Okay. Now obviously I'm going to sound crazy for saying all of this but I'd just like to get it all out there.

I was a chronic marijuana smoker for a good 8 or 9 months. I recently had the hugest panic attack I ever thought could ever happen while high and I thought I was going to die. I started making myself throwing up because I thought I ate bad food and I felt like I was going to throw up and have diarrhea. No one except my brother knows what I mean when I say I knew I was sick, but I knew it. I get this 6th sense when I'm high. I can read peoples' emotions and weird **** always happens when I'm high. It's fun and good except this instance.

Alright, so for about 4 days after this happened I was thinking I was sick. And I was having panic attacks on and off. Some bad and some not too bad. I stopped smoking weed for obvious reasons. And since that episode, I've been feeling a lump in my throat every night either when I lay down or after I eat fried foods. It doesn't feel pleasant. Bearable, but quite unpleasant. I read up on acid reflux but 1. It doesn't make sense for me to all of the sudden get acid reflux and 2. I don't get heartburn or taste acid in my mouth or any of the other symptoms.

Now, I know this has nothing to do with my unhealthy psyche. I'm getting there. For the past couple years, I've had this feeling I'm not going to make it past 19 years old. Like I'm going to die or not complete my life. And it scares me a lot. I don't talk with it to anyone because my parents have always put off my depression or anxiety or any problems I bring to them. I haven't seen a therapist because I will not take pills. Also, I have a fear of a therapist sending me to a nut house when they hear all the **** going on in my head.

This fear of inevitable death at a young age has gotten worse. A lot worse. I don't want to die as a statistic. No one believes me, but I think I might be sick and the weed gave me the sixth sense that I was going to die and now, since my dad won't take me to the doctor, I'm going to eventually just die.

I have lots of issues...lots...I opened up to one of my closest friends a couple months ago and confessed I have lots of dreams of being raped/molested or raping, and I have no control in the dreams. It's like I'm watching myself without control over my body. My friend said I was probably molested and I pushed it out of my head, but I don't like thinking about it because it makes me upset.

I've just been having a rough time for a while, guys. Any help or anything would be much appreciated.