so i am really struggling. a part of parts, who knows, are actively contemplating the end. My ptsd was triggered recently and all we can see is how horrible life is. We arent planning anything, just every thought just sees me as gone. I just spent four days on vacation with my two of my children and grandchild and had a really "fun" time, but in my mind, everything was about the focused on imagining how this was going to be how last time together and how they dont even know it. How much we wanted to give them good memories of me. I lost my pandora bracelet somewhere, one i built of memories of my children and that seemed to emphasize that this was over. I am tired of all these thoughts overtaking my mind. I had already cancelled my appt with t on monday because i have to work, but i am afraid to talk to her about what is going on. i put in a request for antidepressants. it is not like i have been making plans. but i am afraid of where i am at. all those weird and wacky things bipolar people do when they lose it, like britney, anne heche......i was having all kinds of weird thoughts all week. of just doing all this off the wall crap, like going and shoplifting a bunch of minipeople from the legoland store, doing outrageous against the rules things on rides, walking out into the ocean to the sunset.....i didnt, but the obsessive thoughts to do so were there. would t lock me up if i were to tell her all this? i know she was kind of freaking out at our last session.