Am i mentally ill? Do i need help?

I'll apologize for my lack of grammar and punctuation in advance and Time tenses.

I'll start my story from the beginning. During year 12 , I began smoking marijuana and i enjoyed it , many of friends were smoking alot and getting quite high while i decided to pace myself and smoke myself were i would be calm and had slight Euphoric rush.This lasted for about one year , however one time , i had a bit too much to smoke , I knew i wasn't myself and i was very surprised and scared on how 'high' i was. During this period I experienced many things which i wouldn't have wanted to see . The Most important and Terrifying was my life review (Im not sure whether are familiar with the phrase but this link should clarify what a Life review is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_review )

Now after seeing something like this , I presume some people would take this a positive factor and try to improve their lives realising to what path their future was taking them(which i tried to do) ,except my life review was a negative experience (as if i lived my life with many regrets), and to make matters even worse then what they were I died some where were i didnt expect to die or even that early. Now , once i had died i could still 'think'(As if i was a ghost or something along those lines) and i began to think on how i had let my friends and family down , Dropped out of my course and done soo many stupid things.

The next day i was extremely depressed after that experience , and since i was home alone for the next few days , i took that day off school trying to recover and began to analyze my dream. Now my grammar and sentence structure aren't the best , but i find myself quite intellectual and think quite logically and tend to keep an unbiased view to almost everything when it comes to judging. So common sense was telling me it was just a high and had no relevance to my life what so ever. Yet i was having doubt's... What i had experienced was felt soo real , People behaved identically to their personalites , everything was identical to that in the real world. It was perfect, too perfect. I didn't know what to do... What i had just saw/experienced was not normal but not unheard of , except for one thing , most people experienced this during near death situations and it was thier whole life from their childhood to that point , yet mine was different though. I saw from the current present to the future... to my death , which felt not very far away. I was terrified , I didn't know what to do .. who to confide in , I knew i couldn't talk with my parents about this issue for a multiple of reasons and there were no friends i could rely on who would take this seriously(teenagers). The experience was in a totally different level for myself to comprehend with my intellect and common sense and i doubt i could come to a resolution. Yet , I wanted to try - I analyzed what my dream meant , i took Religion , Science , My Unconscious self and even Science Fiction and even a Mental disease/s or just a crazy high into account. Every lame answer i came up with was not enough , too mediocre it didn't satisfy me and before long my long weekend was over and i had to go back to school (I have fridays off and this dream happened on Thursday , So i had 4 days to dwell on it)

I was angry/frustrated and scared that i didn't come up with a resolution but i knew dwelling on it too much would do nothing , i had to carry on with my life . I decided to go back to my course and everything seemed normal for a few days. After a few days of just occasional dwelling i thought it was nothing to worry about , it was just something what a teenager on some weed would think of , my mind slowly came to peace with itself.

But around a week after my 'Life Review" it hit me - "It was during a class mine and a discussion(more of a debate or arguement) broke out between a few students and the teacher and all of a sudden i had a HUGE sense of deja vu , I knew exactly "word for word" that people would say and followed the conversation trying to digest what was going on , It was extremely scary and i was hit by shock, It felt like my life was like a movie , and that i was watching it a second time. At that point i went into a panic attack , i knew this wasnt normal - I knew people most people had experienced Deja Vu , but nothing what i was feeling. Logic and common sense fell apart , i tried to calm myself , but i couldn't , my mind was a being of it it's own , as if it was a seperate entity. I packed up all my books and as calmly as i could i walked out of my class , shaking like a rattlesnake and extremely pale. I didn't know what to do - I knew deep down that this wasn't a coincidence and that my 'life review' was showing myself something... The future , but it was just too ridiculous ,(I tried to use a different word instead of "future" but it was the only word that came to mind). From then on i felt deja vu very often , yet nothing as shocking as that discussion but still very creepy and traumatizing. I began to argue with myself , Like i was some sort of prophet or clairvoyant or something while my other self tried to shrug the idea off as silly.

For the next few weeks, i haven't felt any situations which held a great importance to me, whether it's because i can barely remember of what happened or because there's nothing important happening at this moment or for some other reason which im not aware of. I honestly don't know. I do know that i still feel deja vu quite often and i'm still very moody , from being normal to depressed and my mind is still not clear. I still feel very unfit mentally and i have a really bad feeling in my heart , like it's weighing me down , plus a few other symptoms

Then , about one month and half have passed and my conflict is still unresolved - i had extreme cases of mood swings and my mind is constantly battling with itself and i was being torn apart and depressed.

Now , after all these incident's on the outside I've kept a straight face , I've laugh at peoples jokes , ate dinner with the family and went about being a normal teenager , Yet on the inside it feels as if my mind is split into 2 , One being good and the being evil trying to resolve my dream... Most people would just shrug it off as a dream and continue their life , I wish it could be that easy. Deep down i believe that dream of mine is true , or at least half true and my heart aches , Whether i wanted to see what i saw isn't very important and nothing i can do will make my ignore it. Yet what i have written is just a portion of what's happened so far.

Now the reason i came to the this forum was to get some people's opinions because seriously , I cant confide in my friends because i know they wont take me seriously and that i was just "High". Hopefully here, I can get some unbiased answers and/or recommendations and advice.

I've got to admit , Writing about it all took a large load off my chest. Thank you for the support in advance

Hey there. I'm glad that you feel a bit better for having expressed some of what is going on for you. I find that it really helps me to do that, too. Helps me feel less alone in the world. Can suck to feel alone, huh, when there isn't really anyone who we can talk to who might understand something of what is going on.

The boundary between being 'mentally ill' and 'not mentally ill' is tricky and very controversial. Basically... If you went to see a psychiatrist then they would probably figure out some medication or other to give you. How come? Because that is what they do. The current definition of 'mental disorder' includes such notions as 'distress'. That means... That if you are worried about your experiences then you get to count as distressed and hence a psychiatrist would probably give you something to mildly sedate you so that you didn't feel so distressed (or worried about feeling distressed) anymore. So... Unless you really start freaking out... Or... Unless you start telling your friends and / or your folks stuff to make them freak out... Or freak them out some other way (by stopping attending school or by getting grades well below your ability or something) then you should be alright mental health-wise ;-)

As for your experiences... There is a funny kind of boundary between mentally ill and not mentally ill, as I said. Something like... 30% of first year students at college have experienced hallucinations at some point in their life... Prevalence of delusions are about the same, I think (though more controversially because it is harder to say precisely what beliefs count as delusions).

Your experiences did remind me a little of what Jaspers (or perhaps it was Maher) called 'feelings of significance'. The idea here is that some experience... Takes on an intense emotional quality. For example, sometimes we have this intense experience of 'I've been here before' that attaches to current environmental stimuli for a feeling of deja vu (which is fairly common in the non-mentally ill population as it is fairly common in the mentally ill population). Sometimes the feeling of significance is that a stimuli has some special meaning that only the person experiencing it can appreciate. Could be a television or a radio or a road sign or a marble table-top...

Different kinds of drugs can provoke those kinds of experiences too... If you smoke a lot of pot... Well... Mj is being classified as a hallucinagen these days because it is now commonly acknowledged that mj can prompt those kinds of 'delusional awarenesses' similarly to other hallucinagens like magic mushrooms and LSD and similarly to what happens 'naturally' in psychotic conditions or what can happen with exposure to heavy metals or what can happen if one gets a certain kind of wack on the head... Typically... With drugs... The experiences pass over time when one stops taking them. Sometimes people will have flashback experiences, however, and I experience those kinds of flashback experiences even though I'd cut back using a great deal. I think... That the brain gets sensitised to having them somehow... No major harm, I don't think, though something that a lot of people prefer not to do...

What kinds of experiences? I've had a really weird experience of giving birth to the universe out of my belly button. It was weird... Everything was dark and then there was this swirling mist and it gave way to this dreamlike scene (that was reality) before me. And in that instant I saw that Berkeley's idealism was true (the universe came into existence when and only when I was perceiving it) and my moving around was an act of creation with trees and birds and cars and other people being perceived by me.

But... What was really magical about it was the feeling that accompanied it. Mostly... Positive. Calm. Benevolent. Happy. Peaceful.

But other experiences I've had (both on and off drugs) were not so benign. Malevolent... Hostile... Frightening... Not so pleasant.

Something drugs can do is give you an 'aha' feeling. Everything seems to slot together and make sense. Some amazing insight. An amazing insight into the nature of reality or the nature of ones own existence or something like that. Those feelings... Those thoughts... Are things that often don't survive the cold hard light of day, however. Or... Those feelings... Those thoughts... Are things that often don't survive the cold hard reality of ones experience after remaining clean for oh... Six months.

Why? Becuase one way to experience things expanding... one way to experience ones attention broadening to embrace the universe... Is for ones perception (imperceptably at the time) to narrow such that one is focused on one or two or three rather simple features. In the moment one has the experience of clearly apprehending EVERYTHING. Really what has happened is that everything that one does not understand has merely eluded ones view, however. As such the great insights tend not to last. Don't get me wrong, enjoy the enjoyable experiences, but remember this. Remember this because it is important to remember it for those times where things start to become outlined in black, faces dripping black malevolence and hostility. Neither are accurate perceptions of the way things are. All perceptions are biased. Drugs introduce a new kind of bias, however. Useful for learning about how much we contribute to perception of reality but not so useful for helping us get closer to it...

Remembering my teenage years... So much fun to be had... So much of a drive to understand... To understand... You remind me of me :-) I wish you had somebody who you could talk to. A teacher or youth leader or councellor or uncle or someone... Someone who you could talk to about the drug experiences and life experiences and stuff... Someone who wouldn't chastise you or lecture you... Just a friendly someone to listen. I hope you find some of that here.

My advice: Stay in school... Best way to find out about reality and to be inspired to (and learn the methods to) find more than what is currently known. And... Keep the hell away from the mental health system if at all possible. Why? Because you are an intelligent, curious kid and methinks the last thing that is needed is some seditives to curb your curiousity. Wouldn't you say???

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alexandra_k said:
My advice: ... Keep the hell away from the mental health system if at all possible. Why? Because you are an intelligent, curious kid and methinks the last thing that is needed is some seditives to curb your curiousity.

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My inclination is to agree with this -- UNLESS you can find some part of the "system" that LISTENS to people, rather than giving them drugs.

Hi Narim and welcome to the site

Your posting is very interesting and I read it a couple of times to be sure I got it all. In my own opinion I would not worry that you have a mental illness.

It's hard to say if the pot did this. You said the near death experience came after smoking pot but I'm not sure if you were smoking when you started having all the deja vu's.

My spirituality leads me to believe in psychic energy and thoughts; however, I'm not saying you are psychic. I don't believe psychics can see what their own life is going to do. However, one can be so connected with themselves and the universe that they can have psychic experiences.

Again, my own belief is that when we were on other side we planned the life that we are currently in. We planned the good, the bad, and the ugly because it was what we felt we needed to learn. Having said that, deja vu makes sense doesn't it? I have deja vu quite often and instead of being scared I get a bit excited because it makes me stop and think about the situation I'm in and do I need to learn from it.

You sound like a very intelligent and insightful person. I would not let this get to you. I would recommend however that you nix the pot - it really can lead you down a path of disaster. Alot of people say it can't, but I am in recovery and have seen alot of people who are alcoholics (as am I) who turned to pot to try to get off booze and it just didn't work.

Take care and good to hear from you.

Tranquility

Thank you for the detailed answer.

It's the first time I've actually told someone about this and that's partially is because it's such an awkward conversation and I don't have any relatives or friends i can talk something as whack as this seriously because in all likelihood if I explained to my parents exactly and honestly how I'm feeling they would think I'm mentally unstable and would seek a doctor of some sort.

For me , I've rarely been troubled mentally. Usually just movies which frightened me , At first it was "Mortal Kombat" then "Deep Impact" and finally "End of Days"(The only movie's i've been scared off till now , lol) all of which them i watched when i was a tad too young to understand .I remember having nightmares/ couldn't sleep at night etc. except i cant remember how long i had them for though.

I guess being mentally strong for strong , 6 years now at least - My mind may have been shocked by it. i don't think I've been so depressed and moody before or had anything trouble me this much before , so it's quite annoying/scary.. I guess the reason why i'm so scared mentally is because I'm trying to accept my own death , earlier then what i expected - since everyone dies sooner or later.lol

Yet after doing some research on schizophrenia , i realize i have some of the symptoms , it just concerned me , Considering Marijuana increase's your chances of getting Schizo , I just put 1 + 1 together. I think i may wait a while before i come to a decision on what to do.

Hi Narim,

Try not to do too much reading on different illnesses. I have done that in the past and diagnosed myself with cancer when it wasn't .

I will say though, that if your depression is more than you think is normal then it wouldn't hurt to go see someone and just talk things out. This could be something as simple as a few sessions to put perspective on it. If you are having trouble eating, sleeping, or being present in school for more than a couple of weeks I would really go talk to someone. Even if it's a school counselor at first.

Tranquility

I haven't smoked at since that dream. I fully understand the effects of pot , being a long time user and it can really dangerous if you abuse it. I cant stop and smirk , since after reading your post , i had another sense of deja vu.

I don't think I'll smoke tobacco or pot again for that matter and i dislike drinking alcohol , i don't think its worth it , considering your it's effects for only a few hours and feel like total %#@&#! the next day , that's why i started to smoke pot. When i first smoked it gave me a such a deeper understanding of everything , i appreciated everything much more and many good aspects , but i've also had a few bad experiences as well - delusions , paranoia are defiantly not fun. So after a few straight bad experiences of smoking weed , i quit.

So all i do is socially drink now with friends. Yet it pains me see some my friends move down the chain of drugs... from weed to ecstasy so forth until they get stuck in drugs like Herion and Meth , I know their path ends up in a %#@&#! hole , but it's difficult to tell them this , I guess i'll find some sort of jedi mind tricks to sway them. lol

> after doing some research on schizophrenia , i realize i have some of the symptoms

it would be rarer to find individuals who didn't have SOME of the symptoms. 30% of college first years report having had hallucinatory experiences at some point in their lives. might be that those kinds of experiences are more prevalent in the general population, might be that those kinds of experiences are less prevalent in the general population, dunno... point is, however, that prevalence of schizophrenia is much much lower (around 1 or 2 percent).

> Considering Marijuana increase's your chances of getting Schizo...

that is very controversial indeed. i know the anti mj lobby likes to publicise this statistic but it is important to remember that lots of people (the majority of people) who take drugs never develop schizophrenia. how do i know that? the prevalence of drug taking is much greater than the prevalence of schizophrenia and you also have to consider that there are people with schizophrenia who have never experimented with non-psychiatric medications. another thing that tends to increase your chances fo getting schizophrenia is abuse (but of course the anti-drug lobby doesn't focus on that statistic). but once again, rates of abuse are much much higher than rates of schizophrenia.

as well as the positive symptoms (the presence of delusions, hallucinations and / or formal thought disorder) negative symptoms are required. negative symptoms include social withdrawal and achieving well below ability in school and things like that. that is partly why i said that your parents and / or teachers might indeed refer you on to psych services if those kinds of things start happening with you. in fact... if you told a psychiatrist that you had had hallucinatory experiences and if you parents and / or teachers were concerned about your lack of achievement and your social withdrawal then i'd say it would be all but guaranteed that (rightly or wrongly) you would get a diagnosis of schizophrenia (or some other psychotic disorder) from the majority of psychiatrists. what does that buy you? medications that sedate you and a prediction of 'chronic, is unlikely to improve, shouldn't really have goals like going to university and the like'. the predictions... tend to make it so... (that is one of my major beefs with the health system). of course there are enlightened psychiatrists who aren't so quick to give someone such a condemnatory life sentance... but they are few and far between...

decisions...

> I cant stop and smirk , since after reading your post , i had another sense of deja vu.

how long ago did you give it up? it takes quite a while to clear from your system (around 6 months or so). some people experience flashback hallucinatory experiences / feelings of significance and the like for up to a couple years after stopping. that might take a little longer (or shorter, i guess) because if you are a teenager... well... there is a second neural proliferation and pruning cycle round about then... we aren't so very sure on the effects of mj on the developing brain... still... neural plasticity should ensure that you turn out alright in the end ;-)

> When i first smoked it gave me a such a deeper understanding of everything

i think it gives you the FEELING that you have a deeper understanding of everything, but really what happens is that it limits your attention such that you aren't able to see that actually you aren't a great deal better off than you were before (except from enjoying the feeling, of course).