Quote:
Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey
I think I sort of know what you're going through. I was a member of another site where I got to know a few people somewhat closely. I was a member for a number of years. One night I just had one of those moments where I simply knew for sure what I had to do, sort of a lightning bolt moment when I realized the site was actually making me feel worse overall and I knew I had to leave. I thought I'd be able to hang on to those closer friendships. It turns out I was wrong. It was a hard blow realizing that those friendships were over, too. It's been over three months now and I still think about one of my friends a lot. I miss him. But, now I realize that I wasn't an actual friend to him. I was a friend of convenience. People were friendly with me simply because I was there. God forbid they have to put any effort into the friendship. (Won't text, won't email, won't message me on Facebook, etc). I left the site so it's as if I don't exist anymore. It hurts. It really hurts! But it seems that online relationships are disposable. Sometime I wish I was born a generation or two ago (or more). This online stuff is just too confusing to someone like me who doesn't understand relationships to begin with.
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So much yes to all of this. I don't understand relationships either, and online ones are especially confusing, because you can't actually see body language or expressions. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
I did end up clarifying why I was leaving and that it wasn't him. I mean, I left one of my closest friends who was in a relationship with my character. I care about this person so much, I sent them sympathy flowers when she lost her mother, grandparents and uncle in a car accident. But she barely acts like I exist. Its one of those things where she means more to me than I do to her. And that is basically the story of my life. People always mean more to me, than I do to them. That really hurts too. But you're right about disposable friendships. And I am a very disposable person. It happens all the time. Being BPD makes it so much worse too. It would be easier if I didn't form emotional attachments, and most of the time I really try not to. I'm very distant with people until I feel like its safe to get closer to them or open up to them.
Another example, one of the managers at work is always asking how I'm doing. And I always shake my head and say life isn't good right now. Because I'm at a point where I can't lie and fake it anymore. Today he said it will get better and if there's anything he can do to help, let him know. But he's a manager. Is he safe to confide in? I know its retail, but we're not supposed to open up to our managers, right? Its not professional, and so on. He's a really nice guy though, and I have been opening up a little bit, and a little bit. One of the other associates actually cracked my barriers tonight and it felt good to confide in him. As cocky, arrogant, childish and ADHD as he is...he's a fantastic person and I adore him. He can't relate to mental illness at all, but he makes an effort to cheer me up, and to get me to open up. So I'm coming to a safe level with him.
Most of the other associates can't stand him, but I guess I'm just used to looking past character flaws into the heart of a person, and seeing their true value. Cockiness and arrogance just amuses me anyway.