What's going on with me?? Help please

I don't have anyone really who I can tell exactly how I feel and I would like to write a few of my feelings down here and see if someone would be able advise me on what's going on with me.

I am a 21yr old known as the loud, bubbly, fun one. However inside I don't feel like any of these things. I struggle so much to be alone. When I am alone i cry, I lose all energy, motivation, I think how pointless and worthless I am, I SH or think about SH, I eat so much to the point I feel ill or I'll eat nothing, I lay about getting annoyed at myself for doing nothing but do nothing about it, I go over all the reasons why I hate myself and why I am not worthy. I feel like I am wasting my life away and I have no reason to get up in the morning. Sometimes I feel so so angry for no reason. Everyone annoys me, even if they have done nothing wrong I will find a reason they have annoyed me. I am filled with so much self hate and negative thoughts. Being on my own terrifies me. I don't know why but I hate it so much. It scares me.

When I am around people I feel like I've put a mask on and I am acting. Sometimes I like it because I leave behind that part of my mind that controls me, and I try be happy for a minute but it takes over again and reminds me I don't deserve to be happy. I try make out everything as a joke to my friends but somethings, even the really small things, they upset me so much. My mood can be totally fine, but one tiny thing can tip it just a tiny and I automatically feel depressed again. I try and hide my bad feelings because I feel worse about making those around me feel ****. Sometimes the pretending is good and it feels real, those times are when it hurts even more when I sink back into my state of worthlessness and self hate.

A couple of months ago I was having a rough time. I was drinking everyday, a lot, and people were calling me an alcoholic which I am not but it upset me. I was SH. I got so angry one time I ended up being arrested for assault and spent the night in jail. Something about it made me feel okay. I felt like ibwas being punished and I deserve that, I'm horrible.

I think about how much i hate myself so much. I am not suicidal. I do want to SH though, so much. Once I ended up in hospital and I feel so low about myself sometimes that I want to be back there. I don't think I can wear this mask anymore. I never feel myself. I always feel confused or like a fake. I hate my mind, my body, my situation I'm in in my life. I want to run away but I can't run from myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting about for death.. There is no point in me being here.. I serve no purpose.

I am sick of feeling like this and feeling like a joke. What's up with me? Am I depressed? Or something more? Or am I just being a dramatic child who needs to get over themselves?

Any advise or ideas here would be really appreciated.

Lonely, i feel for your situation and you. i was like that for years, especially when i was younger at ages 20-28. i am 54 yrs old now, i'm sorry i'm probably an old lady to you, but i can tell you some things to help yourself, because of my similar situation. i felt the exact same way, but i was also drinking heavily, and was trying cocaine a few times, which i almost died from the first time i tried it. I was putting on a face that i was happy all the time, but sometimes i really was happy, so it was hard for people to tell if i was or not. when not happy, i hated myself and the behaviors i was doing. I was put on the pshyc ward by my father and mother thank God, i'd be dead today if not. i was diagnosed with several things and one of them was depression. it almost killed me. medications helped but not until i tried over at least 10 differrent kinds over the years, then, i was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and got on a med now for 5 years which i believe changed my whole life. it is clozapine. i was psychotic a one point too. well i am doing very well now compared to my past. i just thought you might want to hear my story if it could help you.good luck

Hey Lonely - as a fellow "loud, bubbly, fun one" I totally get what you're saying. And I have been there. Trust me. But you are only 21 - you have SO many great times ahead of you. This is just a lame-*** hiccup. Who cares about any expectations to be the life of the party and the fun one. Who cares what people think? YOU gotta take care of YOU right now. Maybe there's just some muck deep down you gotta look into, and nip this in the bud. Maybe a little therapy and some good medication to get you back on track? I found that taking the first step and talking to somebody about it made me feel SO much better. It was the first NICE thing I had done for myself, ever. It's like instant gratification. Next thing you know, you're kinder to yourself, you're not boozing as much, you're not SH and you're not on edge with little annoyances.....Be good to yourself. I can tell just by reading what you're saying that you are smart and eloquent and self aware. I wish I could be 21 again and be nicer to myself.....Big hugs to you!