lol Even now I'm not very close to them. I feel like a stranger in the family (I even overheard my mom talking to my sister and telling her to build a relationship with me; this is clearly not working). I'm pretty much labelled as the dissapointment/failure of the family. I honestly don't even remember the last time I talked to my dad casually about how life is going or anything of the sort; it's more so like "I need to go there for X reason,", "the printer isn't working again,", "I need this for my project,", etc etc.