I really don't know. I guess a part of me feels like I need him. I just know in my heart that there is no way we can last.

He knows how I feel though. He knows that I am very unsure about our relationship. One of the biggest reasons why I can't have a life with him is because of his mom. I could never have a woman like her in my life or my children's life. That is a deal-breaker for me, so that one tells me that we won't last. He knows all of this but he chooses to ignore it. I tried to break things off with him in December, because I felt like he didn't respect or truly care about me anymore, but that didn't happen. He cried. That killed me to see him cry. Just a week ago though he showed me that he can cry on command. So now I totally don't know what to think of that. This whole relationship is just messed now.

One thing is he did totally mask his true self for the first year we were going out. He hid his temper and his controlling behavior. He is also a pathological liar. He admits to that. Then after about 11 months of our relationship, my brother drowned my cat. That turned my whole world upside down, my whole life was changed, my outlook on life changed, everything. It was during this time that I felt like I needed my boyfriend to help me get through. I didn't see his bad behavior until about half a year after this happened. I feel like it sounds like I'm excusing myself from having to break up with him since I know we won't be together forever, and I probably am. I'm just very scared. I have invested so much into this relationship. I feel like I have to wait until I become more independent before I break up with him. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes so that's one reason I'm scared of breaking up with him in the state that I am. I am getting my license at the end of April, if I pass my test, so I think that will help me become more independent from him. And tomorrow, I will be going to a place that helps with making resumes, and will be applying to a KFC that just opened up. I think that will help with me become more independent as well.

It's funny, because when I told my boyfriend that I am thinking about applying at the KFC, he kept protesting it, and saying that I should apply at Safeway, which is a grocery store. He said, "that grocery store or any other kind of grocery store, except Save On!" He said that because an ex of mine works at Save On. He kept saying that grocery store work is way easier than KFC. He also said he could get me a job at the pizza place he works at. When he was saying these things, I felt like he was saying I was too incapable to work at KFC. This morning, I was talking to my mom about this, how he was making me feel bad, and she said, "no honey, he doesn't want you working at KFC because there will most likely be other young guys there." When she said that, I was amazed I didn't see that myself. Of course that's why. So now I'm even more motivated to apply there.