About my SH thoughts really... [TW]

I just cant stop thinking about SHing, especially cutting, and watching pics, and wanting it so bad... But no small stuff, Big stuff. And its stuck in my head, more and more.

As soon as i felt i was out of the crisis (which to me means feeling like i'm going crazy, out of control and possibly kill myself out of a stronger impulse or just ask for help in the worst way), i felt like i could go back to the lesser evil... Self harm. Kind of to... reward myself for getting the control back, without incidents.

After 10+ years i should be sick of it, have had enough, gotten bored with it, tired of it... Instead no, NO im not ! Yes, I got used to it, have more experience, so i can resist longer, have more control, do it less deep, less often, less long cuts... But its like i keep holding myself back until one day i'll finally decide i can reward myself and do a big mess like i keep seeing it in my mind EVERY SINGLE DAY....

I want to do it and i dont want to do it... Tonight I've been up until 3am spending the night looking at pics... I know its better than acting, and thaths why i did it, but also, i feel like i'm just feeding my hunger and i'll soon give in and it will be GOOD but i'm afraid of losing control and make a huge mess. Thats what is keeping me from doing it now. That, and fantasizing, looking pics and writing about it...

I'd like to do that too though... I imagine its satisfaction to last longer... I dont know....

And I dont know whats the point of this post... What i'd want to hear from you... I just had to write it down and "give" it to someone else who can understand... I guess... Sorry... Just another weight out of me and my mind i guess...
Thanks for reading... If you could get to the end of it...

TW means trigger warning, am I correct?

Hello, and good evening to you sinking.

Please let me introduce myself a little bit, I have never helped anyone with substance addiction, or any other addictions, I don't know what AA does to help alcoholics, and I don't have a special knowledge from anyone including internet for this matter. No one close to me ever helped me with my addiction, what I will write here are just my own words.

I'm quite new to this part of forum, I myself has been doing what other people may think I shouldn't do. It is a habit and not a habit, it may be an addiction and may not. This is where I stand when I look into the matter in my own situation.

I relate to some of the temptation you listed, why you do it, how you do it, what leads to it, which I think are all personal, only your mind sees what is happening to you.

I am thinking now what sort of deal you've made with yourself about what you're trying so hard not to do. I was gonna put this in another thread but I saw yours first, really wanted to check on you.

I myself might've made a deal with devil, I can not be certain what this brings about. That's all I'm gonna share here with you for now. You have lived 10+ years with SHing, I assume that is part of your life and a long struggle you hope to eliminate from your life.

Life, life of an addict anywhere in the world. Addiction. I was thinking about this all day today, that is what I'd really like to share with you. That was a lot of thinking, I'll try to make it shorter if I can.

Addiction seems to me, especially nowadays, is a popular label that is slapped on whatever we do, we crave. I believe we use the word to make any addictions a bad things to do, the society's new rule are applied to everyone if we like it or not. People abuse the labels, sometimes they show us those new addictions as new scientific discoveries. What for?

Many of us, myself included has fought the addiction, we try to find, share the ways and means to get out of the habit, things get generalized, to help, with good intentions. I'm just a kind of person who looks away from those generalized ideas, I searched within myself yesterday and today, watching myself every step of the way.

Thinking about my general ideas of addiction helped me greatly to understand what was going with me, still is going on. "We(they) can't help themselves to do it." "Why do they do it? Because they are addicted to it." And the answers offered to us aren't that helpful, that is my view. In fact, I haven't even look at them, you probably have.

I searched in my own head for a clue. A clue to understand what I'm about to get myself into. I say this once, against my own good judgement perhaps, I did it, I needed to do it for a reason or two. Your life, my life, they are our own journey, we get to decide the direction.

Think of drug addicts for example, OD, what were they trying to achieve? Did they fail in their life?

Celebrities, I recall some of ODed cases, countless others on this planet, we have addicts who fought and beaten down to death. We never know what was going through their minds, we hear success stories and many more failures behind it. We can learn from them but not more so than within our own mind.

I like to talk about the reality, I define it myself and think about my life around the idea. For instances, think of meth heads, people with mental health issues, jobless, homeless, anyone on this planet could get addicted to something. Badly. I create the reality of my life as I perceive it and it's been changing all the time. Sometimes it surprises me in a bad way, I withstand it. I wanna lessons, from myself.

So that's one reality, the life as we see it and there's another, that we also create with our own minds, an escape. Some use illicit substances, legal drugs or some other means to spend time in that reality. My own, the both sides are looking as real as one another. I'm beginning to see other's in the same light.

If the reality of life for someone is a continuous hardship, painful struggles or unimaginable situations that could only be understood by the person(s) themselves, how could I help them?

The last statement is a tough question to answer for me. I say, they get to decide.

All we can help them with is to help them see.

That is the end of it and I wrote this not because you 'gave' it here, I was just doing the thinking just because, and I got your message. hope you get your strength back.

ETA: Just between u and me, I'm looking very closely to both of my reality, does that make sense?

Hi Takeshi,
(i like your nickname, the sound of it at least... does it mean anything?)

yes, TW=trigger warning. thanks for answering (to my other post too).

im not sure why you talk about addiction, i dont see my SH as an addiction, but rather as a choice. i do know that there is a part of chemical addiction (serotonin?) in SH, but i'd rather blame myself than chemistry. i prefer searching within myself too.

the "deal with myself" you talk about... i guess you hit the nail on the head. its all about that.

there is a HUGE part of me WANTING it and a little part of me (or more little parts of me) that think about OTHERS (external reasons) that make me not want it and reach out for help.
the huge part is animal. the little part(s) is(are) rational.
sometimes im not even sure i am real, my body is real and if it were for me only, i would go for it non-stop till the end. i wish i could.
but my little rational parts, usually still win the fight. the pleasure of giving in and satisfying my animal part screams loud, but the million of little voices of my rational part, all together scream louder.

"the life as we see it and the life we create as an escape".... im not sure i understand, but i find this quite similar to how i see myself as two me's. the me i show others and the me i live within. no one has any idea of what happens in my mind every single day.

how can others help us? it depends on what you mean for "help". me, i'd want to distinguish between HELPING and SAVING/CHANGING. sometimes i get them confused. is it something like that what you meant?

helping others see is good, but sometimes people dont want even that. they deny it all. "helping" to me, means being there without judgements and TRYING to understand and being supportive... showing you care. thats all i think others can do. am I making any sense here?

today i bought more stuff for my method/goodbye. im getting closer. i want to have it all in its place. then whatever will happen, will happen...

My kindle ate what I was writing, just hang in there.

I'm at work, dropping as much as I can writing this to you.

Unnecessary death, that's where I stand on suicide.

It doesn't matter what your method is, your the last method in the steps you're taking now. I saw you in trouble, I had to act. I do not know you so there's no understanding, fine.

You look away for one second and you could be gone, I know that. In your previous post, you showed that you care for others. There's always a way for you to take. I want to help you see that. Words, they are keeping you here. I saw you been posting elsewhere which I haven't read. Buy some time if you need to, figure it out.

Keep posting, what you may need is us, here, pc members.

I think you too need to drop everything and connect to us.

You're reaching out, I(we) here will take your hand and support you in any way we can.

ETA: if my last post sounded preaching or whatever, I apologise, pay no mind to that. That was my own **** to figure out. My name here is my real name, means strength. Means nothing to me quite frankly, I prove myself as I am, whatever I'm supposed to be. We create our own world in the way we want. We live for not how thins are, but to live the way we want it be. Enough with how I want with my life. Rational side, animal side, I believe we all have that. If I were a man alone in the wilderness, enraged crazed, going out of mind, what will I be? My rational thoughts may be another man's irrational. We all have an animal inside so we kill. I accept that now and try to live and work. Both sides are you, bring them together and you might get the strength that you need back. This is it for now. I'm still with you.

(((((((((( sinking ))))))))))

Would you still talk with me if I cave in? Ignore it, answer it, it's up to you.

Got someone, anyone to talk with? Remember hotline and all other stuff from the last thread we've met. I'll be reading more about you in a few hours.

Someone came and I had a change of heart for now. A little thing can give you a chance to breathe.

You do anything everything about it.

Fuzzy

Takeshi, thanks, of course i didnt take badly your post/words.

im done talking about me here for a while. i'll try to stay and help and give a bit back of all that i received. thanks everyone.

Love, hugs and best wishes to all