For the second time after describing my thoughts to someone, they questioned if I have a form of OCD. I'm starting to wonder about it.
Evidence for:
* Mainly, I
am prone to obsessive thinking. I've had a variety mental fixations (including one that's overseen almost my entire life - only recently has it intensified) that trouble me, even to the point of self-harm. Past fixations included intrusive thoughts that I seem to have desensitized myself to such that I don't experience them anymore...
Evidence against:
* My fixations change, in topic and intensity. The ones that trouble me now are different from the ones I had a matter of months ago (which I had had for several years)
* My stress are not constant - in literature I've read about OCD, the anxiety is constant, triggers seen everywhere. I admit, I'm easily "triggered" into anger or anxiety or guilt by very minor things that normal people can just walk away from. Although, once my mind gets on a certain, "obsessive" topic, I can't stop thinking about it, and at times feel almost depersonalized (dissociated? I can't find the right word in correct context...like these are thoughts from another person, not me. But I know they're from me) from them.
Someone here gave me the Y-BCOS and the only ones I could kind of relate to were (not actually a trigger, just a "spoiler" to condense this post):
Possible trigger:
Fear might harm others: Happens rarely, but I'm avoiding certain professions because the guilt of accidentally causing someone pain would just kill me. In the past I've been uneasy touching people in case I caused pain.
Fear of doing something embarrassing: To a minor degree, moreso in the past. Also, could a pathological, paranoid fear of being 'pranked' in certain ways fall into this?
Excess concern with right/wrong, morality: This is the one that's been torturing me for the past several months, and yes, it feels like an obsession. I've made multiple threads about it, all fixating onthe same behavior from the same time frame, desperate to confess and be punished until I can make proper retribution. It feels like it drives me crazy. It's also leaking more and more into personal conduct.
Fear of losing things: Minor and inconsistent, but I have been known to check for things repeatedly, even though I just saw that it's there.
Fear of saying certain things: Occasional, more so in the past. Some words just embarrass me terribly to say...but there's one form with some religious aspects (I have a horror of saying the word "devil" or the name of any demon, even of thinking it. I don't know why - I'm not even religious, but it's like I believe thinking the name is going to summon them, or some crap.)
Intrusive images: Specifically non-violent, which I have had - briefly, and after creeping myself out online (however, due to the nature of the horror-thing I watched, this actually had a religious tinge to it). I used to have frightening, violent images of myself being harmed upon hearing about certain things - almost a feeling that I deserve that, or that should happen to me. When I was younger, the feeling was outright visceral, I may have even dreamed about it once or twice and woke up in tears. These days they're less likely to be triggered by external accounts and more by personal guilt (the right/wrong thing).
As for compulsions, I don't relate to many, except:
Mental rituals: A few. Undoing "bad" thoughts, mainly. Rare though, only related to the really superstitious, supernatural thoughts. It makes no sense to me - I mentioned I'm not religious, but I'm sometimes terrified of demons coming for me if I think about them because of someone's creepypasta. It makes no damn sense.
Need to tell, ask, or confess: HUGE. Like I said, I must have half a dozen threads on here alone trying to purge the guilt I feel.