I just cant stop thinking about SHing, especially cutting, and watching pics, and wanting it so bad... But no small stuff, Big stuff. And its stuck in my head, more and more.

As soon as i felt i was out of the crisis (which to me means feeling like i'm going crazy, out of control and possibly kill myself out of a stronger impulse or just ask for help in the worst way), i felt like i could go back to the lesser evil... Self harm. Kind of to... reward myself for getting the control back, without incidents.

After 10+ years i should be sick of it, have had enough, gotten bored with it, tired of it... Instead no, NO im not ! Yes, I got used to it, have more experience, so i can resist longer, have more control, do it less deep, less often, less long cuts... But its like i keep holding myself back until one day i'll finally decide i can reward myself and do a big mess like i keep seeing it in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY....

I want to do it and i dont want to do it... Tonight I've been up until 3am spending the night looking at pics... I know its better than acting, and thaths why i did it, but also, i feel like i'm just feeding my hunger and i'll soon give in and it will be GOOD but i'm afraid of losing control and make a huge mess. Thats what is keeping me from doing it now. That, and fantasizing, looking pics and writing about it...

I'd like to do that too though... I imagine its satisfaction to last longer... I dont know....

And I dont know whats the point of this post... What i'd want to hear from you... I just had to write it down and "give" it to someone else who can understand... I guess... Sorry... Just another weight out of me and my mind i guess...
Thanks for reading... If you could get to the end of it...