[Standup2me]

We went to the mall today. Six hours shopping, and had a nice lunch
I enjoyed it.

[Takeshi]

Possible trigger:

I'm cutting/scratching my forearm with a cutter knife at work. My shirt sleeves rolled up, more than 20 red lines are for anyone to see, none of which are deep enough. I got too much time left till I get home, this is bad enough as is but I'm sure I'll be doing more by the end of the day.

Would anyone care if I make 20,30 more of these cuts by the end of the shift? I bet nobody would. My rather pale skin looks horrible with so many "unknown" cuts, but I'm itching to get more, I'm gonna fill this part of my arm with red crisscrossing lines, these gone hurt for sure when I shower.

I feel no pain mind you, this is for now my sane response to the world that surrounds me. I am calm, (5 more strokes here.), it's looking beautiful. There's not much to worry about me, besides there are some kids about today, it's like s work experience program or something, I can still smile and be nice to them when they come around.

I'll come by later and read/write some more later.

[cogladaid]

I feel the hypo going away I don't want it to go away I don't want something to take the place of this hyper productive mood...

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[GoldenSnitch]

I'm on vacation this week from work. And while it's nice, and I'm enjoying the time I get to spend with my daughter, I'm feeling pretty down today and I'm snapping at everything

[Takeshi]

It's 2 am, I have a tendency to abandon my own thread so I come here and get things off my chest. They won't make sense. Especially tonight.

Tomorrow, actually today in 5, 6 hrs from now if I can sleep this off, I know I can find some positive force before I go back to work. My head's a little overworked and I'm paying a huge price for some lessons that I don't even know yet.

YOUR reality always seems real, I need to believe mine still is too.

For tomorrow, I say to myself:

"Never be too sure of yourself, but believe in something."

Good night.

Possible trigger:

Hmm... what should I do?

I'm looking at my right arm, it has over 50 small cuts, crimson red, some parts have the color of red grape, 6hrs! 6hrs out of my 8 hrs shift, it was on display, I didn't stop myself to use the toilet on the second floor, nor did I stop myself from going for a smoke. I was doing my job like any other day, helping where I could, and has anyone said a word to me?

I'm feeling my heart's sinking, dragging my mind with it.

I refuse to allow the society's rules that are not thought through to corrupt my mind and soul, I protect myself from the people who use those against me.

Whatever it takes. Abuses of the rules. I need to smoke 'em out tomorrow, not one but several. Normalcy, is not a weapon or a shield that they can hide behind. Please take me personally, and seriously.

I try to realize my responsibility and act accordingly, however it may seem erratic, out of my mind, or irrational, I have good reasons for my decisions, and when I make a mistake, I make up for it.

Am I gonna need a skin graft? Scratch that, I can't afford a hospital visit, I'm not ready to lose the use of my arm yet.

I am what I am out there, a mere response to how they affect my being. This is not about me showing how strong I am, I have nothing to prove to them, let'em talk, let me hear their reasons.

My scars and the pain from today. They are whatever I want them to be. None of which are from the emotion of hate. There may be more to come tomorrow, the day after.

This may sound strange to anyone but I can not hurt myself, I am not capable, there's just no escape from me putting myself out there and you/they force me to respond.

Today's action in response to what someone informed me proves that I was ready, to be honest, I'm a little surprised that this second time, I had almost no hesitation. Got as big as it did.

I don't know how I'm connected to the world, like I always has been, I'm not expecting help from them, they can all ignore me all they want. If they got something to tell me, they just got to do it face to face. I ruined my favorite jacket with blood stains, my arm hurts and will continue to hurt, this much they owe me. They can't deny me the right to be out there, when I think they are blind to the truth. Do not make/force the rules when they clearly do not benefit anyone.

I just want to keep my eyes open, my senses have started to wake up only this year, I got so much more to learn.

4,5 hrs later, I can feel the scars healing, I can tell which ones gonna fade away, and which ones gonna stay with me for months to come. All I can do, keep doing is to know myself further and deeper, ,,,,,,,longer?

I paint my own canvas, just for the moment, the day at the longest. That's how I operate to find beauty in every moment. I try.

To me, nothing that comes through my senses and interpreted in my brain is definable, because they sometimes take a 180 degree turn, my poor brain has to conclude that all I see originates from my brain, sometimes I have to endure its assault, I don't get them often, it's rare.

Well, it is late, and I feel safe 'cos there's nothing to endure. Maybe this is called self recognition? I'm sitting here alone and know that I'm 100% human, just a guy who can't handle his own ****.

Since this is a 'daily' check-in, I might come back or you might find me introducing myself in other parts of this forum, who knows.

[gayleggg]

I'm restless with anxiety right now. Shouldn't be things are calm but my insides aren't. Depression is lurking too.

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[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm restless with anxiety right now. Shouldn't be things are calm but my insides aren't. Depression is lurking too.

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Me too. I'm rolling between the two at the moment.

[Nammu]

Not doing so great

[scatterbrained04]

Being a manager has been so draining lately. In a perfect world, people would show up to work, do their job, work as a team, and not whine about s***. Sometimes I feel like I work with children. It's been so bad, I can't wait to get away from everyone and come home and do stuff that I enjoy. Getting MY work done is getting hard. I have people venting to me constantly, and it's really starting to effect my moods and stability.

I wish I had the drive and creativity I had prior to meds so I could write again. I love to sit and dream about making a living as an author.

[Takeshi]

There's an I in TEAM. I'm one man team at work anyways. It is not a health hazard, and I didn't sign any contracts with strict no beard policy. It's just so bad for my mental health, the last time I picked up my own razor and shaved it all off, my mind went slightly off, I got myself injured a bit, and this time, 50 times worse. I am content with myself, love myself, know what to do. At any cost, I will keep my connection to the nature, my manhood, what else they don't like about me? I could strip my clothes off,

Possible trigger:

bleed some more right in front of them

, I'll do whatever it takes, I'mma try to stay who I am,(there's no other way or else I wouldn't be living) where I wanna be. One thing I have to keep in mind is that not to scare people off too much. Maybe it's too late, I'm just teaching myself lessons, I know my own progress, as well as some of the humanities progress. If they want to label me as a kid, being irresponsible and disrespectable or whatever, from my point of view, they are dead wrong.

I'm a man not a child, is it insulting to be called like that?

Normal people's behaviors, I just hope that they are more grown up than I think they are..

[cogladaid]

I don't like this I want my hypo back at least I was happy. I don't want to do anything now.

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[BlackSheep79]

Not very dizzy today, first day in almost a month. I can't wait to be off of Geodon for good. I upped Seroquel last night and slept I think eleven hours. Thank goodness I didn't have to work. Kinda chill today, feels good. Hope everyone that's not doing well feels better soon, thinking of you all.

[Standup2me]

Day three of holidays.
I had a nice lazy day.
It was just what I needed

[Moreta]

I'm sick. This sucks. I think it's a cold.

I had a very positive day getting out and even socializing yesterday but today I am feeling exhausted and am questioning going to my yoga class and hospital visit.

[Hemingway]

Also sick, gotta go to work tomorrow and I don't feel like it. I just wanna stay home with my pets, eat soup, and snuggle in bed...

[gayleggg]

I'm doing okay today even though I'm at the doctors office. Anxiety is fairly low this morning. Depression isn't too bad. So I guess that's good.

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[Takeshi]

Sorry, gotta hide my writing again.

Good news first. I'll definitely get terminated at the place of my employment.

Possible trigger:

So, it's the day 2 of my walking body mutilation exhibition and it was going great, nobody bothered me, I was there at work, the original creation was there, it was a cleaner version 'cos I had a shower this morning.

Just to help you picture this, I wear long sleeve uniform shirt at work, I usually roll up only right arm, because of the tatoo I got done about a month ago. I know it'd be so hard for anyone to understand my mind, some of you may have read about me and my beard and what it means to me.

Some of you might also have a question like, "Are you a diagnosed bipolar?" One answer I could think of is I don't know what that means to me. Off meds since the beginning of this year, been on SJW for a month now, and I didn't know I wasn't supposed to take that, or at least that is internet ppl say about my past diagnosis and the said herb. I was feeling the effect a bit, or not. I just didn't think the recommended dosage on the package wasn't enough so I upped the dosage to about a 1000 mg per day.

Is it a hypo inducer? That is a difficult question to answer. How long, how long have I been like this? I asked myself like an hour ago, and I just have a simple answer to anything right now. I'm okay though, right this very minute. I came home, felt that I was losing balance a bit, got it restored, that didn't even need a will power to have done that. I believed myself and I was managing.

****,,,I'm not stupid, I look at my own reality and I'll be looking at a certain death, by my own choice, it'll end with suicide. I'm excited. There will be so many responses for me to make, For some of you, it's a sin, for me, it's just the end of the road, I stop. I'm still not suicidal, but within couple of months, my bank account's going to be empty, then I'll get suicidal then. I don't know how long I been like that, long enough for me to not remember and it is not quite like me, if you knew me from last year.

I was reading about 48 hrs rapid cycle article, it said something like it was an established fact, at the time I was thinking about the rainy days a few days ago, I was enjoying the air, the water on my face like nobody would, then the next day, I accidentally splashed my face with after shave that had gone off. It smelled horrible like an unwashed public urinal, it ruined the whole day, absolutely EVERYTHING that came through my nose was an assault to my brain, y'know sometimes rain brings out the foul odor of your home, my old apartment becomes a nightmare because of the smell from plumbing and this old carpet. I could barely breathe that night.

Even though I live alone, I work, I had to teach this young kid who was doing the shift before me, it took me a whole month and lots of sacrifices on my private time to make him do what I normally do, it was a mess. I couldn't sleep thinking about the amount of work he always left for me to do, all I could think back then was if I were to have been doing the morning and the rest of the shift together, most of the ****'s get done before noon, any idiots with arms and legs could've done and he wasn't doing it.

My job, that I thought I was protecting for my life, I'm gonna have to say good bye to that soon. Let me make a little confession here. I worked there for a little over 2 yrs, everybody manages there alone, so it suited me. I built something there metaphorically speaking, I did a very bad thing, I almost physically threatened the kid, I asked him repeatedly that he was pushing too much, I explained everything why I felt that him starting to work there and not doing enough was affecting me and my personal life, on top of him not doing what he was supposed to do.

And I knew from experiences that not a smart/sharp person can be talked to, you ask them the same thing like 4,5 times and they say yes, and where all the time and what I told him went? People snap when they are pushed too much and reach his/her limits, I didn't wanna self explode like others before me so I let him know twice before I locked a room with a stick in my hand and showed him some demonstrations. I know I could get arrested for that.

It was the same thing for me, it was either lose my mind or lose my employment and my life ends. Also I didn't think it was fair for him to do a grave yard shift and then come to work/learn at a place of my employment, he looks like early twenties, but on many occasions, his head was sleeping and I'm not a hypnotist. People simply don't function 14,5 hrs a day straight.

I made up with him in the end though, he started to take me serious the next day and the after, if I didn't care for him to man up, I wouldn't have done what I did. This guy just didn't tell me what he was thinking, so once I told him that I didn't know what you were, are you really a human? O, boy, my meaness might've been a bit much. He got a lot tougher than when we first met, whatever. He could punch me in the stomach once, I owe him that much if he still hate me, I did followed up on my bad behavior towards him as much as I could, we were cool the last time I saw him.

Yeah, this new guy I trained, he started to do his own share, thought my work stress/extra obligation was over for now, then he was taken to some place else.

I'm done there anyways, old guy, new guy, it doesn't matter. Remember what I been doing at work past 2 days? My boss's gonna explode on me, or what? This is another stresses that I'm looking tomorrow. I decided that I am not quiting, so he has to fire me. Today, he sent me a piece of paper stating new rules, rules of conduct and dress codes, etc. He wanted me to sign it, many others have done it already and I looked at the list, many of them are obviously meant for me, some for the other's bad behaviors, what I think mines are like "Don't chew gum", No sunglasses(Is it ,,,I don't quite get this part of the list, yes I do wear a pair to work, maybe once, I was taking a break outside, ppl talk ****'s all I guess), and of course the facial hair.

I just wanna save me/him the trouble of this ridiculousness, he just don't know me, my guess is that to his eyes, I'm just a child, a mental case, and he could be right. I don't know him, don't wanna know him, I don't care how he operates or his world operates, normies' world are predictable sometimes, the understanding always seems to be one way street though.

My hair style, my beards, the way I talk, what else they got problem with me? I have certain respect to that place, a work place, I won't give you the details but in my mind, those should be enough. I work on myself, I can, to be with the normal, and it's coming to a halt now.

So what they see, actually see on the surface when they see me are my beards and my scars on inside of my right arm. I had no colored lenses in my eyes today, the second day. I was even ready to welcome the person's response with all the human warmth/kindness and give him/her a few words, to stay the beautiful person they are. Meh.

I counted my scars today and it was more than 50, like 60 and after reading the bad behavior list, reread it, and I cut while I read what applied to me. I thought I was gonna be pain free today but the life just threw me the curve ball. I gave myself 10,20 total, all shallow scars, crusty bits are still stuck to my skin.

Thought I was gonna wash my blood stained jacket today!

I'll go see how I fare in SI forum in upcoming days, even I don't blend in there, I know I'm out of place talking what I'm talking here.

IRL, I wonder, am I the only human around here? I get that, even ppl here say that others are concerned about themselves, don't worry about yourself so much. I seen others say that they can all talk only with MI folks, I've never encountered one and I wasn't like expecting that the people that passed me by today knew someone that knew someone who SH. A decent human response. I'm just an observer and arrr,,I can count myself as a participant, can't I?

Does it look like a skin rash from few feet away? Don't know what they saw or didn't see. This young co-worker of mine, who brought me the list for me to sign, I sensed that he sensed something. That's the only noticeable reaction so far, often times, I had to roll my eyes for what they looked to me.

It won't earn me a cent for me to live longer, but I am asking questions. Is this simply the case of they are not interested in what I'm interested in? Even outside of my experiment, where are the compassion that we are supposed to have since our childhood? What band them together? Even when I read stuff here, thier husbands, friends and family give the person such a hard time.

I was thinking about this today, after confirming who/what I'm surrounded with, and some of you may know that sometimes I say that I'm a response to that surroundings, at that particular time and space, now my life's longevity is at stake, I have to wonder would I feel better, would I see a way out if I weren't here at this location?

The evil list also told me that I were to remind myself of the company's morality and ethics every single day. I don't know what they are talking about. I suspect that what they(my boss) mean is whatever they deemed to be appropriate, these kinda things are just beyond me, how can one group/team of people act a certain way, they just likes to brand themselves as an ethical entity, group thinking, people's response to them, and my own response to them..

I haven't studied any of those things, I don't know what they are and I don't have a proper response. Especially in a small company like mine, nah, that's you, you wrote it up, nobody really talks to me direct, I don't even get to hear rumors, I've never belonged to any herd, I feel that in any aspect of life.

I'm beginning to know myself, would love to continue to do so. Also, I'm starting to see my place clearly once again, my physical location and the place in fellow humans in my environment don't seem like in favor for me.

um,,sry, my brain's talk is going to scatter even further from here. It is almost my bed time over here.

So, where was my head at? hmm. I'm pathetically insignificant little ****. That's a fact.

On any level, whether it is a personal interaction or anything larger than that, like political stuff or ,,just the world that the human beings are supposedly controlling are...not based on the goodness we have. Man,,words are not coming out any more.

People are too sure of themselves. I just came up with this. At least some part is true, isn't it? Where you see wrong, when you disagree with someone or some things, do you question or is that a waste of time?

I know I can love and hate myself. It got really confusing when I was cutting myself today. Whether I like it or not, some of ugly emotions are going to come back, and they will cloud my judgement, prevent me from clear thinking.

I walk in, people talk and opinions are made, and I'm ****ed. What the **** is that?

It got easier to draw blood today. I am what I am, my belief system is not there, never has been there, all I got is this confused mind, losing fine control minute by minute. I can't be a healer to myself, but a injurer. The beauty once was is sinking into the chaos, and the devil may moan underneath.

It is really quite possible that I am swinging into a higher state - not quite hypomanic but certainly out of depression into a state of ocassional happiness. Tho I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety I have had the urge to get out and do something. My activity pleasure tracker has shown a significant increase in enjoyment of my days - not complete enjoyment but satisfaction and feeling a sense that doing things has become worthwhile again.

[scatterbrained04]

Massively overwhelmed at work. Feel like I'm drowning. Trying to calm myself down before bad stuff happens. Feel hypo in a bad way.

[gayleggg]

Depression has gotten worse this afternoon. Anxiety too. I was hoping for a good day but it didn't last.

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[Standup2me]

Day four of holidays
Noooooooo, only one day left

[Takeshi]

I'm sorry that I'll be writing my story here again.

I'm at work alone with no one to call, nothing to take to calm my nerve down, it's just that it'd be too much for me to start a new thread in self injury. I can't type well on kindle. This is a bit of warning for you readers, I'm helpless and some could say that my mind is racing, well, I'm saying that.

Possible trigger:

So only an hour into the work shift, I started to cut, there's no hate or anything, sometimes you just know what your body wants. I needed to draw blood, 3,4 bigger ones, with no hesitations at all, later I realized I did a bit much, I had to lick it. I'm no scientist but I know the feedback that I'm lacking is because of my body chemicals, in both the brain and the body. My mind is in turmoil and of course it can't give me any physical feedback, but absolutely no pain with this much blood?

This is just weird. There has been no external factor to trigger my behavior today so far, I got hours and hours left on my shift and I know my mind is craving for the visual, if not pain..

I'll try to read, focus on my work, I know I'm still in public eyes so to speak. It's so tucked up but I wanna taste my own blood more.

[Hemingway]

Today I woke up optimistic. And I thought, this is not the end of it. Optimism is not the end of it. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up depressed. And the day will come that I'll wanna die. The day will come I'll crawl out of it. One more day of optimism will come. Some day maybe a great thing will happen. Or something awfully bad. Over and over again.
Then I thought, it's amazing how we can forget this when we're down in the depths of depression. How it seems like life will never feel good again. How we can't see how wrong we are and how we would never believe it if someone told us. How it would feel like they didn't understand of even fathom the darkness we're in.
Bipolar or not, life has its ups and downs. The scale may be different for us but this only means we feel life more intensely.
I have trust in my whims. Perhaps it sucks a lot but out of nowhere, completely unexpectedly a day comes, a sunny day, in our favour. And we feel optimistic.

[scatterbrained04]

Feeling highly motivated to do the things I want to do. However, not motivated at all to do what I have to do. This adult thing is hard.