Did he forget "who" he was talking to??

I was talking to the x husband earlier today and somehow we got on the topic of religion. He said he was reading a book on Islam and that Islam taught that husbands could hit their wives. He said he could not believe that men would hit their wives and that it was wrong to hit or hurt anyone physically. He did not even blink an eye as he was talking. All I did was listen and made no comments and did not remind him of what he did to me for fear he would flip out.

I did not remind him of the "death grip" he had around my throat, or the three other times I called the police on him. Or how he controlled the money and how his son went many a times without diapers because I had to wait till he bought them. And the time when the x's brother was tucking in our son's shirt (son was 4 at the time) and in surprise asked why he was not wearing any under pants. I said he did not have any. He handed me $100 and told me to go get him some. The x did not even say one word. I know, these r just small things, but u see, hundreds of small things add up. The things i mention are just a tip off the ice berg, however that expression goes. ok off topic again.

Anyway, the x acted oooo so innocent. Like he would never harm anyone, let alone hit a woman. I guess what he said still bothers me. 4am, my stomach is burning and I can't sleep. I feel, i don't even know how i feel. maybe needing a reality check. Maybe his dreams will haunt him, the many times he "hurt" me. Maybe I will wake up to find it all was a dream.

oo to any who r muslim or have studied islam, please do not bite me, for i am not the one that made the comment. the x husband, who happened to be raised in a muslim country, said it. if u want to debate it, debate it with him. i do not debate religions.. ty

(((((radio)))))

It's unreal he could say that to you when he knows damn well the pain he's caused you. Soooo insensitive.
It sounds like he was trying to justify his behaviour.
You're so much better off without him. Good on you for getting out of such a damaging relationship.

i am so sorry that you go through this. my first husband was like that with money and hit me twice. i hope you're seeing a T........PM me if you need to.......xoxoxo pat

((((((silentlyscreaming))))))
((((((pat)))))))

I guess people "mellow" out as they get older and tend to forget or push away the not so nice stuff in their past. And I am not trying to paint him as being some kind of monster. He does have a good side to him too. But then again, he was a monster years ago. So he has changed! So I still hurt! So he wants or tries to be a better person! Maybe if he just once would say he was sorry. That will never happen because he doesn't feel he ever mistreated me.

The marriage was sooo confusing. In private he would degrade me, reject me, threaten me, deprive me. In public he would always put his arm around me. I guess the guys were "lady watching" at the gas station. And after work, I came strolling in the gas station, hearing one of the customers comment, 'now that is one good looking woman' and the x jumped in and said that is my wife. The way he treated me is as tho he didn't want me, but yet when someone else was interested in me, he'd claim me as his.

He'd mock me, laugh at me, even get angry at me for putting up a Christmas tree. I was so upset that year from the things he said that I just took down the tree. I later went to get gas only to discover he had this beautiful Christmas tree, decorated to the hilt, in the front of the big glass window of the station.

The thing is, during the times he made me believe we were so broke and it was all a lie. I believed him. I have to keep reminding myself, this is today, not yesterday. I hate it when I visit yesterday. All it gives me is stomach cramps... I have got to stop doing this....

((((((((((rf))))))))) I'm sorry. It baffles me how people who have been so abusive can be in such denial about it, but that always seems to be the case.

I don't blame you for being angry, but I certainly applaud you for surviving it and learning from it. Hope you feel better soon.

Love, Candy

It is amazing how he/we can forget or go into denial about our past lousy selves. Was he drinking when this went on -- I ask bec. wondering if he might have been having alcoholic blackouts.

No. He was not an alcoholic. He seldom if ever had a drink. Customers would always give him gifts of "alcohol" on holidays. The bottles sat on the china cabinet, never opened... And the few times during the marriage, when we did go out, he would only have one drink for the night. Actually we were an alcohol free family. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I developed a taste for "good" red wine. And I only buy three bottles of wine a year. So, the answer is no.. He was not an alcoholic.

wtf? hypocrite.... i hate ppl like that. how can he say that? its not as if u forget. bloody hypocrite.
take care all
self

(((((((((((((( radioflyer )))))))))))))))

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I had similar with my ex (HS sweetheart...just wasn't good from get-go).

Anyhow, I do know what you're feeling and I was livid, confused, triggered. I guess, looking back (I didn't know it then), I was triggered to what I needed some kind of closure on. That he could make statements like that was a flat-out denial of MY existence of ME.

I was married (3-5 years I'd say) with another child (now 20 yrs in marriage) and wrote him a long letter. It helped me. He's still never said the words, "I'm sorry," but when I wrote the letter I literally went back in time and put myself in both our shoes...so young and ignorant to life, illness, etc. It doesn't make the things he did alright, but I knew I'd said what I needed to and he'd heard me. That's what I needed.

My ex changed too. It was confusing to say the least.

I don't know what you might need in this, but I do hope you find it. He'll probably never acknowledge what happened, but I hope you can find what you need without that.

Good luck, hon.

KD

oh my, Kimmydawn, your comment "a flat-out denial of MY existence of ME." struck home. Yes, that is how it makes me feel. I could never put words to it, seems like you just did. Him saying it never happened meant I never existed. So sad, because I did exist and I felt so much pain and sorrow. And it was never acknowledged or validated which made me question my own reality. interesting...

I am not even sure I know what I need, maybe it is just validation. I thought I had forgiven. Guess I haven't forgotten and it still shadows my life like a dark cloud, never knowing when the cloud will burst into violent thunder storms. Is obvious he will never admit or "validate" the pain he caused. I try ooo so hard to move forward, yet I still get drawn back to "those days". "tears"...

Thank you (((((((kimmydawn))))))
((((((((candybear)))))))))
(((((((selfy)))))))
(((((((wantstofly))))))))))

Thank you for understanding and hearing me..

I hear you.

You, and your pain, exist.

(((( gentle hugs ))))

KD

oh my again, this feeling like i never existed also feels the same as when i was a child. i was there and that was about it. never a part of, just took up space, and was everyone's punching bag. could it be my marriage was the same environment i grew up in. u would think i would have known better, if this could be true.. i surely don't want to bring childhood into this, even when those "childish" feelings surface.

ok.. break time for me.......if i am not careful i will walk myself right into the state of frenzy i was in when i bottomed out. although weaving baskets in a padded cell does sound rather soothing at this point...

on a happy note, i am going to take a nap..

For my Ex husband, it was a matter of "definition".
His definition of abuse "hitting a woman with a closed fist" - since he never hit me with a closed fist - there was no abuse in the marriage. And he really truely believed this.

The times he slapped me and slapped me over my ear and broke my ear drum... the choking me against the wall, the times he pushed me down and kicked me... etc
Simply were not "abuse" to him.

To this day, the definition "stands" and if you ever asked him if he had abused a woman - he would say "no, of course not".

radio,

I have came across this type of selective memory before and its bloody irritating. People standing high and mighty preaching when they have done the very same thing they preach against.

No wonder you are angry, i would be furious.

radioflyer, I am so sorry. Your husband is in total denial about himself. My husband is similar, and eschews certain characteristics in others that he himself embodies. He just doesn't see himself as others do, or see his abusive actions for what they are. I think this is very, very common. At least you are divorced and don't have to deal with him as much as before.

Your Christmas tree story touched me. How hurtful. I am so sorry.

I too have felt the "I don't exist" feeling. My therapist asked me once what I most wanted from my husband, and I thought a moment, and then said "for him to acknowledge that I exist." He also suggested that one reason I chose this sort of person for a husband was because it fit similar feelings and behavior patterns from my childhood (true), and my choosing this husband was my effort at last to work out these problems. I am working them out and solving childhood stuff along the way. So yes, I think what you bring up about your childhood is very relevant.

Take care.

Selective forgetfulness. Amazing, isn't it?

RF! I'm really angry that you were subjected to this man's words....The story of no money to get diapers or children's underwear...the Christmas tree, the belittling in private, treating you like a possession in public, not to mention physical abuse. I'm so sorry you had to experience this.
Denial...maybe, but it sounds like stating this bald faced lie to the victim of his behavior (you), he is trying to validate himself. Such people are completely oblivious.
You remained silent, but I can visualize myself having a fit...letting him know exactly who and what he is!
Patty

I don't understand. What did you mean that he is trying to validate himself? thinking real hard here, but still don't understand what he would be trying to validate.

oo u learn to "remain silent" around certain folks.

I guess by "validate," I just mean that by making such outrageous statements to you..his victim, he is not only in denial (maybe...but he KNOWS how he treated you), but puffing himself up to be a "good" man!
Patty

ooo ok..
I understand now...just don't know what to say. getting a loss for words on my own thread...

yup.....mine used to say "well, i can't believe you read THAT". as in some complicated and interesting informative BOOK....... like he was the only smart one in the family.

((((((radioflyer))))))

he sounds like a complete hypocrite, and I'm so sorry that it's bringing up painful memories for you. On the plus side, at least by looking at them you may get a bit closer to some closure for you, since it sounds like you're still haunted by it all, with good reason..