More Failed Friendships

I was in a roleplaying community, and last night decided to retire from it. Because I felt inconsequential. Ever since my mental illness took a downward turn, the people who use to be my closest friends started ignoring me and ditching me. It got to a point where signing onto the site just made me feel worse. And worse. And worse. And hurt. A few people were happy to see me, but they weren't my supposed closest friends. Last night I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. Not just because I got ditched and ignored, but also because I'm too depressed to feel motivated to write. There's a lack of inspiration. For weeks I would sign on and just stare at the screen and am like, "Nope. Can't do this." And sign off.

So I announced I was retiring my profile and sent messages to some of the people who were my closer friends, thanking them for writing with me and so on. One of them reacted badly, saying I used them. People were happy I was there but they weren't my favorites so they didn't matter. He told me not to text him anymore and that our friendship is over.

I woke up depressed. And got even more depressed because I thought our friendship went beyond the RP community. I was fully intended to remain friends with him. So I screwed up and lost all except one of my RP friends. Who was ironically not someone I was very close to, but was the most persistent about us being friends. And caring. So she won my trust and friendship. She didn't ditch me when I started becoming mentally ill, and made an effort to be very supportive. Nor does she care that I'm not roleplayin with her anymore.

I guess I get confused about who is my real friend, and who isn't. People I think who are true friends, turn out not to be. And those I barely give the time of day to turn out to be the best kind of friend you can have. I don't understand friendships. I've got a book coming to help me figure these things out. I have a therapist too, but I'm already working on a ton of things in therapy. I am basically my Marylin quote....unstable and insecure. I NEED to be reassured by my friends, otherwise I think the worst and that they don't want to be my friends. I get tired of being the only one putting effort into friendships too. That isn't how they work, right?

Sometimes our own feelings can be the biggest clue as to others' feelings.

It sounds like to some of the people you liked, you were not one of their favorites so you didn't matter.

But if you think about it, for the people who were nice and glad you were there, but they just weren't your favorites and they didn't matter to you - it's not like you hated them, or judged them, or tried to take advantage of them. It's not like you were being mean or anything. You were just being honest with yourself and true to your feelings. It wasn't personal, they just weren't people you felt a desire to really connect with.

Chances are that some of your favorites had the same feeling towards you. It wasn't personal, it wasn't anything wrong with you, they just didn't feel the magic.

As for the guy who went off on you, well he sounds a but unstable to put it lightly, so best just to brush that off.

He told me he didn't mean for me to stop texting him. Then was like I gave you space and waited for a reply, and waited. And I'm like I'm sorry I have been depressed and unstable for two months. I told him if he wanted to make it personal he could. Then he said he wasn't making it personal.

So I don't know. One minute its like he's quilting me, the next he's being logical and composed. I'm pissed at him. Because I don't know if he's attacking me or being reasonable and I'm too emotional not to react badly either way. This isn't the first time he's given me confused feelings like this. But its probably just me. Not understanding people and relationships with my BPD black and white thinking. I feel pretty fed up with people in general at the moment, and have to work tonight. Dealing with people. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this....work while falling deeper and deeper into depression. Especially when I do retail.

There could be many reasons for him reacting the way he did. If someone I enjoyed doing x with announced we can't do x anymore, I'd be a bit upset too. Because I enjoyed doing x with that person, and I'm going to miss that. I think that's normal. Though I don't agree with his reaction. Have you tried explaining to him why you feel you can't do it anymore? If he is a reasonable person, I think he would understand and maybe even feel guilty for the way he reacted. It's not your fault you feel the way you feel. At the same time, maybe the relationship meant more to him than it did to you, and he misinterpreted the situation. I understand you're dealing with a lot right now and in general, but perhaps he is too, right?

My advice would be to talk to him. Just be like... Hey can you let me know when you're free for a little bit so we can talk? Explain why you feel the way you feel, and let him know that it has nothing to do with him. I also think it's important for you to let him know that his reaction hurt you, because you thought your friendship was more than that. Try to stay calm and collected; don't let emotions take control of the situation. Maybe think about how you would like someone to treat you when you're upset about something.

I think his response should tell you all you need to know about the kind of person he is, and whether there's any point in investing anymore into this relationship.

People are funny, it seems they get so offended easily and they just ruin any advances for a friendship cause you never know how they are going to take what you say or do. Just be yourself, and screw it if they don't like you. Real friends will love you as you are no matter what. So don't try to figure people out cause you can't. Just work on you, improving you and being good to yourself. And all good things will come to you as you work on them. blessings

I think I sort of know what you're going through. I was a member of another site where I got to know a few people somewhat closely. I was a member for a number of years. One night I just had one of those moments where I simply knew for sure what I had to do, sort of a lightning bolt moment when I realized the site was actually making me feel worse overall and I knew I had to leave. I thought I'd be able to hang on to those closer friendships. It turns out I was wrong. It was a hard blow realizing that those friendships were over, too. It's been over three months now and I still think about one of my friends a lot. I miss him. But, now I realize that I wasn't an actual friend to him. I was a friend of convenience. People were friendly with me simply because I was there. God forbid they have to put any effort into the friendship. (Won't text, won't email, won't message me on Facebook, etc). I left the site so it's as if I don't exist anymore. It hurts. It really hurts! But it seems that online relationships are disposable. Sometime I wish I was born a generation or two ago (or more). This online stuff is just too confusing to someone like me who doesn't understand relationships to begin with.

So much yes to all of this. I don't understand relationships either, and online ones are especially confusing, because you can't actually see body language or expressions. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

I did end up clarifying why I was leaving and that it wasn't him. I mean, I left one of my closest friends who was in a relationship with my character. I care about this person so much, I sent them sympathy flowers when she lost her mother, grandparents and uncle in a car accident. But she barely acts like I exist. Its one of those things where she means more to me than I do to her. And that is basically the story of my life. People always mean more to me, than I do to them. That really hurts too. But you're right about disposable friendships. And I am a very disposable person. It happens all the time. Being BPD makes it so much worse too. It would be easier if I didn't form emotional attachments, and most of the time I really try not to. I'm very distant with people until I feel like its safe to get closer to them or open up to them.

Another example, one of the managers at work is always asking how I'm doing. And I always shake my head and say life isn't good right now. Because I'm at a point where I can't lie and fake it anymore. Today he said it will get better and if there's anything he can do to help, let him know. But he's a manager. Is he safe to confide in? I know its retail, but we're not supposed to open up to our managers, right? Its not professional, and so on. He's a really nice guy though, and I have been opening up a little bit, and a little bit. One of the other associates actually cracked my barriers tonight and it felt good to confide in him. As cocky, arrogant, childish and ADHD as he is...he's a fantastic person and I adore him. He can't relate to mental illness at all, but he makes an effort to cheer me up, and to get me to open up. So I'm coming to a safe level with him. Most of the other associates can't stand him, but I guess I'm just used to looking past character flaws into the heart of a person, and seeing their true value. Cockiness and arrogance just amuses me anyway.

I'm interested in hearing what his response to your clarification was, and if you're both now on the same page. Are you feeling OK about the situation now?

You don't sound like a disposable person at all. Anyone who values friendships would value someone like you. The fact that you sent your online friend cards/flowers shows how much you care. People who care are actually quite hard to come by these days. Try to think in more positive terms about yourself.

What is it about the way she acts that makes you feel as if you don't exist? Maybe she's going through a hard time too, but isn't the type to communicate that. Losing people you love is hard; losing them abruptly and in such circumstances is something I wouldn't even want to think about. Can you imagine how something like that could impact your life? Things you said or didn't say, regrets, plans you had together, etc. Everyone deals with situations differently, and some better than others. Her not talking to you as much doesn't mean you're less of a person, or disposable. It probably has very little, if not nothing, to do with you.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to form close relationships with work colleagues. I imagine it could cause issues in the future. If he is someone you see outside of work (meaning, he is your friend by choice, and not someone who is forced to interact with you due to work) then MAYBE? I don't know. Maybe someone else here can offer some advice.

i hope everything works out!!!try not to worry too much, it will ruin you. take it as it comes and it will all work itself out in the end-you'll see who your real friends are.

My online friend told me he wasn't taking it personally. Just stating facts. And that I need to do what I need to do. But he'll still be friends with me. I've felt weird about him ever since he confessed to being jealous of me. We played the same character and he said everyone likes me better, and that I do better at portraying the character than him, and he should delete and so on. And I felt so horrible because it seemed like my fault he was feeling that way. He was jealous of how popular I was. I use to be really popular, but after I came out of my hypomania, people started acting like I didn't exist. You're fun when you're hypomaniac. When you're depressed? Not so much. And I was very open with everyone about what was going on, and friends just abandoned ship. I have serious abandonment issues, and that's why I feel disposable. I've been ditched by people I cared about a hell of a lot. Abruptly. Sometimes without explanation, leaving me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong and could never figure out what.

After my ex-gf in 2009, I just kind of shut down. I can't let people close anymore. Or I feel like I can't. Its like waiting for be screwed over and hurt. People really need to prove themselves to me in order for them to win my trust. Most people fail to do that. So I don't have a lot of close friends. At all. I use to, back when I was in college I had a lot of friends. But after my psychotic break, moving back north and back in with my parents, I lost connection with all my friends in this area. So I no longer know anyone. I don't know how to meet people outside of work. Because I don't drive, I can't just get up and go somewhere. So online friends are the most accessible. That's all I really have. I can't even manage those friendships.

Based on what you've said, it does sound like your friend has some issues too. That doesn't sound like "normal" behavior. And if that is the case, then I think it's important you try accept that to some degree and adjust your expectations. The same way you would hope your friends would for you, knowing that you're going through a hard time. But it all needs to be balanced, you don't want people to take advantage of you. I think it's important to try and establish what is/isn't acceptable behavior, otherwise you're going to attract the wrong kinds of people into your life. And I sense you're the type of person who would end up blaming yourself for each of these failed relationships, which will make you feel even worse.

What's your plan of action to try and work on some of these issues? Have you discussed this with your therapist?

I didn't consider seeing it that way. I know both of my friends I mentioned are going through something...one is depressed, one is dealing with loss. I cut more slack to the one dealing with loss due to her horrible circumstances. But I don't often open up my heart. I told my grieving friend how much she meant to me, and how sorry I was for her losses. There really wasn't any reaction to that, she just changed the topic. Which left me feeling that I don't mean the same to her as she means to me, and if that's the case, I'm investing way too much into a relationship that isn't really deep. When I try to talk to her, she usually pushes me away. Which is exactly what I would probably do too, so I'm not being harsh or accusing her of anything. I guess I wish there was more I could do for her, but it really is out of my hands. She was starting to behave this way before she lost her family members though. I don't know. I'm not sure how to be a good friend in this situation and what I should or shouldn't do. What to expect or not expect. What's normal and what isn't normal. If I'm doing something that's making her push me away, should I just drop the friendship altogether and move on? Or should I be persistent and supportive regardless?

As for these issues. I'm starting EMDR treatment and DBT therapy soon. I can work on these things while doing DBT. But I haven't seen my therapist in three weeks, and won't see her until the 24th. I really only see her twice a month, though there was confusion about the time of my last appointment. She wrote down 1:30 on my card when it was at 1:00 so I showed up at 1:30 and they said I was too late. And I had an emotional meltdown in the car, because I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I did get to talk to her over the phone. She hasn't given me a lot of direction as far as relationships go. But I did get a book on BPD that covers relationship issues, and other book that covers them as well, and about how to have a healthy one. Since my therapist isn't readily available all the time (not her fault) I thought I could teach myself some things through books.

It's difficult, I know... it sucks. But I think it would help if you tried taking a step back from all of this. Both of your friends have issues, issues which you cannot fix. You are only responsible for yourself, and your well-being. All you can do is be there for them, without trying to pressure them into engaging with you. Will they reciprocate? I wouldn't count on it. Sadly, psychological/mental issues can push someone towards becoming quite self-absorbed. People think and handle situations in different ways. I've had friends who have become so absorbed in their own problems, that they completely forget about everyone else. At that point I'm not sure there's a whole lot you can do. It's not necessarily their fault I guess, but it's not yours either. Do you have any close friends who also have BPD that you talk to? Maybe you would find that beneficial.

I've heard some positive things about DBT. I started reading through a workbook I found online, but never got around to finishing it. I hope it helps you overcome some of the difficulties you're going through. At least to think about them in a different way. Because at the end of the day, you can't change other people, but you can change the affect they have on you.

I'm not sure what else to say, and I don't want to say something wrong. It seems like you're trying your best to overcome and make sense of the situation you find yourself in, which is a REALLY good sign. Hang on in there and don't give up!

Take a step back. Okay. I can do that. If that's what's the best thing I can do. I'll do it gladly. Because I feel like I've done everything I could do, and there's nothing left. I'll let these people go. With love. I mean, I'm not going to lash out at them and trash them with anger and hatred. I hate to lose more people, but one thing life has taught me is that everything, including relationships, are temporary. Nothing lasts forever. And I'd rather step away quietly in peace then throw a tantrum.

I know all about self-absorption myself. Its something I've been working on the past few months. It's really easy when you have SO much wrong with you, to not be able to think outside of those problems. Add spinal degeneration and epilepsy and you're like, "Why. I'm just a walking compilation of problems." That is really negative thinking, but its really how I feel most of the time. But I've been trying very, very hard to think outside of myself, develop more empathy and treat other people better. People describe me as being very sweet, kind and compassionate. But when the problems become overwhelming, its like a bubble forms around your brain and you can't pop it. Right now my problems are very overwhelming. I'm crashing into a depressive episode, which has been occurring for two months. Now it's getting bad. I'm doing what I can to avoid hitting a level where I need to be hospitalized.

The few friends I do have though? They are so wonderful. They're great teachers. And treat me like I matter when so few people do. I guess that's what makes them friends, right? I've been making a point to discuss their problems too and empathize with them, so it isn't always about me. We also discuss other topics, so its not always depression talk. That's good, right? Am I doing that right?

I need a course on relationships. My parents were horrible teachers. Hostile, volatile, angry and constantly fighting. There were not loving toward each other. I developed PTSD partially from my parents during childhood. They never had a normal relationship. My mother hated all my friends and treated them bad whenever they came over. My dad was the exact opposite. Everything I did with friends was controlled. I didn't have freedom until I was 18 and in college, to even walk down the road without supervision. My sister was more of a mom to me than my mother, and she was also emotionally abusive and manipulative. My dad was always working and had no emotions. I wasn't hugged as a child. And having been violated makes hugging and physical contact even more uncomfortable. There are plenty of explanations to describe why these struggles exist. But yes. I am trying to overcome them. Always.

If someone is causing you emotional stress, and you've tried your best to rectify the situation, then I think the next step is to try create some distance/emotionally detach from that person. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with that person, but it does mean taking a step back and reevaluating the relationship.

I know, sometimes things are so hard that we become absorbed in our problems. I think everyone goes through that. But then I think about all the people in the world who are going through a LOT worse, and that puts things into perspective. That's not to say what you're going through isn't difficult, but it could be worse, right? There are so many things to be grateful for, think about those things. Try to think more positively about yourself. I wonder if it would be worth seeing your therapist more often, because you describe the situation as getting pretty bad. Do you find that you feel better after seeing your therapist?

Friends like that are so precious, many people wish they could have such friends. You're very fortunate! It sounds like you're doing it right to me! I think communication and mutual empathy/understanding are important in any relationship, so it's great that you're working on that. At the same time, try not to rely on your friends TOO much. If you're feeling bad, your initial reaction shouldn't be to reach out to a friend. I think it's important you try to deal with difficulties on your own as much as possible. You can learn to be your own therapist! But of course, sometimes we need to reach out to friends, and there's nothing wrong with that.

There's always some explanation as to why we're in the situation we're in. It's often unfair, and heartbreaking. Yes, it does suck. But, as you know we can't change our past, and we can't go back in time... which is exactly why you're TryingToMoveForward, right?! But with hard work, you can change the future. How has your therapist suggested you go about dealing with these issues from the past?

Yes. There are people going through worse. The one manager commented that it couldn't get worse, and I told him that it honestly could. Despite being in a bad place, I have been in a worse place in the past. So far there has been an absence of active suicidal thinking. Which is very, very good. If that starts happening, then it will really be bad. If I became paralyzed it would be worse. There are ways my situation could be drastically more desperate.

But that doesn't negate the current suffering or make it better. I'll be fine though.

Most of my life I have faced things on my own. I don't necessarily turn to friends for guidance and advice, but as an ear for venting when I need to. Occasionally I ask for advice. And I don't just vent. We discuss other things too. Sometimes venting in the moment keeps me from escalating, but I don't do it every time I'm in that state. Most of my life I've faced everything on my own. I mean...you can't complain about the same thing over, and over and over again and expect things to magically change. So I vent once and leave it at that.

I would like to see my therapist weekly again, especially if I'm starting those two new therapy treatments. Usually I feel better. Sometimes I leave more conflicted or feeling worse. As expressive as I am here? I'm not like that in person. Getting me to talk is like pulling teeth. Voicing how I really feel, verbally, is excruciatingly difficult. Discussing the real, underlying problems...its hard to find my voice at all. I wasn't allowed to have problems as a kid or teen, I received zero support from my parents and sister. I was told I didn't have problems, or they were stupid, and sent away. I wasn't allowed to talk about them. So its very difficult to get myself to open up. But I do make the effort. I'm telling her on the 24th exactly what I need, even though doing so is causing me anxiety and discomfort, and it won't be easy to do. But if she can't see me weekly? Well. I guess that's that. I'll manage.

She hasn't given me any advice on how to deal with past issues. She only said we need to discuss them.

You're going to be OK, just hang on in there! And remember you've got this PC community if you ever need to talk.

[QUOTE=TryingToMoveForward;4830112]When you're depressed? Not so much. And I was very open with everyone about what was going on, and friends just abandoned ship. I have serious abandonment issues, and that's why I feel disposable. I've been ditched by people I cared about a hell of a lot. Abruptly. Sometimes without explanation, leaving me feeling like I had done something horribly wrong and could never figure out what.{QUOTE]

=========Hi TTMF , I just wanted to reply to your situation because I've been through something very similar. And I'm talking about RL people not on-line.
I'm in my 6th generation and also have been said to have BPD. The reason I said "have been said " is because I'm tired of the labels. I am who I am , period. Whatever the reason , it's not that I get too attached to people it's just that I care too much and want to know them more than on a superficial level , which is what most relationships are , superficial. Everybody has their secrets that you'll never know about.

I put out and out never getting much in return. I started feeling like I'm just not as important and was being used. And guess what , most of the time that's exactly what's happening. They would say things like, well I can't give you all my attention etc..... I never asked for it all , just some more than what was given.
Some people just don't know how to really get close on a deep level because they're afraid they might have to open up. Oh I just love the one's where they don't even give you an explanation. This happened with my wife of MANY yrs. No explanation , just wanted to "move on" . Two children who won't have an adult conversation even though they're supposed to be adults chronologically. And so called best friend whose an alcoholic that I tried to help.
I was blamed for everything. I was too clingy , too needy and still having to pay for mistakes made 30 yrs ago. There aren't enough sorry's in the world , (backed up by actions), to make a difference.

You see they are perfect and your not. It was all ********. They just didn't want to admit their own character defects and shortcomings. They didn't know how to get close. If you become superficial I guarantee you'll have a lot of "friends".

After my divorce I moved to a new area. I'm alone with physical problems that keep me from going out a lot. I have no RL friends. I can't work. I'm totally alone except for talking to you right now. I've been abandoned by my whole family, and blood relatives and non-blood relatives. A whole life of phoniness. Mental illness or not , is that the way it should be ? Dedicate your whole life to people who just throw you away once your not needed anymore ?
My depression coupled with my physical pain has brought me to a new time low. Hard to make new friends the older you get. I think so anyway. Especially if you have a lot of "issues"".
Believe me , I know how you feel and empathize with you. Hope your still young enough to make something of your life.

Best wishes,

I lost a friendship over disagreements about my partner as well as my child. I belong to several communities in real life.

[quote=continuosly blue;4831265]I really appreciate you saying all this. Because now I know someone who has felt this way too and that makes all the difference in the world. People like us, we're just more sensitive than most. And people don't cut us slack for it, instead we're treated like we're defective. I never ask for more attention than I would give. And like you, I give and give and give. But tend to get little back in return. I'm a pretty deep person. Once an emotional bond as been established and trust as well, I go to those deeper levels because its safe. Or it seems safe. So far experience has taught me its not. And its not that I trust too easily either. I have serious trust issues. I'm hesitant to open up. Here its different, because its a support forum. But elsewhere I do not talk like this at all.

Honestly, I walked away from those two friendships last night. When I realized they were empty and false, and I would never get what I need...the kind of friendship I felt, I realized all of this has caused me way too much emotional pain. Being depressed was bad enough, but to face rejection on a daily basis as well? They were triggering me. So I decided enough was enough and I would walk away and delete them from my life. In a very non-confrontational manner. I deleted their numbers from my cell phone and deleted the one off FB. Since they have never provided explanations to me, for anything, I don't feel I owe them explanations. Today I was in higher spirits, and I think its because I'm not being hit with that emotional pain throughout the day. This should definitely help my depression.

I'm sorry you are so alone though. Amazing, that there are so many people in the world, and we manage to feel lonely anyway. Meeting people is not easy. Despite the internet.

Oh man. Speaking of rejection, I asked a co-worker for his number, and asked if he wanted to hang out some time. Because we're like bros. And he froze up and looked completely awkward. Obvious he wasn't interested in doing that. The fact that he doesn't want to doesn't bother me. I'm just embarrassed I thought we could be better friends than we are, when that thought hadn't crossed his mind. Plus I suspect he thinks I have a crush on him. Is it weird for women to ask guys to hang out? I'm not romantically interested in him at all. He's literally a bro. I feel like I violated some social taboo. But he's very arrogant and full of himself, so he probably thinks I'm into him. I think I will give up on trying to be friends with people and let them come to me.

But there lies one of the issues (in my opinion; and I could be wrong)... just because we're sensitive, doesn't mean it's OK to expect others to be as sensitive as we are. It turns out, a lot of people aren't. Some people aren't/do not get as emotional, or as attached, have the same priorities, values, etc. And they aren't defective either. I do believe some people are TOO sensitive for others... it doesn't mean they're bad, but I imagine it can strain a relationship after some time.

What made you feel as if the relationships were empty and false? OK, they weren't perfect, but very few relationships are... and even then it's not forever. What needs of yours do you feel weren't being met? It's difficult for me to comment, because obviously I don't know the situation whereas you do... but was it necessary to cut them out of your life completely? And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to confuse you; I'm just trying to be balanced. I've had someone I love cut me out of their life without warning, and it's the most horrible thing ever. I'm still dealing with it, because it all doesn't make much sense to me.

But hey, if you had friends who were mean, were abusive to you, put you down, etc... then removing them from your life is absolutely justified.

You misunderstood me. I do not expect others to be as sensitive at all. I expect people to be exactly who they are, whether they are sensitive or not. Telling someone who is sensitive that they are being overly sensitive does not make them feel any better about themselves. It doesn't change the situation. It doesn't make them feel less sensitive but worse. Whether someone is overly sensitive or not, its important to have some respect for their feelings. Maybe they do have a legitimate reason for feeling that way. When people say things like that to me, for example, its like a slap in the face and a put down. Its like you're saying "It's all in your head. Stop being so crazy." You can't deal with very sensitive people as if they're not very sensitive, especially when it comes to criticism. This is what I've learned from experience and from studying myself. I've been friends with people all over the spectrum, and how I interact with people is based upon their personality traits. I can be jokingly insensitive with one friend, but it might not be appropriate with another friend who is more like me. Its being conscientious and considerate.

As for these friends...the one barely talked to me, so I don't think me ceasing to speak to her is really going to bother her all that much. I mean if she texts me I'll probably respond out of politeness. My basic needs are communication, consistency and for people to follow through with what they say they'll do. For behavior to back up words. For people to not ditch me without an explanation especially if we made plans. If you can't make it, that's fine. I am really understanding. But to just ditch, not say anything for 5 days, and then act like its okay? No. Its not okay to do that. Its horribly rude and inconsiderate. If something is going on, then tell me. I would never do that to someone. Ever. I would never expect out of other people what I would not expect or demand from myself.

It kills me when people say, yes we'll hang out. I'll call tonight we can talk. I'm there for you. Make all these plans. Look forward to it all do. Work myself up to talking over the phone because I have a phone phobia so there's prep work. And then...nothing. I get ditched. This is not how I would treat someone I respect and value as a friend.

Oh yeah, of course, I would be upset too if that was me. I've been through that also. I hope I didn't come off as being insensitive, that wasn't my intention.

Hey TTMF (hope you don't mind me calling you that, it's a lot easier hehe ), just thought I'd check up on you -- how are things? Hope you're okay!