Lonely, i feel for your situation and you. i was like that for years, especially when i was younger at ages 20-28. i am 54 yrs old now, i'm sorry i'm probably an old lady to you, but i can tell you some things to help yourself, because of my similar situation. i felt the exact same way, but i was also drinking heavily, and was trying cocaine a few times, which i almost died from the first time i tried it. I was putting on a face that i was happy all the time, but sometimes i really was happy, so it was hard for people to tell if i was or not. when not happy, i hated myself and the behaviors i was doing. I was put on the pshyc ward by my father and mother thank God, i'd be dead today if not. i was diagnosed with several things and one of them was depression. it almost killed me. medications helped but not until i tried over at least 10 differrent kinds over the years, then, i was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and got on a med now for 5 years which i believe changed my whole life. it is clozapine. i was psychotic a one point too. well i am doing very well now compared to my past. i just thought you might want to hear my story if it could help you.good luck