Originally Posted by LostOne369

We are so confused

LOL, I came on this thread to say exactly the same thing!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi. Woke up today to my husband and a wet sleeve full of drool! (My own lol). Was very happy then very confused. Thought he was leaving for work, but he said no he just got there and had to go now... He gave me my phone and put my ring on my finger and started apologizing??? It was an increasingly weird way to wake up! Then he explained that he got frustrated and yelled and took my stuff and stormed off late last night... me: blank stare. Him: I know you don't remember, but it's my fault. I'm sorry it's hard to believe but I know it's real. Me: *sigh. Who was I?... and do I even want to know? Him: I have to go I will call later and explain. It wasn't who you fear. Me: Thanx for loving me. Rest of the day was pretty good as far as I know I am not missing any time! I call that a good day

[LostOne369]

Originally Posted by Justagir1

LOL, I came on this thread to say exactly the same thing!

At least we are not alone - hugs back at you!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I feel confused everyday. Sometimes I think I know then I dont. Things can seem like nothing is moving then it's like someone hit the skip button on the movie and I missed half of it. Going back and forth between thinking everything is fine then lost confused and trying to catch up! It's exhasting to the point that I sometimes don't even want to know. When lost time is brought up I sometimes I wish that my husband would just say no you're not missing time you just fell a sleep... but rarely does everyone sleep at the same time. *sigh. It's 835 pm now where I am. Last time I remember it was about 4pm. I don't really know how 4 hrs went by un noticed but, I'm exhasted.

[AlbertaBeefy]

Hi - I'm new here. Thought I'd add my voice to the check-in.

Not doing great today. I think there's lots of anxiety re: an upcoming birthday...

[Claritytoo]

Started a new job last week. Doing good so far but having some trouble with the thought of having to leave the house. I push through it and make sure I leave for work early so I don't have too much time in the morning to dwell. I can use the money and working has kind of given us structure again. For some of us that is good but I think for others is sort of stifles them. We keep thinking we need to move. I am not certain if it is to help my son or run away from stress related to working and paying bills. I just need to slow down and take it a day at a time. I also have been thinking that maybe we won't be DID for a while. Like just going back to how we were before we knew. I don't know if that is possible or even a good idea. I am a little uneasy working on my stuff without a t for support. But finding a t who works with DID is not easy. I have thought about just going to a t and not telling them about the diagnosis but than what would we talk about. And who would go to session. Than I start to over think everything and I end up avoiding and doing nothing. I think I will go to bed now.

[kaliope]

so i am really struggling. a part of parts, who knows, are actively contemplating the end. My ptsd was triggered recently and all we can see is how horrible life is. We arent planning anything, just every thought just sees me as gone. I just spent four days on vacation with my two of my children and grandchild and had a really "fun" time, but in my mind, everything was about the focused on imagining how this was going to be how last time together and how they dont even know it. How much we wanted to give them good memories of me. I lost my pandora bracelet somewhere, one i built of memories of my children and that seemed to emphasize that this was over. I am tired of all these thoughts overtaking my mind. I had already cancelled my appt with t on monday because i have to work, but i am afraid to talk to her about what is going on. i put in a request for antidepressants. it is not like i have been making plans. but i am afraid of where i am at. all those weird and wacky things bipolar people do when they lose it, like britney, anne heche......i was having all kinds of weird thoughts all week. of just doing all this off the wall crap, like going and shoplifting a bunch of minipeople from the legoland store, doing outrageous against the rules things on rides, walking out into the ocean to the sunset.....i didnt, but the obsessive thoughts to do so were there. would t lock me up if i were to tell her all this? i know she was kind of freaking out at our last session.

Anti d does wonders for depression...especially if you daily live in the depression zone...and if anyone's on here...maybe? It's helped us tons unless a severely depressed part presents.

[Ellahmae]

I hate being overwhelmed out if nowhere with everyone's emotions. It's so tough and confusing. I just want to have one day where I'm okay or where I actually can understand why I feel the way I do. Or have words to put with the abstract unexplainable. So tired. I just want to be done.

[Ellahmae]

Don't remember writing that. Joy.

[AlbertaBeefy]

I feel a sense of impending doom ... I turn 50 years old in 3 hours, and it's absolutely freaking me out for some reason.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by kaliope

so i am really struggling. a part of parts, who knows, are actively contemplating the end. My ptsd was triggered recently and all we can see is how horrible life is. We arent planning anything, just every thought just sees me as gone. I just spent four days on vacation with my two of my children and grandchild and had a really "fun" time, but in my mind, everything was about the focused on imagining how this was going to be how last time together and how they dont even know it. How much we wanted to give them good memories of me. I lost my pandora bracelet somewhere, one i built of memories of my children and that seemed to emphasize that this was over. I am tired of all these thoughts overtaking my mind. I had already cancelled my appt with t on monday because i have to work, but i am afraid to talk to her about what is going on. i put in a request for antidepressants. it is not like i have been making plans. but i am afraid of where i am at. all those weird and wacky things bipolar people do when they lose it, like britney, anne heche......i was having all kinds of weird thoughts all week. of just doing all this off the wall crap, like going and shoplifting a bunch of minipeople from the legoland store, doing outrageous against the rules things on rides, walking out into the ocean to the sunset.....i didnt, but the obsessive thoughts to do so were there. would t lock me up if i were to tell her all this? i know she was kind of freaking out at our last session.

You sound depressed. I think talking to your t about all these thoughts would be a good thing. There was a time when I was very depressed and thought of leaving but I didn't. And I have had an entire life since than. I am glad I stayed. And if I had those thoughts now at this point in my life I would talk to a therapist because I know the deep depression will pass, just like it did decades ago. I hope you start to feel better. It sounds like you have people around you who love you.

Originally Posted by AlbertaBeefy

I feel a sense of impending doom ... I turn 50 years old in 3 hours, and it's absolutely freaking me out for some reason.

Happy Birthday!

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

You sound depressed. I think talking to your t about all these thoughts would be a good thing. There was a time when I was very depressed and thought of leaving but I didn't. And I have had an entire life since than. I am glad I stayed. And if I had those thoughts now at this point in my life I would talk to a therapist because I know the deep depression will pass, just like it did decades ago. I hope you start to feel better. It sounds like you have people around you who love you.

it was once very bad like this and i finally made peace with living. it has been seven years now and we are not any happier in the world. it seems to be a better place, yet i have so much "evidence" that it is not. my support system i have built continually fails me. im afraid if i tell t what i am thinking, she will hospitalize me. i have been working hard at getting healthy, but that just scares everybody inside so bad. we stayed home all weekend and isolated and were at peace. this trying to be part of the world is too difficult for us. just writing about this makes me numb and nauseous and my head spin. i attempt to nurture us as my t tells me to, but it is just so overwhelming. i dont know how i am supposed to go back to work today.

I'm so sorry sweety...I hope you are feeling better. Try getting a little anti d, not a lot but enough to lift the spirits. It has helped us tremendously...unfortunately it started us cycling hard and switching, so I had to get a stabilizer to stabilize...they call it bipolar.

[kaliope]

my pdoc said if i wanted to go back on the AD to just request a refill. I did that on thursday but i still havent heard anything. i dont think she works on fridays. i hope she does it. i dont have an appt till the end of oct.

[AlbertaBeefy]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Happy Birthday!

Thank you for the kind wishes.

Yesterday was REALLY tough. Mostly I was panicky and withdrawn. Also didn't sleep much Saturday night and had no sleep Sunday. I ended up calling in sick to work (which, on your birthday looks ... BAD) because it was too much to take.

Things got a little better after the wife came home - she's pretty good at grounding me. After a while we got out for a late dinner (very late, nearly 10pm before I was up to it), then came home.

It's been a frustrating day. Things disappeared from work that I knew I packed....ran in circles...find my missing stuff at home??? Had a client prematurely cancel a project worth a thousand in a week to me....grit teeth, take a drink, get ready for tomorrow.

I feel sick today...ever try to get drunk but can't? I drank till the body couldn't take no more trying to get my head to shut down, but my mind wouldn't come out of hyper activity.

I hate myself for it.

[kaliope]

finally got my antidepressant. apparently my pdoc thought the pharmacy sent a random request so she didnt do anything about it since my last appt we had decided i wasnt taking it anymore. grrrr......i guess i should have called her to refill it instead of the pharmacy.

i am wondering.....does anybody else feel there is a differentiation between being suicidal and wanting to die? i have been in this place of feeling done and it being over and not worth it anymore. my trip to my son's i felt that it was going to be the last time family was together and the memories made had to count. i was consumed with these thoughts. the devastation they would all feel when i was gone. them not knowing this was going to be the last time they saw me. BUT, i am not making any plans to off myself at all. how my others are involved in this i dont know but i know at least two of them are highly involved in the thought process. t keeps saying i am suicidal, but i disagree as i am not actively planning anything to my conscious knowledge, just consumed with being gone. does anybody else see a difference?

Originally Posted by kaliope

finally got my antidepressant. apparently my pdoc thought the pharmacy sent a random request so she didnt do anything about it since my last appt we had decided i wasnt taking it anymore. grrrr......i guess i should have called her to refill it instead of the pharmacy.

i am wondering.....does anybody else feel there is a differentiation between being suicidal and wanting to die? i have been in this place of feeling done and it being over and not worth it anymore. my trip to my son's i felt that it was going to be the last time family was together and the memories made had to count. i was consumed with these thoughts. the devastation they would all feel when i was gone. them not knowing this was going to be the last time they saw me. BUT, i am not making any plans to off myself at all. how my others are involved in this i dont know but i know at least two of them are highly involved in the thought process. t keeps saying i am suicidal, but i disagree as i am not actively planning anything to my conscious knowledge, just consumed with being gone. does anybody else see a difference?

I can want to die all life long and do nothing about it...but being suicidal is more like I wanna die right now, SH happens, risky behavior, attempts, close calls, urges,...

What I've learned is to take care of the physical reasons to being depressed, then deal with the mental reasons. Being bipolar I get that. After I got my BD under control, I can see where my depressed others come out and make themselves known. I hope that you get to feeling better.

I had tooooo much grape juice last night. Lesson learned.

[kaliope]

my t really wants to start talking and getting to know my others. i really dont want to go there.

[Kiya]

Well... you may not have an active plan to sui, but it sounds like you are actively shutting down your life - like thinking 'these are the last moments with my son' and so forth. That is a big red flag. It is sui thinking. It is getting ready to put your life aside, even if you don't know how or you are not wanting to be the one to do it... it opens things up for 'accidents', as it were.
Please be safe and keep talking about this with your t!

Originally Posted by kaliope

finally got my antidepressant. apparently my pdoc thought the pharmacy sent a random request so she didnt do anything about it since my last appt we had decided i wasnt taking it anymore. grrrr......i guess i should have called her to refill it instead of the pharmacy.

i am wondering.....does anybody else feel there is a differentiation between being suicidal and wanting to die? i have been in this place of feeling done and it being over and not worth it anymore. my trip to my son's i felt that it was going to be the last time family was together and the memories made had to count. i was consumed with these thoughts. the devastation they would all feel when i was gone. them not knowing this was going to be the last time they saw me. BUT, i am not making any plans to off myself at all. how my others are involved in this i dont know but i know at least two of them are highly involved in the thought process. t keeps saying i am suicidal, but i disagree as i am not actively planning anything to my conscious knowledge, just consumed with being gone. does anybody else see a difference?

[Kiya]

back in and out of psych ER last night for SI.... considering things, I'm surprised they let me out after 5 hours. On my discharge it lists "Primary: Mood Disorder". Grrr. DID is NOT a mood disorder. Or even a personality disorder. LEARN, PEOPLE!!!! lol