Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
For me, although I don’t have classic NPD, my therapist said that I had been "narcissistically wounded and fragmented". My ability to consciously feel hurt (in my normal state) had been numbed out or dissociated because of events in my childhood, so I couldn’t really empathize and just stay calm. When I felt that I had hurt somebody I would feel overwhelming guilt, then shame, which could collapse into a pit of self-loathing. Mostly I was hypervigilant about NOT hurting anybody and co-dependent.
I got the feelings of hurt back through excruciating trauma therapy – the dissociated feelings became conscious, but I couldn’t make it happen and when they did come, I had to allow myself to consciously feel the feelings that had been too much for me when I was a child. So, as I wrote a while back, it can be done but it seems to me there needs to be a better way. It’s excruciating and the therapy itself can be destabilizing.
All the people criticizing us aren't like us, or maybe they have their own narcissistic tendencies numbed out or they are in denial or something. At any rate, they apparently don't or can't have empathy with us. So there!
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The possibility that I lack empathy scares me; I feel like I'm broken, horribly, in an incredibly fundamental way.
A while ago I observed a pattern in my online interactions: post lots about my feelings - latch onto anyone who took a personal interest - use that person as an emotional dumping ground (and validation dispenser) - grow apart. The whole time never really caring much about them personally. Missives from me would be one paragraph of sympathy for their own issues and 12 of my own thoughts.
I've been reading descriptions of narcissism, and it disturbs me how much I can relate to turning discussions to myself, inserting myself into conversations, to just having a "meh" reaction to most people's hardship unless it strikes a particular chord with me. What I don't relate to is using people to advance or get what I want. The only thing I really "use" people for is emotional stuff. If I want prestige or status (and I kind of do), I'll either get it myself or sit envious in the shadows.
I've never been able to form strong connections with people, ever. Most people don't register much with me, but like you, I could never hurt anyone without feeling huge amounts of guilt, shame and fear. Hell, being around angry or upset people scares me. In addition, I often feel like focusing on another would...deplete me. Like if I actually give and expect nothing, I'll just end up empty. I'd rather be alone then.
Whoa this got long.