Hey there. I'm glad that you feel a bit better for having expressed some of what is going on for you. I find that it really helps me to do that, too. Helps me feel less alone in the world. Can suck to feel alone, huh, when there isn't really anyone who we can talk to who might understand something of what is going on.

The boundary between being 'mentally ill' and 'not mentally ill' is tricky and very controversial. Basically... If you went to see a psychiatrist then they would probably figure out some medication or other to give you. How come? Because that is what they do. The current definition of 'mental disorder' includes such notions as 'distress'. That means... That if you are worried about your experiences then you get to count as distressed and hence a psychiatrist would probably give you something to mildly sedate you so that you didn't feel so distressed (or worried about feeling distressed) anymore. So... Unless you really start freaking out... Or... Unless you start telling your friends and / or your folks stuff to make them freak out... Or freak them out some other way (by stopping attending school or by getting grades well below your ability or something) then you should be alright mental health-wise ;-)

As for your experiences... There is a funny kind of boundary between mentally ill and not mentally ill, as I said. Something like... 30% of first year students at college have experienced hallucinations at some point in their life... Prevalence of delusions are about the same, I think (though more controversially because it is harder to say precisely what beliefs count as delusions).

Your experiences did remind me a little of what Jaspers (or perhaps it was Maher) called 'feelings of significance'. The idea here is that some experience... Takes on an intense emotional quality. For example, sometimes we have this intense experience of 'I've been here before' that attaches to current environmental stimuli for a feeling of deja vu (which is fairly common in the non-mentally ill population as it is fairly common in the mentally ill population). Sometimes the feeling of significance is that a stimuli has some special meaning that only the person experiencing it can appreciate. Could be a television or a radio or a road sign or a marble table-top...

Different kinds of drugs can provoke those kinds of experiences too... If you smoke a lot of pot... Well... Mj is being classified as a hallucinagen these days because it is now commonly acknowledged that mj can prompt those kinds of 'delusional awarenesses' similarly to other hallucinagens like magic mushrooms and LSD and similarly to what happens 'naturally' in psychotic conditions or what can happen with exposure to heavy metals or what can happen if one gets a certain kind of wack on the head... Typically... With drugs... The experiences pass over time when one stops taking them. Sometimes people will have flashback experiences, however, and I experience those kinds of flashback experiences even though I'd cut back using a great deal. I think... That the brain gets sensitised to having them somehow... No major harm, I don't think, though something that a lot of people prefer not to do...

What kinds of experiences? I've had a really weird experience of giving birth to the universe out of my belly button. It was weird... Everything was dark and then there was this swirling mist and it gave way to this dreamlike scene (that was reality) before me. And in that instant I saw that Berkeley's idealism was true (the universe came into existence when and only when I was perceiving it) and my moving around was an act of creation with trees and birds and cars and other people being perceived by me.

But... What was really magical about it was the feeling that accompanied it. Mostly... Positive. Calm. Benevolent. Happy. Peaceful.

But other experiences I've had (both on and off drugs) were not so benign. Malevolent... Hostile... Frightening... Not so pleasant.

Something drugs can do is give you an 'aha' feeling. Everything seems to slot together and make sense. Some amazing insight. An amazing insight into the nature of reality or the nature of ones own existence or something like that. Those feelings... Those thoughts... Are things that often don't survive the cold hard light of day, however. Or... Those feelings... Those thoughts... Are things that often don't survive the cold hard reality of ones experience after remaining clean for oh... Six months.

Why? Becuase one way to experience things expanding... one way to experience ones attention broadening to embrace the universe... Is for ones perception (imperceptably at the time) to narrow such that one is focused on one or two or three rather simple features. In the moment one has the experience of clearly apprehending EVERYTHING. Really what has happened is that everything that one does not understand has merely eluded ones view, however. As such the great insights tend not to last. Don't get me wrong, enjoy the enjoyable experiences, but remember this. Remember this because it is important to remember it for those times where things start to become outlined in black, faces dripping black malevolence and hostility. Neither are accurate perceptions of the way things are. All perceptions are biased. Drugs introduce a new kind of bias, however. Useful for learning about how much we contribute to perception of reality but not so useful for helping us get closer to it...

Remembering my teenage years... So much fun to be had... So much of a drive to understand... To understand... You remind me of me :-) I wish you had somebody who you could talk to. A teacher or youth leader or councellor or uncle or someone... Someone who you could talk to about the drug experiences and life experiences and stuff... Someone who wouldn't chastise you or lecture you... Just a friendly someone to listen. I hope you find some of that here.

My advice: Stay in school... Best way to find out about reality and to be inspired to (and learn the methods to) find more than what is currently known. And... Keep the hell away from the mental health system if at all possible. Why? Because you are an intelligent, curious kid and methinks the last thing that is needed is some seditives to curb your curiousity. Wouldn't you say???