Hmm... what should I do?

I'm looking at my right arm, it has over 50 small cuts, crimson red, some parts have the color of red grape, 6hrs! 6hrs out of my 8 hrs shift, it was on display, I didn't stop myself to use the toilet on the second floor, nor did I stop myself from going for a smoke. I was doing my job like any other day, helping where I could, and has anyone said a word to me?

I'm feeling my heart's sinking, dragging my mind with it.

I refuse to allow the society's rules that are not thought through to corrupt my mind and soul, I protect myself from the people who use those against me.

Whatever it takes. Abuses of the rules. I need to smoke 'em out tomorrow, not one but several. Normalcy, is not a weapon or a shield that they can hide behind. Please take me personally, and seriously.

I try to realize my responsibility and act accordingly, however it may seem erratic, out of my mind, or irrational, I have good reasons for my decisions, and when I make a mistake, I make up for it.

Am I gonna need a skin graft? Scratch that, I can't afford a hospital visit, I'm not ready to lose the use of my arm yet.

I am what I am out there, a mere response to how they affect my being. This is not about me showing how strong I am, I have nothing to prove to them, let'em talk, let me hear their reasons.

My scars and the pain from today. They are whatever I want them to be. None of which are from the emotion of hate. There may be more to come tomorrow, the day after.

This may sound strange to anyone but I can not hurt myself, I am not capable, there's just no escape from me putting myself out there and you/they force me to respond.

Today's action in response to what someone informed me proves that I was ready, to be honest, I'm a little surprised that this second time, I had almost no hesitation. Got as big as it did.

I don't know how I'm connected to the world, like I always has been, I'm not expecting help from them, they can all ignore me all they want. If they got something to tell me, they just got to do it face to face. I ruined my favorite jacket with blood stains, my arm hurts and will continue to hurt, this much they owe me. They can't deny me the right to be out there, when I think they are blind to the truth. Do not make/force the rules when they clearly do not benefit anyone.

I just want to keep my eyes open, my senses have started to wake up only this year, I got so much more to learn.

4,5 hrs later, I can feel the scars healing, I can tell which ones gonna fade away, and which ones gonna stay with me for months to come. All I can do, keep doing is to know myself further and deeper, ,,,,,,,longer?

I paint my own canvas, just for the moment, the day at the longest. That's how I operate to find beauty in every moment. I try.

To me, nothing that comes through my senses and interpreted in my brain is definable, because they sometimes take a 180 degree turn, my poor brain has to conclude that all I see originates from my brain, sometimes I have to endure its assault, I don't get them often, it's rare.

Well, it is late, and I feel safe 'cos there's nothing to endure. Maybe this is called self recognition? I'm sitting here alone and know that I'm 100% human, just a guy who can't handle his own ****.

Since this is a 'daily' check-in, I might come back or you might find me introducing myself in other parts of this forum, who knows.