It's frustrating. I can't find any good resource anywhere. Mostly everyone expects that if you are overweight, you want to lose weight and you need to figure out how. Rarely the "why" is discussed at all. The only other voice is fat activists, who are far too gone to the other side and are equally unhelpful.

I feel that I have legitimate and personal reasons to do both. I'm balancing around the BMI 30 mark, I'm completely healthy, my fitness level is about average, better than that if I'm not overheating...

I like being the weight I am now because it makes me so variable. One day I can wear a beautiful, colourful outfit and be a center of attention - this is considered brave and unusual due to my figure. I like that. The other day I can wear black and grey and blend into the background of the resigned crowd. And then I can get a bulky vest and not be afraid to walk alone at night. I love that when I attend a festival or something and dance - I love to dance - women come to me and admire the way I'm not afraid and I have a chance to encourage them to join me, often they do. The same happens to me when I go swimming, I love playing in water. I love to see and hear others get inspired by my example. I'm something a bit different and I like that. Also the fat makes me feel safe.

But if I were thinner (I never was, at least after I was 7) it would just be more practical. I'd have less problems with warm weather, wouldn't overheat as much. Also I could do more, walk further, run faster. I could wear some clothes that don't look good on me now. I wouldn't have to worry on work interviews if my weight makes me look less proffesional (according to studies it does). I wouldn't be challenging anyone's perspective just by existing and doing things that come naturally to me. If I started my clothes company, as I plan right after I save enough money, I could easily model my own products in the beginning, which would make things significantly easier (again, studies show that even plus size clothing sells less if it's modelled by a plus size girl, and this project is too small to try to challenge this)

I wholeheartedly hate the pressure society places on being thin. When I lose weight, I feel like I'm giving in, literally giving a part of myself up to be more acceptable. And this is what happens regardless of the true motivation. I hate that!

On the other hand, I gained my weight as a defense in a traumatic environment. Regardless of the function it has in my life now, it ties me to that time of my life and I would like nothing better than to cut the ties. I somehow feel I didn't really put the past behind me as long as I'm overweight.

I don't know. It's maddening. I feel like I can't win. Which is a sign that I need a change of perspective. What are your views on all this?