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#1
Nov 26, 2015, 09:48 PM
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This is the last time I’m asking for help. I’m really tired. I can’t remember not feeling this way. When I was younger I remember thinking everything would be okay when I got older because I would know how to handle it, but nothing is okay. It is just more complicated. I hate myself so intensely that I don’t know how to live with myself anymore. I fantasize multiple times every day about ending my life, or being involved in an accident. I would be okay if I died today. I would be relieved because I wouldn’t have to struggle through the ups and downs anymore.
It’s so confusing. One day I’m happy and I can take on the world. I’m blessed and I can do anything I set my mind to. The next, there’s nothing left for me. My family is going to die in an accident or in sickness or just because they’ll get old and I’ll have nobody. I’ll be alone with no reason to live and I’ll just be sitting around waiting to die. I think about it all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m only alive for the benefit of my family and because my religion claims that people who commit suicide go to hell. Why exchange one hell for another? But I’m not sure that’s actually what happens. I think about it a lot. I don’t think God would do that. Send someone to hell for simply hurting so much they needed a way out. And the more I think about it, the more I realize you can’t live your life for other people. That’s what I’m doing right now. Living my life for my family. I don’t want to hurt them, but instead I’m hurting myself. Sometimes I’m brave and I think I can get better. Those are on the up days. I decide to stop starving myself and I allow myself to feed my cravings. That doesn’t last long.
Possible trigger:
It’s hard to get through a day. That’s why I fantasize so much about the alternative. I feel like I’m at the end because I can’t live years with this feeling. It has been years already and it’s become worse, not better. It’s exhausting. So, this is the last time I’m going to ask for help. I can’t handle this anymore. Last edited by shezbut; Nov 28, 2015 at 12:34 AM. Reason: Trigger warning; changed wording |
 *Laurie*, annoyedgrunt84, Anonymous 37943, Anonymous37833, avlady, ChipperMonkey, Cinnamon_Stick, continuosly blue, Daphnelover, Fuzzybear, geez, Hope 51, hoping76, IceCreamKid, Seraphine, shezbut, waggiedog
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#2
Nov 26, 2015, 09:57 PM
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I am sorry you are feeling low. Do you have a T?
__________________
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
| avlady
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#3
Nov 26, 2015, 10:06 PM
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Quote:
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| avlady, Seraphine, waggiedog
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#4
Nov 26, 2015, 11:18 PM
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How long have you been with this T? When I was in my 20's I saw a couple different Ts for a short time and they were not helpful but years later I found one that is helpful.
__________________
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
| avlady
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#5
Nov 26, 2015, 11:25 PM
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Quote:
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| avlady
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#6
Nov 27, 2015, 12:03 AM
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I am currently going through the same emotional rollercoaster you seem to be describing, I have moments of crisis where all, and I Mean all hope is lost. I do not have an Eating disorder but i do know exactly what its like to feel the way your feeling. You should try finding another therapist if this one is not working for you. You don't seem happy with the right of help there providing try finding someone else.
__________________
Documenting my Illness through video blog on youtube "The Suicide Journal" |
| avlady
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 waggiedog
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#7
Nov 27, 2015, 09:48 AM
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__________________
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#8
Nov 27, 2015, 10:03 AM
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Quote:
I believe you need to tell your therapist exactly what you wrote in your original post. Print it out if need be. If you are a minor, share it with your family, too because I think you need an intervention now, today. No one should feel such horrible pain and feel it alone. Ask your therapist for a course of action. If you are an adult and handling your own finances and insurance, the same basic advice applies--ask your therapist for immediate help. As an adult you can choose a trusted friend or family member to confide it. Please enlist one of them to support you emotionally now, without judgment. I am not a doctor. But I can tell you that I recognize much of what you have written. I have had those same feelings. I know how horribly painful they are. But I also recognize that some of them are developmental--in other words, that those feelings may change over time--so as painful as they are, consider them temporary and see if you can find any directional pointers in them. Let me clarify. Your pain seems to be focused around being thin. Mine was education. But in reality the underpinning is self-worth. You are inherently worthy. As you are, right now, today and always. All human beings have worth, and since you believe in God, I can tell you God has deemed that so. It may comfort you to believe that the rule against suicide is to help people step back from temporary (although admittedly horribly painful) situations. For me, I have started looking at going to hell from suicide as spending an eternity with the horrible people I have encountered in my life--so I now run in the opposite direction from that idea! But I know that you are still in pain. Some options open to you right now are the emergency room, a suicide prevention hotline:1 (800) 273-8255, a local ask a nurse hotline (many hospitals have these), and calling your therapist right now and asking for immediate help. You can also call a trusted friend or relative. And you can post here. I'm praying for you dear. |
| annoyedgrunt84, avlady, Fuzzybear
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| annoyedgrunt84, Semi-depressed, waggiedog
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#9
Nov 27, 2015, 05:14 PM
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Hello JessLynn: There is an author, of whose writings I am fond, who has written: there are some hurts so deep anything one might say can but add to the pain. In such cases, the only thing we can do is to bear witness to the person's pain so that no one need suffer alone. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you might find the strength to heal...
__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
| avlady
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| waggiedog
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#10
Nov 27, 2015, 05:46 PM
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Hi JessLynn,
Those feelings you described, I know them so well. I just wanted to offer you empathy, and a hug: Take care. |
| annoyedgrunt84, avlady
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#11
Nov 27, 2015, 09:06 PM
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I just started my first thread on a similar topic, I too am haunted by thoughts of suicide and longing for some type of accident to happen. I am sick of the ups and downs, from feeling blessed to self loathing and an utter contempt for the world. Hating my cravings as they make me feel weak, to wanting indulge in worst things for me as a slow suicide. Thoughts of suicide are hard to deal with, for me it feels like my brain is being wrenched on. It takes a lot of strength to deal with suicidal thoughts, even though society has a different idea of mental illness. That depressed people are weak and need to suck it up. Suicide is permanent, hopefully our problems are not sometimes we have to do the things we don't want to in order to make it through the tough times. Take the medication and see the doctors. There are lessons to be learned in all of it but especially our worst experiences.
Last edited by bluekoi; Nov 29, 2015 at 06:27 PM. Reason: Add trigger icon. Edit per OP's Request. |
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#12
Nov 27, 2015, 10:45 PM
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I feel for you. Is there a history of rapid cycling? Ice Cream Kid gives helpful options. I realize what you do must be your decision and nobody else's. I give you my concern, my hugs and my prayers.
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#13
Nov 28, 2015, 01:10 PM
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 If you didn't have to live your life for other people how would you live?
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
| IceCreamKid
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#14
Nov 28, 2015, 02:38 PM
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I have had theses same thoughts and feelings before, have you talked your GP about meds? They can often help ease the worst symptoms. Give yourself something, anything to hold on to, maybe a movie that's coming out you want to see or if you have a good relationship with your family try to focus on them, yes one day they might be gone but for now, for right now, they give you something to live for try to focus on that.
__________________
"We can hear the night watchman click his flashlight ask himself if it's him or them that's insane"- Bob Dylan 20 mg Citalopram |
| IceCreamKid
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#15
Nov 28, 2015, 03:11 PM
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Please don't do it!
If you do, there will be a hole in the Universe where you're supposed to be and that will be a very sad thing! With that being said, and you stating that you need help, I urge you to contact your therapist and utilize all resources necessary to keep yourself from acting on this. When you're feeling stronger, you can work on the issues that are causing you to feel like this is the only option you've got available to help solve the problems that are causing you so much pain. Sincerely, Pfrog! |
| IceCreamKid
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#16
Nov 28, 2015, 03:52 PM
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i also want to send you empathy and huggs. i also know i've felt the same way before so i do understand. i totally agree with everyone here especially ice cream kid. you need to talk to someone if possible. call crisis center if you have to.good luck
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