((((((silentlyscreaming))))))
((((((pat)))))))

I guess people "mellow" out as they get older and tend to forget or push away the not so nice stuff in their past. And I am not trying to paint him as being some kind of monster. He does have a good side to him too. But then again, he was a monster years ago. So he has changed! So I still hurt! So he wants or tries to be a better person! Maybe if he just once would say he was sorry. That will never happen because he doesn't feel he ever mistreated me.

The marriage was sooo confusing. In private he would degrade me, reject me, threaten me, deprive me. In public he would always put his arm around me. I guess the guys were "lady watching" at the gas station. And after work, I came strolling in the gas station, hearing one of the customers comment, 'now that is one good looking woman' and the x jumped in and said that is my wife. The way he treated me is as tho he didn't want me, but yet when someone else was interested in me, he'd claim me as his.

He'd mock me, laugh at me, even get angry at me for putting up a Christmas tree. I was so upset that year from the things he said that I just took down the tree. I later went to get gas only to discover he had this beautiful Christmas tree, decorated to the hilt, in the front of the big glass window of the station.

The thing is, during the times he made me believe we were so broke and it was all a lie. I believed him. I have to keep reminding myself, this is today, not yesterday. I hate it when I visit yesterday. All it gives me is stomach cramps... I have got to stop doing this....