Thank you, Kathy, Jacq, Sabau, Patty, Pat.

It has been 4 years since the break up. To me that seems a long enough time. It's interesting that you see my brother's act as intentionally hurtful -- if not intentional, certainly passive-aggressive.

I would rather not believe that I have to see my X as worthless and not worth my grieving. It is true that he did a mean thing; he obviously was holding back venom for years, not discussing it, and spewed it all out in hateful words and selfish selfish actions at the end. But 15 years is a long time, and there was a lot there.

This was the first time in my life that I felt unconditionally loved -- except until the end -- and in that, he did me a great healing favor.

He can be a kind person, and I believe he created a false concept of me as hateful, because that was the only way he could free himself to be in the new relationship. If he allowed himself to be compassionate, as he so often is, he would not have been able to do.

I believe he pays for this inwardly, however he may deny it. For years, he expressed the greatest scorn and contempt for Newt Gringrich who brought a divorce contract to wife 2 to sign while she was in the hospital for cancer treatment.

But Paul left me five weeks after I lost my job and was diagnosed with chronic, incurable illness. When he started spewing his venom, I let him know that I considered him "the poor man's Newt Gingrich." His own back went out -- a sign of stress if I ever heard one, having had a lifetime of severe back pain.

He hurt me, and I hurt back. A nasty scenario, so typical of many partings. He may have his new loving life, but it is very hard not to face those inconsistencies in our values during the long, dark nights of the soul which all feeling people have. And there is a core of compassion and decency in him. I'm not saying he thinks about it and regrets on a daily basis, but I do think people who live in denial pay for it at some level.