Forgiveness? Universe is laughing at me

This morning, I was really missing the man who abandoned me after 15 years together. I wrote about how I had forgiven him, and I just wished I knew how he was doing.

Apparently, the Universe got a good chuckle out of that! I started checking my email, and there was a Happy 4th of July animation from my brother. I hardly ever am in contact with my brother, because he says mean, disapproving things to me about my depression, my emotions, etc.

The address line included several email addresses in addition to mine, including that of my X. His email address is now Paulsiedwooch, a nickname only his new female girlfriend would come up with. My stomach immediately started to churn. I could feel the hurt.

I emailed my bro and asked him to put my email address in the BCC line where it can’t be seen, and said I don’t particularly like seeing the X's pet name from his new girlfriend.

I find it painful to be faced with the contrast between how my X immediately stepped into a new loving life and the years of loneliness, poverty, and depression I’ve endured. He had everything all set up so he could just step into a whole new life, and he just walked out on his old one, leaving me with financial responsibilities, a garage full of his crap to get rid, and a heart so broken, I could hardly get off the floor.

Is it possible to forgive and still experience the pain. Or was my fantasy of forgiveness immediately unveiled as a sham, almost in an instant. Interesting how that one got thrown back at me.

And now my bro is sure to write something sarcastic back to me, about how I have to let go of the past, blah, blah, blah, self-righteous arrogant know-it-all.

Your first sentence tells me you haven't forgiven him yet. I can't really blame you. It was a rotten thing for him to do, and I can imagine it would be very painful to have his new relationship rubbed into your face like that.

My sister's husband did that to her after 24 years of what we all thought was a great marriage. She seems to be handling it well. Me? I'd still like to kick his ***** for doing that to her.

It looks to me like you're in the acceptance stage - doesn't mean you have to like it. It takes time to forgive. You'll know you've forgiven him when you stop missing him. You'll know you've forgiven him when you look back and see what he did to you made you a stronger and more complete woman.

My heart goes out to you. Break out of that coccoon girl - he ain't worth it.

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((((((((((((Wants))))))))))))

Forgivness in itself can be a hard enough thing in itself let alone forgiving as well as letting go of the pain. Yes some time may have passed since you two were together, but it takes a different amount of time for everyone to heal. For some it could take a couple months, for others, a couple of years. Try not to be too hard on yourself, it would sure bother me if i saw my X's email in the same email of mine, as im sure it would other people as well.

Greiving is a process, no matter what shape or form. You will get through this, and you have us here to help you along the way.

((((((((hugs)))))))
Jacq

Dear Wants!
I can so identify with the process you have been/and are going thru, and I'm sure others here do as well.
May I ask, how long has it been since the breakup? As someone else just said, it takes each of us different amounts of time to heal.
Thinking of you.
Love
Patty

The universe isn't laughing at you. Those are old tapes playing in your head, more than your heart.

So, I'd just block my brother's e.mail address, if you're feeling that hurt....or delete when you hear from him. There's no reason for you to take that kind of abuse from him. Trust me, he knew he was hurting you. I don't see why you're blaming yourself in this scenario. Bro instigated it.....

I hope you can get past this stumbling block, with little bitterness, and move on. They are not thinking about us or our pain. No way, no how......

You have proved that you are a very strong woman and to give over your control to this isn't a very good idea.

Think of it this way......if you use drugs and you quit and start back up....you're at the same place you were when you quit....if you can work your way away from all of this and not go back.......you're FREE........does that make any sense a'tall??????? love you, pat


Forgive and forget? I think I have forgiven everything he did to me because I learned that he is a very sick individual....but I'll never forgive how he has treated my daughters since the divorce. They were 5 and 7 and the boys were 7 and 9 when we married.Married 16 years.

I'm in contact with the boys and he has seen the girls once in 17 years. And it has broken their hearts, as they felt he was their FATHER. He told them he was....their dad is a JERK.

Thank you, Kathy, Jacq, Sabau, Patty, Pat.

It has been 4 years since the break up. To me that seems a long enough time. It's interesting that you see my brother's act as intentionally hurtful -- if not intentional, certainly passive-aggressive.

I would rather not believe that I have to see my X as worthless and not worth my grieving. It is true that he did a mean thing; he obviously was holding back venom for years, not discussing it, and spewed it all out in hateful words and selfish selfish actions at the end. But 15 years is a long time, and there was a lot there.

This was the first time in my life that I felt unconditionally loved -- except until the end -- and in that, he did me a great healing favor.

He can be a kind person, and I believe he created a false concept of me as hateful, because that was the only way he could free himself to be in the new relationship. If he allowed himself to be compassionate, as he so often is, he would not have been able to do.

I believe he pays for this inwardly, however he may deny it. For years, he expressed the greatest scorn and contempt for Newt Gringrich who brought a divorce contract to wife 2 to sign while she was in the hospital for cancer treatment.

But Paul left me five weeks after I lost my job and was diagnosed with chronic, incurable illness. When he started spewing his venom, I let him know that I considered him "the poor man's Newt Gingrich." His own back went out -- a sign of stress if I ever heard one, having had a lifetime of severe back pain.

He hurt me, and I hurt back. A nasty scenario, so typical of many partings. He may have his new loving life, but it is very hard not to face those inconsistencies in our values during the long, dark nights of the soul which all feeling people have. And there is a core of compassion and decency in him. I'm not saying he thinks about it and regrets on a daily basis, but I do think people who live in denial pay for it at some level.

I also want to thank everyone for allowing me to feel that my feelings and response to my brother's email are legitimate and not nutty.

I appeciate your support very much.

Fifteen years of life together is a long time, and four years working on healing and recovery is really not so long, when you describe how it evolved. You have been very wise to give yourself this time, rather than jumping into another relationship, as many people to just to distract themselves from their inner pain. I think you're a smart, strong woman and a role model for all of us!
Love
Patty

Thank you, Patty.

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