Quote:
Originally Posted by My kids are cool
I had this huge realization the other day in therapy that has not helped my depression at all. If anything, it seems to have made it worse. I always thought there was just something WRONG with me, that people did not really love me the way I love them. I know intellectually that it is the type of person I am involved with that is really at issue, but I suddenly realized that thinking the problem was me meant the problem was fixable. It gave me hope, that someday, somewhere, I would fix myself and have the kind of love and partnership I feel like I desperately need -- that person who will really have my back and be on my side. If I am not defective, then that means there is no hope. What IS now is just what always will be.
Not sure if this is making any sense. A friend made some really astute comments about how I don't even have my own back because I would hurt myself in an effort to help a friend, and about how what makes me feel safe is not what makes my H feel safe. My attempts at feeling safe probably make my H feel unsafe, and so he finds it very hard to try to create safety for me, because those "safe" actions for me feel so very unsafe to him. It made total sense when she said it. Still not sure I am making sense.
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I am not sure any one other can do that for someone else - for me it is a combination of people who I see has doing that - although I admit I rarely think of others as having my back or not. It is not a particular thing for me.
I do know that with my current SO - we have had to adjust because we want opposite responses when things are going rough for each of us. What she wants (and tried to do for me) was awful for me and created the exact opposite of what she was going for = and me with her. So we sort of had to agree to just do the opposite like when she is upset, she wants me there and holding her etc. When I am upset, I need tons of space and to not talk about it and no touching -that sort of thing.