Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
Logically, to me, if the problem of my self-hate was a self-protective motivation thing that "I", my infant/toddler self, "did" to myself or what was my love/hate response system, and if it got stuck in the self-hate mode, then it needs to be turned around. But, trying to do that is very hard, plus it has led me to hating my therapist and now hating the world. Will I ever be done with it and can let it go? Hatred just sucks, whichever direction it goes. Feels gross, unbearable. But it's there, a part of my world, too. I can't easily escape except through dissociation, which produces other problems. (And even then I think it's fair to say it still exists.)
Which leads me to wonder a little about what is going on inside the person who wrote the post and others whose advice is so painful. To me at this point in my life, the problem isn't so much me (although there is plenty that's problematic there), I think the problem is the hate and it's unidirectionality.
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The original post was from a thread (by someone other than the poster I quoted) asking what self-hate is like. "I can understand feeling down about yourself, but actually hating yourself?" was basically the question. Then this person shows up and posts that she doesn't believe actual, non-manipulative self-hate exists, because you need some degree of self-importance to stay alive, plus the other stuff.
I recall from some of her posts that she's that very productive sort, who looks at it as "if you have a problem, fix it. Don't rely on others, don't feel sorry for yourself, don't sit and wallow, do something". By extension, you get the attitude I talked about in the last post I made here.
And it's quite logical isn't it? That people who self-hate do so to absolve responsibility for working for what they want. If something bothers you, just change it, no feelings required; otherwise accept what can't be changed, right? But that never clicks with me. I actually was going to make a thread realizing that I've manipulating and excusing like this since very early childhood. And never realized it. Throw in a hard, fixed mindset to the point where the growth mindset looks like a joke, no wonder I'm lazy as heck. Or I just plan and never get to acting.