Quote:
Originally Posted by Daystrom
Depression is living a nightmare. It comes and goes. Sometimes it stays only a little while. Sometimes a longer while. Sometimes it stays for years.
I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of the worst episode of depression I've ever had. It shows no signs of ending. And having struggled with this for over 30 years, there are plenty of episodes to choose from.
The nighttime is the worst. That's when the world is black and empty and there is nothing to be seen, only myself, only the reality of myself and all of the unforgivable weakness and inadequacy and failure that I represent.
The black hole at the center sucks up everything that once mattered and leaves nothing behind. I don't do anything anymore. I don't enjoy anything, I don't look forward to anything, I don't live. I try desperately not to think about anything because there is nothing, nothing at all out there. There is nothing inside, either. I thought I could fix it with therapy. I thought I could fix it with drugs. I thought I could turn it around. I was stupid enough to actually believe this.
The years go by and everything just gets worse. The pain won't ever get better. The pain likes things just fine where it is.
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I hear you. Depression is bad enough on its own but it just gets worse when I lose interest in everything. I absolutely hate that feeling that everything is boring and pointless, or that I just don't want to DO anything.
I had hope for therapy and drugs too... But they cost so much and did little to nothing, for me at least. Maybe rich people with good careers and insurance could afford that for years on end, but not an unemployed bum like me. And dealing with it alone is certainly never easy.
Hang in there. The joyful or pleasurable moments may be few and far between, but I think they're worth it, don't you?