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JessLynn · 12:34 AM

This is the last time I’m asking for help. I’m really tired. I can’t remember not feeling this way. When I was younger I remember thinking everything would be okay when I got older because I would know how to handle it, but nothing is okay. It is just more complicated. I hate myself so intensely that I don’t know how to live with myself anymore. I fantasize multiple times every day about ending my life, or being involved in an accident. I would be okay if I died today. I would be relieved because I wouldn’t have to struggle through the ups and downs anymore.

It’s so confusing. One day I’m happy and I can take on the world. I’m blessed and I can do anything I set my mind to. The next, there’s nothing left for me. My family is going to die in an accident or in sickness or just because they’ll get old and I’ll have nobody. I’ll be alone with no reason to live and I’ll just be sitting around waiting to die. I think about it all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m only alive for the benefit of my family and because my religion claims that people who commit suicide go to hell. Why exchange one hell for another?

But I’m not sure that’s actually what happens. I think about it a lot. I don’t think God would do that. Send someone to hell for simply hurting so much they needed a way out. And the more I think about it, the more I realize you can’t live your life for other people. That’s what I’m doing right now. Living my life for my family. I don’t want to hurt them, but instead I’m hurting myself.

Sometimes I’m brave and I think I can get better. Those are on the up days. I decide to stop starving myself and I allow myself to feed my cravings. That doesn’t last long.

Possible trigger:

I always end up taking laxatives shortly after because I am consumed by my regret and the knowledge that I have destroyed everything I have worked so hard for. That’s why I’m not thin anymore. I gave it up in an attempt to be happy and it backfired.

So my choice was to end my life or lose weight, and I decided to lose the weight again. Didn’t really work out the first time but I figured it was going to work this time. But there is no way to starve yourself and be happy. I am a zombie and I am a *****. I am irritated all the time and the rest of the time I don’t care about anything. I want to hole up in my room and sleep until I’m thin. But I also want to recover and be happy with myself unconditionally. I don’t want to care what I look like or if there’s fat on my body. But every time I try it comes to this feeling of self-hatred and uncontrollable crying until finally I’m screaming that I want to kill myself because it’s the only release I can get without turning to SI.

It’s hard to get through a day. That’s why I fantasize so much about the alternative. I feel like I’m at the end because I can’t live years with this feeling. It has been years already and it’s become worse, not better. It’s exhausting. So, this is the last time I’m going to ask for help. I can’t handle this anymore.