Nothing

Depression is living a nightmare. It comes and goes. Sometimes it stays only a little while. Sometimes a longer while. Sometimes it stays for years.

I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of the worst episode of depression I've ever had. It shows no signs of ending. And having struggled with this for over 30 years, there are plenty of episodes to choose from.

The nighttime is the worst. That's when the world is black and empty and there is nothing to be seen, only myself, only the reality of myself and all of the unforgivable weakness and inadequacy and failure that I represent.

The black hole at the center sucks up everything that once mattered and leaves nothing behind. I don't do anything anymore. I don't enjoy anything, I don't look forward to anything, I don't live. I try desperately not to think about anything because there is nothing, nothing at all out there. There is nothing inside, either. I thought I could fix it with therapy. I thought I could fix it with drugs. I thought I could turn it around. I was stupid enough to actually believe this.

The years go by and everything just gets worse. The pain won't ever get better. The pain likes things just fine where it is.

I wish I had words of wisdom to make this all better for you. Unfortunately I understand where you're coming from. I have suffered with my depression off and on for most of my life. I have been in 2 mental hospitals since last year. Wish I had more to say other than this. I'm here if you want to talk.

Do you read? Sometimes I'll find something that hits me in stuff like Chicken Soup for the Soul. I like to listen to books on CDs too. Ekart Tolle. The Power of Now.
Right now I'm reading a novel. John Irving Widow for a Year. A movie called Door in the Floor was made. I have the Dvd.
I stay in my room in bed. I have a small DVD player. And my books.
I also have a very loving cat. She helps me so much. And my dog.
Anyway that's how I cope. Sending peace and love

I am sorry you are suffering so much. Have you tried different medications? I was in the same place you are about two years ago and I found that adding Abilify to my other meds helped me to climb out of the hole.

Sorry to hear this (((Daystorm))). What kind of therapy did you try? You know there is not only one kind of therapy? Is it an idea to read a bit about different therapy forms and chose another one than the one that didn't help?

I had a wonderful therapist, but he got a new job in another area. I made it on my own, but then a new episode occurred. I tried two new therapists. They were both in another therapy tradition that the first one. They were of no help. Now I try the best I can on my own using strategies from the CBT-tradition. I miss someone to talk to, but I have made it a habit to sit down and talk to myself (like as if I have got an inner "therapist"). I learn more and more that even if life can be hard, the training with the right therapist for me (the first one) is enough to keep me going.

I kept myself so busy with work all week that I didn't have time to be depressed. But tonight it came back full-force and I've been thinking I'm losing my mind completely.

I CANNOT be around other people. I do everything I can to avoid them. Tonight I can't even turn a LIGHT on. Instead I locked myself in the darkened bathroom and tried to think of nothing. But I can't shut my thoughts off.

Seeing my therapist tonight and telling her about it just seemed to make things worse. I can't even scratch the surface of the problem with her. I'm wasting her time and my money. It isn't her fault. I'm just beyond help.

I wish that I could destroy myself. And I don't mean just kill myself, I mean I want to tear myself apart one piece at a time and completely vaporize the pieces at the molecular level after erasing all evidence that I ever existed and all memories everyone has of me.

There can be no God with thoughts like I've been having. There can be no solutions to anything, no hope, no light, no help, nothing real.

All I've ever done is hurt other people and myself. I shouldn't be here. I'm the problem. I've always been the problem.

(((((((((((((Daystorm)))))))))))))))),
I feel you !!!! I been dealing with depression on and off since I was first diagnosed back in 1995 . I still go through the pain of my depression but I learned to fight back . I been in counseling for a year with my counselor who specializes in anxiety,depression, adjustments in life changes , relationships,and promoting strengths for personal growth as well she is also an experienced registered nurse. she been helping me to deal with my anxiety and depression and PTSD since I started seeing her in October 2014. it will take time for the depression to lift . my depression is starting to lift slowly but surely . I had depression since my grandparents and my parents past away . this time I was able to get into treatment before it got worse for me . my former choir director noticed it after I lost my job about a month after choir practice started that year . she suggested for to get some professional help . I took her advice and got help .





Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs = 75 mgs at night when up past 1:00 in the morning

Hello Daystom I am sorry you are feeling so poorly. I too am riding up and down, some days OK at work and twice last week I had a depressive meltdown WHILE at work. Weekends are hardest for me, that's when my thoughts race and I can't accomplish anything.

From your description of your therapy session it sounds like you do have something that is hurting you that you want to get out but are unable... Something that you are "unable to scratch the surface". I think it is worth trying to get that out, it might be your path toward some wellness or at least doing better. Can you discuss with your T that there is something you are unable to talk about... Maybe they can help make you more comfortable. Or maybe try to find someone else, another T, who you are more comfortable talking to about this? Finding some way to get help with this issue might be a key.

No, no! You are depressed and are not waisting your therapists time. Therapists are there to be "used". Please hold on to your therapist. Therapy is like that. it goes up and down. To become better is not done in one day or two, it comes through a process that may go up and down.

To judge oneself badly is part of being depressed. It is part of the illness. Have been there.

Good wishes for your progress! Please don't give in.

I hear you. Depression is bad enough on its own but it just gets worse when I lose interest in everything. I absolutely hate that feeling that everything is boring and pointless, or that I just don't want to DO anything.

I had hope for therapy and drugs too... But they cost so much and did little to nothing, for me at least. Maybe rich people with good careers and insurance could afford that for years on end, but not an unemployed bum like me. And dealing with it alone is certainly never easy.

Hang in there. The joyful or pleasurable moments may be few and far between, but I think they're worth it, don't you?

Thanks everyone. The depression had me in an iron grip last weekend but for the moment it's receded and I'm doing okay. I know it'll be back again, of course; it usually hits when I least expect it and sends me into a hard spiral that can last days or weeks.

I've been on Viibryd for several months. Seemed to be working for a while, deadened my senses more than anything, which was fine with me. I think the effectiveness is wearing off though, I can't imagine that the drug is working if I'm feeling the way I have lately. I'll be seeing my psychiatrist soon and will see what he recommends.

It's cognitive therapy. I've been trying to change my perceptions, the way I look at people and the world. Hard for me to imagine I can change though. I think medication is my only hope.

I'm strongly attracted to my T which doesn't help things. Can't talk to her about it though. Beyond even that, I have trouble articulating to her exactly why I feel so hopeless and upset. If depression were logical it could beaten down with logical arguments, but it isn't is it? It's an evil disease that won't be knocked down by an hour per week of talking about it.

Cognitive therapy is about changing your thoughts, not about why so and so. Try to describe the situations that are problematic to you. Put them down on a paper. Then she will ask you how much you believe that so and so will happen. You give your answers in percent, 100%. 90, 75 or something else. After that she will ask you if you think there might be alternatives to your first thoughts. May be you will come up with some and then see that there is light in the tunnel, slowly, slowly.

If your attraction to your T is like falling in love, May be the best will be if you ask her for referral to another therapist.